Merry Christmas Charlie Brown

I should be studying but fuck school. Lisa says, "Fuck school hard... with toys." When she said that I cried a little. Right now we're watching the Charlie Brown Christmas special on the tele. I prefer the Charlie Brown Christmas episodes that came after to tell the truth. The one where Linus comes out and quotes the bible:

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them,
Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
LUKE 2:8-14

Linus rules hard. It's cause he is comfortable enough with himself to carry a blanket and is smart as all get out. I have a feeling Linus would have been a pomo kid had he been part of the here and now. Well, if it wasn't for the whole religious thing.

Sally though, Sally is my sister Abbee incarnate.

And now for a change in topic and pace.

MY CHRISTMAS LIST:


a ukelele


acrylic paints and canvases


a very large oversized knit sweater that is really comfy and warm


for the rich to give more to the poor (it feels good to give)


a happy 2009 (this would require numerous live music events)


less harmful aerosoles in the atmosphere (i'm studying atmosphere and climate)


my parents old camera


a new blackberry


peace on earth and economic stability


kota the triceratops





here's a visual on that one. I can't help how much I adore dinosaurs.

I don't want the kid though. I deal enough with kids as is. God love em but if I have to hear the boys I sit for sing choruses of "Go away Frankee," once a week for the next year I may really never have children.

So that's my list. I don't really care if I get any of it or not. Making a list is half the fun. I have to go study, which sounds painful but at least it's about thunderstorms and tornados. On a scale of one to ten dinosaurs are at a 9 and tornados are at about 8.5.

In the words of Sally Brown,

Much love sweet baboo

Proof of life

This was my reaction during the final performance. In the moment I thought that I needed to document the exact moment when I felt something I had never felt before. lol I was stunned. There were too many emotions running through my head to put together a cohesive thought. And that's pretty obvious.

Amanda Palmer is alive and well

It has taken a long time for me to write about possibly the greatest three days of my life. On November 29th I saw Amanda Palmer perform in Toronto. Not my first time, my third this year. But, this show was different, better, more moving. Songs were paired with moving dance and movement peices by an acting troupe called the Danger Ensemble. Similar to the work I do at school. Interpretive, edgy, innovative, and emotional. Some peices were commentaries on aspects of society, some humorous, always interesting and dynamic. The music itself was unreal. It's just beautiful. It's the most beautiful music I've ever heard in my life. It makes me happy when I am sad. It reminds me that there is life after broken hearts, that the world is still a beautiful place when it's not, that there are people in the world who need help, maybe my help, and that art is a beautiful and a worthwhile pursuit for me in this lifetime. And then there is the woman behind the music. This talented, independent, unique, woman who encourages everyone to love themselves just the way they are. To write love on their bodies, to accept eachother and embrace, hold, help. She doesn't care what other people say or do, the only thing she follows is her heart, not people, not the expectations of others. I don't know her personally, but this is what I have seen, this is what she has inspired in me.
After the show I got a chance to walk up to her and thank her for making me feel, for the first time, that I could be exactly who I am without worrying, without caring. After 20 years of feeling like I didn't really belong anywhere I have a new perspective on lots of things. I'm happier now than ever. And this music and this woman have helped me feel this way. She held my face, she hugged me and held on. And just when I thought she was going to let go she held on tighter. I offered her a place to stay while crossing the border. She almost took me up on that offer but unfortunately had to cross the border that night. She took my name, number and address and said to watch out for future shows when she might need my help. I met Katie K, I met Steven Mitchell Wright, and this tour family is full of charming and hard working people. They took time to meet each and every person who stayed after the show. Because I offered Amanda and her crew a place to crash they offered to give me tickets to the Detroit show. The next day I emailed Steven who confirmed that this was possible.
So two days later Christopher and I left for Detroit to see Amanda again. My name wasn't on a list at the door. So he paid for me to get inside and the poor thing went back into the freezing cold to find some money. Ten minutes later I found a frazzled Katie K who recognized me and told me to go get Chris and we finally got in and enjoyed the best concert we have ever seen. Zoe Keating is an amazing musician. There were times when she played that I felt like I was floating, I almost lost my balance being completely focused on the music. We were very close to the stage, I couldn't help but feel so incredibly lucky, like I didn't deserve to relive one of the most amazing moments twice. People just don't get that everyday. I feel spoiled, I feel like I've cheated others. I only hope I deserve it. Or that I can pay this forward somehow.
I met Amanda a second time. I was so focused on getting a picture with her that I had forgotten about the night before that I awkwardly hugged her and rambled about how she shouldn't get sick and take cold fx. She remembered me from the night before whuch was more than enough. Thank god I didn't waste my first encounter. This was almost embarassing.
But all in all it was surreal, and lovely and I still can't believe it happened to me. I left feeling like I could do anything, that anything can happen if you will it and that I can be anything and anyone I want. I saw things, see things, differently and feel changed. Now that something I thought was impossible has happenend I see endless possibility. I am excited about life more now than ever.
Pictures are coming in a photo entry. It's easier that way.


I go in love. I leave you love. In this holiday season know that magic exists, and happiness. So does pain and hurt and anger. We pick our battles, we choose what emotions to hang onto, what to value and what to let go of. Look for the little happinesses and keep on keeping on. You never know what is coming for you.

<3

I'm too tired to title

I am sleepy and full of a hamburger happy meal. I am getting over a slight cold and sniffling. I am finding random reasons to crawl into bed when no one notices and nap in corners. I am warm and cold. lol I am so tired that my writing skills are seriously lacking any cohesive pattern, rhyme or reason. I think I have a headache. I'd kill for some cold fx and I think the strawberry milkshake in my tummy is slowly hardening. Curse you McDonalds, I know you're evil, I always did. What I would really like right now is for someone to say, "Hey Frankee you know that 12 page paper on the cardiorespiratory system that's due Thursday? Yeah, I'll write it, no problem!" Seriously, I would pay 100 dollars for that shit. I have a four page paper for drama due Tuesday. I am not a teribly lazy person, I just cannot for the life of me understand anything biological let alone write twelve pages about it. I hve never written a 12 page paper at all let alone on a topic I have no framiliarity about. Daunting. It's just a pile of shit to finish before my fun. God's laughing. Haha, yes you can go away but you have to stress and panic right up until the very last second. I know that it's only fair, the universe must stay balanced, I get it. One week until I see Amanda Palmer again. And this time I will meet her and take pictures and talk to her about the meaning of life or some philosophical theory about the beauty of art that I cannot even comprehend at this moment in time. I told you I wasn't making any sense.

And now I must sleep and dream before I have to face tomorrow. Yay for dreaming, I'm really good at it!

Sweet dreams wherever you are

Honesty is the best policy

I just want to say that it's really really scary when friends know you better than you know yourself. Lisa wrote this for our end of the year roast. Basically the third years bash us to hell. So I give you the honest truth, I can't deny any of it.


frankee orgasmed in bear grunts in class yesterday
frankee loves this singer named amanda palmer and has been turning into her the past two years
frankee can sing like an angel... she is a classically trained opera singer and never sings!
obsessed with phantom of the opera to the point where yep she would read erotic fiction based on it
loves sushi. frankee's diet consists of ciggarets when she's stressed, coffee and sushi
frankee wants to be in the circus as a juggler. this is not a joke.
loves lush and bathes in it
frankee has a tatoo the size of my face of a skull. want to know why she got it? because she got it half off for martigras
frankee comes from a family of 5 and her mother jenny is wacko and thinks frankee should get married and have babies. frankie said to her one day, once upon a time there was a girl who never got married and she was happy.
frankee also loves her vino but her ceasers more. sometimes we go for drives and listen to music and bitch about life
frankee has a group of friends who are all gay. they worship her to the high heavens and frankee loves all of them. u can find her on saturday night at the loop dancing with them. she will probobly marry one of them.
frankee and beth are going to get married. im the maid of honor.
once frankee told me she was going to put face paint on and steal lawn gnomes
she wasn't joking, these were her actual saturday night plans
frankee eats herfingers when she's stressed
honestly her skin peals off and its disturbing

Thanks Lis,
I couldn't have said it better if I tried.

Trouble is a friend

This is a picture of the wife and I on Halloween being silly in the cab. She was Sharpay from High School Musical. I only wish such fun, sloppy, and sexy times for all.

I want a ukelele for Christmas. Preferably a bright yellow one. The only instrument I used to know how to play is flute and I took vocal classes for years so I'm not totally unframiliar with music. I could do it. And it would be sweet. I think I'd carry it with me like a baby and play in random places wherever I feel compelled.
Lately I've been having thoughts about applying to grad school after I'm done with this undergrad business. Montreal would be ideal. There's a drama therapist program and also another about being an artist in the community that I should probablt check out. I figure I'm going to broke no matter what and from what I hear so will everyone. What's a little more broke then? So we'll all be broke together and getting by like bohemians do. La vie boheme baby, let's do it up. I'm trying to save money now, to cover travel costs but I definitely bought new jeans today and lots o soap. Oh well. Could be much worse. I'm punishing myself by staying in tonight. House to msyelf, I'll art out, read some school-io stuffs, make some tea. What a punishment. Tomorrow is Lisa's birthday party and we are going to be rockstars in dresses! Like a 50's cocktail party! How chic of us all. Girls must wear dresses and we're even going to have fancy dinner! How very grown up of us all. Pour the wine friends.
Artist plug of the day: Lenka. Listen to Trouble is a Friend. I totally relate, except I am getting rid of my trouble. It sounds sexy.
As of late I am way too happy for my own good and strangely optomistic. Right now, I am living in the right now. I'm happy about what's going on in this moment, what's coming in the next few weeks, I am letting stress pass on through, I'm confident that everything will work out for the best and the very best is yet to come. Maybe even soon to come. Maybe these feelings are brought by it's my sexy boots and fuzzy hat. Maybe it's because my skin is pretty clear today. Maybe it's because I'm letting go of old emotional weights. I'm cleaning out friendships that are one sided, I'm not wasting energy in trying to be crutches for people who could care less. Especially people who seem to be attention whores. I can't help you if you won't let me. I'm a simple kinda girl. Pleases, thank yous and I love yous make me happiest. Not rings and things. But you could always send a bar of vegan soap. I'd promise to love you forever and ever. I got a D minus in kinesiology. For some reason I find it incredibly funny. I'm going to stick it out and pull up my grade. Usually I'd run away but I'm here to stay kids, I will win this one and prove that I can do like all the jock kids do.

I leave you now with lyrics to Trouble is a Friend. makes you swing your hips it does.

Trouble will find you
No matter where you go
Oh, oh No matter if you're fast
No matter if you're slow
Oh, oh The eye of the storm wanna cry in the morn
Oh, oh You're fine for a while
But you start to lose control
He's there in the dark
He's there in my heart
He waits in the wings he's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend
Yeah Trouble is a friend of mine
Ahh Trouble is a friend
But trouble is a foe
Oh, oh And no matter what I feed him
He always seems to grow
Oh, oh He sees what I see
And he knows
What I know
Oh, oh So don't forget
As you ease
On down my road
He's there in the dark
He's there in my heart
He waits in the wings
He's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend
Yeah Trouble is a friend of mine
So don't be alarmed
If he takes you
By the arm
I roll down the window
I'm a sucker for his charm
Trouble is a friend
Yeah Trouble Is a friend of mine
Ahh How I hate the way
He makes me feel
And how I try to make him leave
I try Oh, oh, I try
But he's there in the dark
He's there in my heart
He waits in the wings
He's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend
Yeah Trouble is a friend of mine
So don't be alarmed
If he takes you by the arm
I roll down the window
I'm a sucker For his charm
Trouble is a friend
Yeah Trouble is a friend of mine



OH we all know Trouble, Trouble's gotta go kids

Much love x10000!

Like you.

It's beautiful here, in many ways. November and warm. The ivy on Dillon Hall is red and gold and orange. You barely need a jacket. They are opening a new Irish pub in Windsor to replace my favourite one that is closing and my student loan came just in time to register for classes. I booked rooms for my trip to Toronto but sadly cancelled a highly anticipated trip to Jamaica for very practical reasons. On the positive side I now have a credit with the airline that I have to use in a year. So options are open. I keep playing with the idea of a one way ticket. School is going good with the exception of one killer first year class that happily raped me like no other exam. I have never flat out failed and I felt completely violated. I studied that shit too. If I drop it completely I could pick up another shift at work. You don't know how tempting that is. The one thing I wish I could change right now is that I wish I could adopt more drive and pick up more classes, volunteer more at school, and stay organized. It doesn't help when all your friends are overachievers who make me look like the biggest slacker ever. Having two jobs and going to school is nothing compared to my friends who T.A., sit on commitees, have relationships, do research, hold multiple jobs and still manage to get all As. Yes, most of them do all that. And, while I plan on taking my time with school and add an extra semester next year, they all overload and plan to graduate this year. They will do great things and I am lucky to have so many motivators.

Today I heard this song from the original version of Dr. Dolittle on a Christmas commercial. I used to watch it non-stop when I was five. That's how I learned to sing, from watching old musicals like The Wizard of Oz and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Old movies were my favourite. Anyways, I found the lyrics, they are sweet without being overly gushy. They remind me of being five and thinking everything was magic and the world was my fairy tale. I really thought I was special, I used to tell people that I knew how to fly and that I was secretly a princess. Not because I was a pathological liar, but because I had convinced myself that my dreams were memories.

THE WORLD IS FULL OF BEAUTIFUL THINGS
BUTTERFLY WINGS, FAIRY TALE KINGS
AND EACH NEW DAY UNDOUBTEDLY BRINGS
STILL MORE BEAUTIFUL THINGS
THE WORLD ABOUNDS WITH MANY DELIGHTS
MAGICAL SIGHTS, FANCIFUL FLIGHTS
AND THOSE WHO DREAM ON BEAUTIFUL NIGHTS
DREAM OF BEAUTIFUL THINGS
BEAUTIFUL DAYS FOR SUNSHINE LAZIN'
BEAUTIFUL SKIES AND SHORES
BEAUTIFUL DAYS WHEN I CAN GAZE IN BEAUTIFUL EYES - LIKE YOURS
OUR LIVES TICK BY LIKE PENDULUM SWINGS
POOR LITTLE THINGS, PUPPETS ON STRINGS
LIFE IS FULL OF BEAUTIFUL THINGS
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE TOO
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE LIKE YOU.

Like you.

Much very tired late night love

This is me and where I am

Dog driving a truck. Only in H town. Can't wait to never see stuff like this ever.

Happy with my tea and big sweater.

Abbee is all kinds of colourful. And I'm all kinds of growls.

I tried to time my jump with the flash. FAIL.

Abbee is most def not fail. I was pissed.

The bro and I, too cool for school. Check the leather threads.

It's not all so toxic sometimes.

We found a hole! I thought maybe snakes would be in it. But secretly I thought fo the Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole. Nothing but dirt in the end.

Homage to the Palmer.

I will miss this one day.

The Fernandes blings 1, 3, and 5 went for a spur of the moment walk down the local nature trial. Number 5 was hoping to see some "wildlife." Sad to say the wildest thing we saw wasn't even alive but a dead snake on the road, all dry and flat. Number 3 was all about taking artistic pictures of the myspace variety. Number 1, yours truly, was just hoping to take advantage of the nice weather before winter comes and my mood goes south for the winter. My head is all kinds of confused. Assignments are coming, work is all over the place with planning and things just come up outta no where. My head is slightly spinning. I'm wondering why it's been days since I've talked to friends and where the weeks are going. Walks like this ground me, keep me happy and breathing. When the leaves change is my favourite part of the year and I'm just sorry it's so short. But soon I'll be planning my trip to Toronto! And soon after that I'll be going to Jamaica! I get to be a flower girl in a wedding! lol This is so good and necessary because I can't stand the winter. The cold gets me down.
Tomorrow morning I am going to work to do yoga with all the mommies and their babies lol. The instructor invited me to join in so why not?
Oh! I chose a new career path. before I settle down in life I will manage tours for bands. I'll probably sell merch to start and learn the ropes and work my way up. I love bus trips to competitions. Travelling on the road is my favourite part. I want to meet people and see things and hear music everynight. Everynight! I know it's not easy but I'd be willing to try. Needless to say no one will take me seriously. Seriously, you live in a town where dogs drive pick up trucks and I seem crazy?? Seriously???

I found a new song to be obsessed with. It's called Bruises by Chairlift. Slightly emo lyrics but the beat is addicting.

Sidenote: Planet Terror is a good movie if you like blood exploding everywhere. I loved it. It was like a classic zombie movie but ten times better because Rose McGowan has a machine gun for a leg and I'm pretty sure it's comedic genius.

I have to go to bed though. Sweet dreams kids.

Much golden autumn love

Ampersand

My mother thinks I'm on drugs. She's asking my friends about me, claiming I'm not myself. Then she finally asked me in seriousness. I laughed and said, "I wish. Maybe then things would be more interesting." Apparently it wasn't time to make a joke. So I asked why and she said there was nothing else to explain the silent treatments, mood swings and sleepiness. Yes, there is. It's called being an overworked, overstressed, 21-year old girl who is trying to figure out how to not end up stuck in this town forever and stay sane. And, apparently a man would fix all this. According to mom everyone has someone and we are all incapable of being happy without another half. Yes, yes, people in love are so happy, so very disgustingly happy. But I am whole! Aren't I glad that I don't have one more thing to drive me crazy while I'm busy saving up to run away and earn some kind of degree? Yes, yes I am. I am just as capable of being happy right now without someone needing my constant attention. Amanda can explain it better than I can:

And I'm not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand (&). And even if I went with you, I'm not the girl you think I am. And I'm not gonna match you, 'cause I'll lose my voice completely. No, I'm just gonna watch you, 'cause I'm not the one that's crazy. - AFP

Amanda is in love and she's 30. So much time! Time is what I do have! I am not pleading girl power here. I am pleading for the world to lay off while I try and figure out who I am. I am too busy falling in love with pieces of the world. If I don't focus on myself no one else will. And, if one day I am lucky enough to stop getting punched in the face by my own idiocy and go where I swore I would never go again, MAYBE THEN. But let's face it, no one deserves to faceplant into pavement e.v.e.r.y.time. So yes, mom I'm happy. I'm really happy getting good grades and getting promotions and working and having friends and not having to be checked up on, and not fighting with someone and crying all night and for not worrying about hurting someone when I leave.

Pretty sure I've already said this. I'm a broken record tonight. Blame it on the cold medicine. My head feels about the size of a hot air balloon. I should have gone to bed hours ago but I even procrastinate about that!

Sidenote: Greys was so good. Lexi was my hero. That took balls. Saying what you want, even if it means losing out. She put herself first. That is so fucking hard.

This JUST Happened

Actual conversation that took place five seconds ago:

Brother (he's 11): Do you ever have dreams about Amanda Palmer?

Me: Yes....

Brother: What do you dream about her?

Me: Oh...we just talk and hangout mostly. We sing and stuff.

Brother: WHAT? Thats not a dream! I dream that I'm being chased by killer bees and then they start sword fighting with pirates and they all fly planes and the planes fight with bombs and machine guns. And then monkeys climb my wall!!! And I just sit in the middle of it all and scream like a girl! And once I dreamed these dinosaurs were golfing and they ate me!!! But the weirdest one was about the mole people who lived underneath humans...and their king was gay. Wait, no once there was this team of cavemen hockey players.....

Me: ........ARE YOU KIDDING?

Brother: NO REALLY!

I'd write more but I'mm laughing so hard that even typing is difficult.

Much killer bee, dinosaur golf-playing-homosexual mole king love

lmao

A thanksgiving prayer

God bless Grandma and vino and California Maki. God bless trains for taking us far away and concerts for making us believe we will be rockstars. I am thankful for makeup and hair dye, the players and the game. I am thankful for vocal warmups and open concept architecture. God bless the black hearts of the administration at the university of Windsor for moving exams until the 22 of Dec even though technically we only lost 3 days of class. I am thankful for Crown Royal for making me believe I am a princess, and for vino for making me brave. I am thankful for playing dressup in my room while dancing to Euro pop. Thank god for my corset and stockings and the boys who want to borrow them. God bless gay men who will pretend to take us engagement ring shopping and create fake wedding registries. God bless all the bikers I've ever almost hit on the road, especially Riverside Drive, because they all must have a death wish. God bless all us golden hearted girls who know that being a bitch is truly a crafted talent that takes years of practice to perfect, especially because it's all an act. I am thankful for sunglasses. Hangovers have never looked so sexy. God bless the few who keep me sane enough to deal with the rest of them.

Amen.

Familiar Recklessness

I am procrastinating and eating nutella from the jar. I am trying to shake this lethargy. Of the past 24 hours I have slept away half of them. The fall is making me sleepy. I'm beginning to hibernate in blankets and movies, warm drinks, and sappy books. Work has slowed now that things are up and running, it's comfortable. School starts Tuesday and I'm only thankful that I can go back to my routine of breakfast with Beth, lunch with Lisa. I can only sum up the past few weeks with a line from a Killer's song, "Lazy days help me through the hopeless haze," and one from Regina Spektor, "Some days aren't yours at all, they come and go as if they're someone else's days." But, despite my sleepy disposition the past few days have been memorable. I spent lengthy time with best friends. It was as if the universe was apologizing for the tease of vacation. A vacation that could end at any time isn't really relaxing, especially when you don't know what consequence it brings. So, the universe was apologizing and slowed down work, fed me lots of sushi and caesars, let me go out on Friday, allowed me to survive through Clubhouse kids and Art Attack classes, and brought on perfect sweater weather. And now it's Sunday, my day for rest and supposedly school work. Mind you I'm still going to work tonight and skating. But, a few hours of an empty house is all the weekend lazy-ness I need. Anymore and I'm liable to go slightly crazy.

I wish I was travelling through the U.K. freely with no obligations and one of my friends. Oh god we'd have so much fun bashing through London. No time limits, no responsibilities, just days of brand new adventuers and nights of familiar recklessness.

I've been exercising my imagination again. Lots of sleep does that for me.

Much reckless love

As long as he needs me

He only ever needs me at night. When there's no one else around and it's dark, he'll hold my hand and make sure I'm there. In the day light he couldn't care less, he makes it painfully obvious he doesn't need me and sometimes I'm sure he would rather I was far, far away. I stay up until he falls asleep and at that point, even in sleep, he throws my hand away. He lets go and even tosses it back at me. It's purpose was served. When we watch movies he sits far away and makes sure we don't look at each other. And even though he puts me through the ringer I still love him. I pat his head and touch his hair and say goodnight. Amazingly, I don't blame him, not at all.

He's only three. He can't help it.
Babysitting can be a hard gig yo.
One day we'll be friends...I hope :)

Oh! Go listen to Ben Folds' new album. It's love.

In the meantime watch two loves come together beauty-ously(sp?) lol.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTXsoi603yU
It's Amanda and Ben! Woo!


Much starry night sky love

The Call

I just biked for over an hour to the river motherfuckers. I could have stayed home and did the ab lounge in Abbees room but this was much more rewarding. Physical activity is much more fun when there's a reward at the end. It was nice outisde and I stood on the bridge and stared down at the river, framed by willow trees. I was probably 40 ft above the water. I love it. I saw butterflies on the trail and a lot of horse poop too. I rode behind the the barrel factory and smelled all the old musty woody containers that reek of red wine. Yum. I got a lot of thinking done. Thinking about hypothetical futures, where I'll be in five, ten years, where people in my life will be, who I'll lose, who might try to keep me around. Absolutely no definite answers were found. I think I came up with 4 possible life outcomes today. It's like a game I play. I try to imagine a different city, a different house/living space, a different job, different friends and lovers, each one unique and lovely to the point of heartbreak. I just can't decide which one I want the most! Maybe my problem is that I have too many dreams lol. Tomorrow I'm sure I'll come up with more. Today I went between Nottingham England, New York, Montreal, and a slightly random excursion to Spain. Each one different. Each one the same. All filled with love and art and antiques lol.

Today my mother said she wonders when I will grow up and be an adult. This was after I mentioned something about music and public art, and a practical joke. I asked her define adult and she shook her head. I said is that someone who has no fun? Who only worries and has responsibilities and believes their life is over? I told her adulthood is what you make it. More angry grunts. I should never open my mouth.

School is still out. Tomorrow I will try to catch up. But for right now I will drink my new found concoction of orange green tea with a little bit of all natural fruit juice. Yum x2.

Go listen to The Call by Regina Spektor. I cry, I ache, I pine. It makes me feel like I'm up to my eyes in potential goodbyes just waiting to happen in the next 2 years. I'm drowning in the need to make the most of people before they leave and I forget things about them. Things that I love about them that mkae them a crucial part of my life that will feel broken when they leave. I will write a letter to everyone who leaves about what makes them special in the world. Then we both won't ever forget. It's just such a pretty song it makes me so happy and sad at the same time <3

I think today I am full of love. It's been a while.
Much tea with juice filled LOVE

Fragments

For the moment I have lost the will to write in complete sentences. I feel I can only list. Here goes a random stream of thought:

Cd in my car right now: The Arcade Fire, Bright Eyes and Radiohead mix.
What I had for breakfast: peanut butter and jelly with an apple juice box
Current events: The faculty is on strike and I just want to go to fucking school
Last song I heard: These Boys Are Too Refined by The Hush Sound (orgasmy)
Last night I dreamed: That my Dad was a serial killer and there was a bag of heads in my kitchen, terrifying
Regretting: Putting off responsibilities at work lately
Current love interest: Amanda's gorgeous, talented, vampire-like boyfriend. Wall me.
Happy because: My preorder was shipped, it's nice outside, and the weekend is coming
Sad because: My preorders not here, I have to work and it's nice outside and I still have to work all weekend
If I could be anywhere right now: Point Pelee. Yes. Walking on the boardwalk and butterfly hunting to the max. I <3 nature
Tonight: I get paid to be a drowning victim at staff training. This is nice. The gaurds hate me cause I sit on the bottom of the pool
Worried about: Ever going back to school.


Wanna see my new lover? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYYMCXT3_Ng
He's an artist. Wall me.

Much fragmented and random love

Happy Amanda Palmer Day

This fruitcup tastes like metal. These drama students taste like metal. This reading tastes like fruitloops. I should have grabbed the plastic peach cups. It wouldn't taste like aluminum foil. It's like getting my tongue stuck to the playground in January. Fact. But, for some reason I was feeling nostalgic about the metal cups and my apple juice box and packed some snacks, being reminded of my grade school lunch routine. I was in a good mood this morning. I got up a half hour early with little trouble on only five hours of sleep. I havn't gottten tired of school yet. It's nice to get up and watch the sun come up as I drive across the county. This is one of few visual advantages of living on a flat, nearly barren wasteland. It's Tuesday again ,and again I'm surrounded by drama students. Yay for headphones. Yay for being in fourth year and throwing out random comments to second years who don't ask for my opinion that I so generously throw out to show that I'm eaves dropping, that I can easily burst their bubble. "You like reading Ayers?? Oh he's all rainbows and butterflies now, wait till you get called in to do emergency supply with no lesson plan and Ayers flies out the window." Then smile, "Oh don't get me wrong he's good, of course he might have bombed the pentagon (fact again) I'm just saying..." The look of fear on their faces almost makes me guilty for throwing around my smart ass senior cents. Oh babies, I was you, you will be me, it's a vicous cycle, a matter of time.

It's Amanda Palmer Day. I may or may not have shed a tear when I couldn't place my preorder. Some fucked up shit with the bank. All I want to do is throw money at people and they won't have any of it for no apparent reason. I'm wearing my t shirt in honour of it all. Today she might post new tour dates. I wanna go again. If God likes me today maybe there will be a show in Toronto and I'll go alone if I have to. And I'll be wild.

OH. Yesterday my favourite Yoga instructor came in to the rec centre. She looked at me up and down and said. "Look at you, you're friend, shes small town, you are not. You know you're not supposed to stay here right? Get out, get away, you don't belong here." I was taken back at first. I dream about what it would be like to up and leave all the time. Then I started thinking about what I'd be leaving, this town, this job, these friends, family. Which naturally led to thinking about who I'd be leaving. Not such a big deal. My parents aren't the clingy type, my friends would go on like normal, there's no boy begging me to stay. Hmmmm at first I'm thinking, good thing, but is this depressing? Noooooooot really.

Lisa says it would be good for me to find a man. A man who adores me and genuinely enjoys just being around me. And still gives me space, lots of space. But she says he better not treat me like a princess or I'd probably punch him. This is true. She says we should all find men to throw us against walls. Lisa is very smart.

I hope I go out tomorrow night. Maybe I'll go out regardless. Alone if I have to. I'm not going to see my drummer lover anymore. One day again. Face to face. And next time I'll say more than, "Hiiiayamfdkbthtjbe................." Dolt. I can be a dolt.

Much Who Killed Amanda Palmer love

Drama. School. Balls.

I think I'm developing social anxiety. Being around people in general today has been one of the most awkward and stressful things. I don't I'm used to being around this many people I don't choose to see on a regular basis in far too long. I'm sitting alone in the drama lounge, surrounded by people in groups. Drama students in general are exhausting. I get along well with very few. They have this endless energy that makes them capable of suffocating you with their constant insincere wit and dry humor. Right now two girls are literally running around the building (it's an open concept design) floor to floor, in masks and yelling in Italian accents as commedia del arte characters. Funny? Yes, but this is everyday and it can be exhausting. The egos around here are so big they should have to register seperately. They take up enough space. Everytime I try to find space at the end of the couch someone has no problem sitting close enough to touch. You do not own personal space in a drama lounge. Touching strangers is probably part of the art. Someone just said, "we feed off eachother." This is true, they're eating my persoanl space. And yes, I am writing this surrounded still. If only they knew. God help me I love drama and art but people exhaust me. And if I want to work in the field, these are my collegues. I am scared. Maybe i just need to suck it up and stop being such a bitch. But for reals, a girl walked right up to me today, introduced herself, and told me she would remember me for the future. Aw, you cute bright eyed art students, one day you will adopt my cynicism. I'm sorry for that. I get the feeling people think I'm either a snob, bitch, or recluse. It's not the case. I'm just socially awkward with new people until I figure out if they're as crazy as me.

People are starting to leave and my anxiety is decreasing. But I still have an hour and a half before class and no one to talk to. I'm watching music videos without sound cause I forgot my headphones. This is tragic. I wish I had a reading or an assignment or something to make me look busy and unapproachable.

On a positive, productive note I have already decided my topic for directed studies. I might be the only one. It's an obvious choice for me and I'm lucky enough to have a ready made support system for studying drama in ESL. Not to mention a year's experience. Holla. This may be succesful.

I'm practically alone now. Bitches ain't shit. Almost relaxed. I envy people who can sleep in public. I'd be out like a light fo sho.

Oh god, the guy across the room just said he has a rapier. Mental note: don't fuck with that guy. Thats another thing. Drama students are scary because they are slightly crazy and usually own combat weapons for stage. You have been warned.

Back to boredom and more vids. I'm so tired and class is three hours long tonight.

I smell like oatmeal

I have so much energy it's gross, and a little scary. Today was the first day of classes. This girl has class at 8:30 in the morning on Tuesdays and Thursdays, intro to kin. I'm banking on the fact that I took exercise science in high school and the fact that the class has no actual text book that I will make it through unscathed. I already took biology 101 so this can't be much worse right? Plus Bethany, my hetero-wife, is with me so it really can't be so bad. But the thing that sucks is that my next class of the day is atmosphere and climate and that one doesn't start until 7pm. Balls. So I bought that $138 textbook (which is even more balls) and came home. I won't go tonight. Not because I'm lazy, I actually intend on going to most classes. It's just that if they let us early I'll be pissed. I'd much rather do something important like go to work (I've been really putting this off for a few days). I need to get going on planning things for my new position. I was supposed to start last week. I figured I deserved a few days off but I still need to bank some hours. Money is tight when the university makes you her bitch.

On the extremely positive side I have this insane amount of energy right now that inspired me to finally apply for my loan. I am the worst procrastinator ever. Looks like tuition will be paid after all. I'm actually happy I'm not getting as much as I used to. Less debt to pay. Even if it means I get to wear my torn jeans and old t shirts for another year. Screw fancy clothes, the poor student look is chic. But really, so much energy that I wanted to actually do yoga, I considered quitting being a destructive lazy kid. I'm going to get a haircut today and pay attention to what I'm eating because lately I look like a stressed out, well, student. Messy hair, wrinkled clothes, makeup-less face, sunglasses and coffee in hand. I even picked up an add drop form today and bought a notebook. I remembered how much I actually kinda like sitting in a class, especially with Beth. Thank god for her or I'd shoot myself in class for sure. We pass notes like 14 year olds and draw pictures of the profs with speech bubbles. For serious. Maturity is overrated yo. And btw how the fuck did I come to be in fourth year? This is a really unfunny joke and depressing to say the least. Abbee is experiencing a similar funk. She's started her last year of high school. Poor Babs was so sad leaving for school the other day, knowing it was her last first day at Harrow. Quinten took her by the arms, shook her, and said in his best dramatically deep voice, "Make it the best year ever!" My baby brother is wise beyond years lol.

Oh and my soap addiction is growing. I bought Lush lotion, cleanser, 2 more body soaps, and an energy boosting shower bomb. Fuck my addictive personality, I live for smelly soap. And I LOVE smelling like oatmeal, so fuck Chanel.

Much oatmeal-y-smelling-soap love

I am writing graffiti on your body

I'm listening to Ani DiFranco who has amazing music, music-y poetry. Shit that makes you listen, pretty words strung together in puzzles that make sense. Music that makes me want to buy a guitar, develop some dred locks, live under a tree and do nothing but think about pretty things that will never ever generate a steady income. I wish I could write poetry more than I wish I had the ability to fly lol. And that one's a life long daydream. I'm wearing flowy skirts and ditching the makeup as of late. I've developed a love for yoga, tai chi and organic food. Not to mention I just happen to obsess over vegan soap. More for the smell of oatmeal cookies than the actual vegan-ness. I'm not too keen on giving up my red meat right now. But give it a year, who knows... I digress. lol Yeah, the hardcore hippie life won't happen. I love my red lipstick and black heels way too much. Who says you have to be one way or the other? Not I.

Last night was a mess. Busted out the whiskey and decided to drink with family that was down. Mess, mess, mess. Not that I was sick or even really far gone. I had one of those god awful emotional waves that sometimes come when your mental state is slightly off. I think it was a mix of looming school, the end of camp, feeling guilty for lying to people lately (white lies but what's the difference in the end?), and generally feeling lonely. Feeling lonely is a fucking trip for me. I hate that I have the human need to sometimes rely on people and relationships. It's not that I can't be alone, I'm not one of those girls who has to go out every night or latch herself in a string of disastrous relationships to feel validated and full of purpose. But, if I could just be completely independent I truly believe I would be so much better off. Makes me feel weak and reliant and I hate it. The last thing I ever want to be is one of those girls who plan their life around others or just one person. What a nightmare. If I was a totally independent I could then focus completely on school and work and what I want for myself. Maybe that's terrible, to wish away attachment. But, then I wouldn't feel bad about ever leaving anyone or anyplace. It just seems incredibly liberating. Unfortunately that's not the case and I have a tendency to feel guilty for wanting to move away from everyone and for holding grudges against people who would up and leave and not miss me as much as I would miss them. Mostly, I can't help but feel torn between being isolated and finding someone who's life would compliment my own in the most beautiful way without suffocating me completely. Doesn't it feel so good to know that you can do anything and go anywhere without worrying about how it affects someone else? But, doesn't it feel good when someone just wants to hold your hand because it's attached to your arm and no one elses? You can hold my hand but it still belongs to my arm.

I think these are my favourite Ani DiFranco lyrics as of yet:

We could be stuck in traffic for over a week with a car full of quintuplets who are all cutting teeth and around my neck could be a flaming Christmas wreath and I'd be smiling underneath

and also:

tell you the truth i prefer the worst of you

too bad you had to have a better half

she's not really my type

but i think you two are forever

and i hate to say it but

you're perfect together

so fuck you

and your untouchable face

and fuck you

for existing in the first place

and who am i

that i should be vying for your touch

and who am i

i bet you can't even tell me that much

And the moral of the story is I am a fucking emotional girl who wishes she were made of stone. There is something to be said for my desire to be a living statue. Haha, pretentious artists and psychologists would read so much into this and say I already am one.

Scary.

And now, a rant.

I really almost lost my mind today. I stood and listened to my aunt ramble on about this time she took my cousin to Toronto and saw him looking at the homeless people. Of course he had never seen a homeless person before. My aunt told everyone at the table (a group of elderly church women) how she explained to her son that they were not to feel sorry for this person because they weren't really poor. They are tricking you to get money she said, dressing up and pretending to be poor and we shouldn't feel bad for them. We shouldn't make eye contact and ignore them completely.

I could go off in a huge bitch rant about how this sends me into a fit of anger that borders on rage. At the time I actually stopped her and said, "That is terrible. That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard." What I wanted to say was, listen bitch, your son deserves the truth. The truth is that this person may or may not have chosen this life for themselves. Who are you to judge them? Who are you to say we don't need compassion in this world? Go ahead, teach your child not to make eye contact but heaven forbid you ever fall on hard times and need help. Heaven forbid you ever feel the shame of asking for a handout. You don't have to give money to people on the street but don't make them out to be criminals and scary people to children. I hate ignorance and I hate spreading ignorance to children even more.

She told me I was too young to understand and to wait until I was older to speak about such things... Oh good. You're an ageist too. Even better than I thought.

....

I'm 21 years old and have been lucky enough to have seen and experienced three times as much as you. Fuck off. The older I get the more amazed I am with the attitude of my elders towards the rest of society. These are the people who raised me? I don't recognize them sometimes. I am confused but mostly sad. I don't want people to be perfect. I want the opposite. I want recognition of bias and flaw. You may not understand and that's okay. You don't always have to be right and neither do I.

I've run out of words.
It's bed time.

You are so fucking lucky

This is the first time I've felt like writing in forever. Mostly because nothing has been happening that makes me want to go type crazy. Work has been stressful and to write every detail would be a draining, exhausting experience. I almost feel that if I don't document it there's a possibility I can forget about it and move on. If I put it in words it exists on hardcopy and can be revisited. I'm very good at forgetting and altering memories if i have to. It's why I keep coming back to my job, I push and hide and tuck away the bad memories so I can start fresh.... I think. It makes sense now that I think about it. The good moments outweigh the bad even though they are terribly less frequent.

Amanda Palmer came and went. Bittersweet. Short but so fantastic that it should sustain me for a while. It could sustain me for a very long time if it had to. The hostil was beautiful and clean and yellow! I can't wait to go back. We had this huge balcony all to ourselves and a room named after Will Shatner. I bought soap and dragged Christopher to every eccentric and girly store on Queen St. and he was a good sport about it. I did feel bad that the soap girls kept shoving bars of "I should co co" and "honey I washed the kids" in his face. We went back to the Red Lion and sat outside this time. We had wine and adventures for an opener that we had all the while, we made friends with a raccoon and he made his stenciled t shirt. Another adventure in the rain for an exact-o knife was inevitable. We drowned in wine and beer, ate pub food and for a day I lived how I'd like to everyday. The show itself was surreal. We had dinner at the Rivoli. Correction: we drank dinner at the Rivoli and chased the Jack Daniels and Keiths with a divided pita. How could we possibly eat when the show was hours away? I drank lots and thankfully entered that perfect light headed state that just made everything feel giddy and light. We met two fans who put up wtih our excitement. It was nice to find new people who shared our enthusiasm when most just stare at you, blank faced and confused. That gets boring real fast. We talked for a while and like I said, it was so nice to meet people who understand something you love when it can't be explained to your regular friends or even family. Vermillion Lies opened and I knew their music was cute and catchy but I was expecting mediocrity. I was so wrong. They were hilarious and charming and everything a sister act in cabaret should be. Then Amanda came out and she was so beautiful. The room was so small that we sat up on a bar and could see perfectly. She held up signs and lip sang to ben folds while we cheered and she expressed her love. My state of euphoria allowed me to buy two t shirts and I just sat in awe and watched my whole summer flash before my eyes while she sang. We had to leave early so Chris could catch his flight to Germany, and yes it was sad but understandable. I couldn't be angry. I got to go away and stay in my favourite place, I saw my favourite person with one of my best friends. Who could be angry after that? I can't be selfish like that, it was really one of those moments where I had to stop and say, "You are so fucking lucky you were here at all. You need to take this for what it is or you will spend your life never being thankful for anything." And so, we RAN. lol We ran to the hostil, we ran out of it, we ran into a cab and flew through traffic like cracked out gangstas. We caught our bus in time and drank red wine while middle aged people stared in horror. How perfect to see a man in a bowler hat and a girl in a funeral veil drinking vino from the bottle on a midnight greyhound. It could only end this way. I'll never forget it.

The more I have these experiences and plan my own adventures the more I believe there is much for me to do and see. I genuinely feel like something is waiting and coming, something big. It could just be hoping and wishing but knowing that the small plans I make work out gives me hope that bigger ones will too. The more beautiful things I see the more I hear this voice that says, "Kid, you don't even know..." Fuck, if I can learn to juggle in a day I can do anything.

I had more to say but that whole story has made everything else insignificant right now. Blah blah blah, work is fine, I got a promotion, I learned to juggle, I got into the class I wanted, blah blah blah. All I know is I'm going to see Amanda Palmer again one day and actually meet her. I'll thank her for making me want more out of life.

And for now I'm going to drink orange ginger decaf tea and maybe play some loudcrowd. But Christopher's not here to play and that means it's just creepy getting those automated one liners from randoms. "I'm on fire baby." Ugh.

Much wicked-artsy-free-love <3


"I am so happy you all came" -A.F.P.

July skies, fire flies

I meant to write this a long time ago.

Last week I went for a walk for about an hour. I was feeling pretty low. In comparison to last summer...well there is no comparison. I have two good friends left in this town. And thank god for them or I would be lost. My job is good but the staff has changed and my work friends are gone. They all leave the messes for me and I end up volunteering. I don't care. I'd do almost anything to make sure camp runs smoothly but I don't like being taken advantage of. I have yet to have a bon fire or camp out. I miss so many people that have left. And so I have found a safe hiding place out in the open at night. I walk from one side of town to the other listening to music and paying attention to everything except for the people. I have to admit living in the middle of nowhere has some redeeming qualities and that's why I got out at night, to find the things that make staying here somewhat worthwhile for now. There is this spot on the outskirts of town, towards the lake, where the oldest cemeteries are found and the closest apple orchards begin. Right there where the road bends you can stand and look out over a soy bean field and see hundreds of fire flies, like moving flickering stars. Directly above was the moon, whole and circled in blue. I wanted to stay longer but the bugs were biting so I created this mental picture instead.

Tonight some friends return. Next weekend I go and see the street performances at the river. Two weeks later and I'm off to Toronto for the glorious punk cabaret. I'm staying optomistic kids. Summer's not over yet.

"But, you are my love the astronaut, flying in the face of science. I will gladly stay an afterthought. Just bring back some nice reminders."

I am coming Ms. Palmer. And vacation is coming to me!

Oh and I almsot forgot! In university I used to have all kids of dreams about tornados when I was stressed. Last night I had my first tornado dream in probably a year. It was the biggest one yet, an F5 for sure. And no matter how hard I tried I couldn't run. I hope it's a symbol of the past rather than the future. :-)

Much love kids

Happy camper

I am so tired. I fell asleep on my keyboard. I have 65 daycamp kids. For the most part they are wonderful. The new ones and the regulars. If it weren't for them I'd be totally loosing it. I'm pulling ten hour days on average.

I understand that its strange and awkward working with someone who is supposed to be your supervisor who is also your peer. But every comment does not need to be an attack. Not every minor incident is the end of the world. Breathe, relax, the kids are smiling. Parents are happy. The world still spins for all we know. We're all learning together. Why does it have to be difficult? Life isn't as hard as you make it out to be. In short, we as a group need to work on communication. Or maybe manners. Maybe it's the same thing.

And despite the stress I still have the best job in the world. When you have a genuine conversation with a kid who is going through a tough time and they tell you how much they like camp it makes it worth it. When you are hugged and thanked and you hears screams of, "I don't want to go home!" Then you know there is something worthwhile left for you to do everyday and though small, it matters.

But now I'm bored and still tired and no one is here. I don't feel like watching a movie alone... I don't feel like doing much of anything alone.

When I grow up

When I grow up I want to:

be an artist

work with other artists

perform in some capacity

tour and travel

design

i don't want to necessarily be rich and famous, I don't really want that at all

i want to meet lots of people and feel inspired everyday

i want to paint and dance and sweat and laugh






Something has to change. I'm drowning in monotony.

Time to leave this place, and soon.

My Birthday

I hate my birthday. Not because I get older. I could care less about age. That's a semi lie. Turning 20 was a near tragedy at first but 21 is no sweat. I hate it when people call and make a big deal, like I did something really important. I'd rather celebrate good grades or gettting a promotion at work. And I guess birthdays can be for celebrating a years accomplishments but its not like we actually think about that come a friend's birthday. And besides, I'm not going to list them for you. A relelvant accomplishment should be celebrated in THAT moment anyways. But it seems birthdays are a bigger deal and yet, I have done nothing but stayed alive for another 365 days. I don't even like cake. Sure, I like celebrating an overall year of success but I always thought thats what the holidays were for. On New Years we all celebrate together and no one is singled out. Not that singling out accomplishments is bad. I just prefer the celebrating everyone at the same time. "I love you, I love that you're here, thanks for being in my life, let's all be in love with each other and hope that we get another year of this together." That's more fun than my birthday. "Cheers to me, I squeezed my way out of a uterus, let's drink." I don't think so. And so in a week from today I will be 21. I took my birthday off facebook. Those who genuinely wish me a happy birthday are welcome to do so. Those who feel obligated because the feed told you so will not have to worry about keeping up with the Jones'. lol You're off the hook. I don't need my inbox flooded anyways. I love that people want to take me out and celebrate with me, I can't wait to see those I love. I guess I should add that I have nothing against celebrating birthdays in general, if you love your birthday more power to you, I envy it.

I already know I'm getting a camera. What I really want is a twenty dollar band shirt I should have bought months ago. Tragic. If only they'd ask. lol. I could save them money.

Much love

There is no title, just incoherent sounds in my throat

This summer is officially going to be beautiful. There is no way in hell that it couldn't. Even if everyday rained, as long as I make it to Toronto on August 9th to see Amanda Palmer it will be absolutely fantastic. I found out today and yelled, I screamed, I shook my sister. Finally something to look forward to! I was so afraid that this summer would be awful, work and no play. But this is the best news I could have gotten. The circus is coming to town kids, and I'm gonna be front and center.

At this very moment life=love and love=life. I'm on cloud nine and I'd like to stay. At least for the night. Did I mention the summer isn't going to suck afterall?

: ) You don't even know.

Goodbye forever Crash!

I have sleep issues. People say they call my house in the morning, people say they call my cell phone. I never hear it. Apparently my phone alarm rings and I shut if off. I never remember this. I have this theory that it's an escape mechanism. My subconscious self just shoots the world a big ol' middle finger and keeps dreaming about lots of things. Awful things, good things, things that would make you wonder. I could care less about reality when i finally wake up. I guess my mom tried to call three times in a row and I just kept dreaming on through it. Good. I have no excuse for people than, "Obviously my body needs the rest." And who am I to say it's a lie?

And now for a strange story:

Last week I ran into my devastating high school let down. The reason I became cynical. He left town ages ago. It's really not so dramatic. It wasn't some great love, just a huge disappointment. I really should thank him. He taught me how to be guarded, to be wary of words (and men in general), and strange promises with underlying motives. Mostly the kind that last a night. Anyways we were at the same place, same time. I was halfway to inhebriation and thought what the hell. So, there I was with my high school crash (not crush) and grade school boyfriend, drinking, while they just asked me questions about how and why and when I changed. I just laughed and said I grew up, and asked them when they got old and why they havn't changed at all. High school let down was VERY friendly, rubbing my back, standing and talking very close. I had to try really hard not to laugh. I considered the unspeakable. Maybe I could be a little reckless, maybe I could forget all that other shit for a little bit and have fun, maybe my 17 year-old-self was cheering me on. Nah, lol the idea of adding another chapter to that ridiculous book of teenage disaster was laughable. So I used my well tuned defenses that he so lovingly gave me three odd years ago. At the end of the night he muttered something about how we never see each toher and probably wouldn't again for a very long time. "How tragic," I smiled, "Goodbye forever then!" And turned out the door, arm in arm with my girlfriend.

I could be brilliant, I could be an idiot. My 17 year-old-self hates me. My almost 21 year-old-self loves me. He's not what I want. Much too pretty. haha



Much love.

Kissy face

Today was probably the most productive day in months. I placed a camp order, tons of prizes and toys for the kids. We handed out post cards to the businesses in town. I got t shirt prices (but have yet to actually place an order). I paid my speeding ticket before getting a notice in the mail! This is pretty huge for me, being the procrastinator that I am. Proof of my legendary procrastination skills comes in the money owed to school. Who I am happy to say received an e mail from me today promising speedy payments now that I am thankfully employed. I really do have a certain gentleman to thank for all these accomplishments. Now that he is finished working he has become my biggest helper and motivation for getting the dirty business out of the way. Feels good, like living someone elses life for a bit lol. I'm being led to believe the only true key to success is initiative and organization. Who knew?

~~~

On a very lovely and free Sunday Jakey and I went on an adventure including Big Breakfast (a fast growing tradition), Colasantis, and flower shopping. Here is my photo essay:

Jake pretending he and the goat are downtown after a night of drinking:

Me playing with a baby who tried to eat my favourite jeans. Monster.

More fun with the goats. I had this really funny feeling they knew they were being mocked.

Playing kissy face with beauty. We taught her to say "How yu durrrin?"
All in all fantastic. The past 2 days have felt like an entire week of glorious breakfasts, car rides, flower shopping, sunshine, pizza dinners and movie nights. I can have my cake and eat it too.

Back to semi reality today. I taught my fantastic art attack class that consists of five of the cutest little girls you will ever meet in one room. They will all be beautiful girls one day, each one in her own way is stunning. I love watching them dance and play and paint. Most of the time they are more taken up with cutting up pieces of feathers and pipe cleaners than actually creating a unified craft. They can just sit there and watch the glitter on their hands and never think to glue it to anything. Beads are more fun loose in your pockets than on string and the little shapes that come from cutting holes in paper are more interesting than the empty spaces left in the paper. I hate inhibiting crafts anyways. I would much rather prefer to let them come up with own creation than anything I suggest.

I could go on but I have to try and sleep. I have a day of babysitting tomorrow with my boys. Hopefully they're tired in the morning and we can all relax together. I've had trouble sleeping lately and don't really know why. Strange dreams and trouble waking up are becoming a constant nuisance.

Much love

To do in the next few days:

Get t shirt prices and numbers

Remember to go to first aid training (because I totally spaced on it today)

Pay speeding ticket (before they lock me up)

Pay the university (in magic beans and whatever else I have of value)

Change old day camp signs around Essex county

Get car serviced (when I don't need it? haha yeaaaaah)

Come up with camp brainstorms for meeting on Friday

Finish camp inventory and type it up

Put up flyers

Think of other things I need to order in bulk

I'm sure there's more. This is the only place I can put it right now and not lose it.

Oi to the world.

I heart my life/job/insanity.

And when not doing the camp life I take not-so-serious hat pictures in very serious faces.

Much love

11:11

For about a week I have caught myself looking at the clock at exactly 11:11 every night straight. I'm not being overly dramatic, I just find it funny, humorous, and strange. I honestly laugh to myself every time and wish for the same damn thing because I have nothing to lose. Tonight was the first night I missed it. I looked at the clock at 12:11 instead. Fate is a tease. But so am I, right Mack? lol

Planning for camp is going really well. I figured out the mystery of spread sheets, which is actually incredibly simple and I've gone all organized and professional on myself. Let's just keep our fingers crossed that I can keep it up. I'm getting really comfortable in my position. I thought I was really going to miss the constant interaction with the kids (which I will). I guess my mentality right now is that from behind the scenes I can better control and create the environment and atmosphere of camp. Which means various nonstop overlapping and simultaneous activities. Which also means tons of takedown and set up for me. Oi, for you kids I'll do it. My one and crippling problem as of late is that I cannot spend money, especially other people's. Yes, yes a young girl with a strange spending problem, how cliche of me. But my craft list was a whopping 10 items. Luckily, my support system can spend money like water and we're balancing each other out. I also find it hysterical that my biggest problem right now is choosing between cheap gorilla and squirrel mascot costumes on Ebay. And a month ago I was stressing over school...yeah I pretty much love summer more than peppermint tea. And that says a hell of a lot.

Going through the vault I found something I wrote years ago for creative writing:

If I ever really miss you, I promise I won't call.
I'll just talk to your photos, the burned ones on the wall.
And if you should ever wonder what became of my black heart,
I tore it up in pieces, I collaged, and call it "art"
So, I don't worry about skipping beats and butterflies inside.
Life is infinitely simpler when your emotions have all died.
Let's call the friends and family, plan a funeral parade.
Come mourn the the bitter ending, respects are to be paid.
"How sad," they'll say, "To be so young. Surely it wasn't time,"
"For feeling to have decomposed. What tragedy and crime."
But there I'll be, smiling away, ignoring their foul tears,
Content to live in numbness for the remainder of the years.

Emo much? Yeeesh. I might sell this to Deathcab. I probably ripped off the essence of their songs as inspiration anyways. My rhyming skills are also a marvel lol. Although, I'm kind of fond of the collage line.

"Right now I can be happy if I choose to. I know that in the morning I will lose you."
Now there is a line I can only wish to have written. New Dresden Dolls makes the world a better place. If my cd doesn't come soon this town will burn. Or, just the post office. How I wish I was going to Rothbury to see them and the whole beautiful circus cabaret wonderland. I'd beg them to take me with them and never go home again. What a 21st birthday that would be.... I almost cried about it today. (I AM overdramatic thanks for noticing) So close and yet so far has never rang so true.

If I happen to catch the clock at 11:11 tomorrow we all know what I'll be wishing for. <3


Much love

Stop it

I need you to be happy for me, to say congratulations, to say something other than useless blather. I need to be told that I deserve this, that you were wrong and I'm okay afterall. Because, I feel broken, like you tore me up inside and now I don't matter. I'm so tired, I just want to sleep and I can't.

I hate you. I hate you.

No, forget it.
I can tell myself. I deserve this and so much more. Fuck your assumptions. Fuck my doubts.

This should have been a good night.

Random Weekend

I won 200 dollars last night at the casino. I understand why people develop gambling addictions. You just keep thinking that one more bet will do it, the machine is ready to pay if you're patient enough. I like setting limits, breaking even, knowing ahead of time how much money I am willing to loose. And importantly, remembering where my money is going. It would be different if the money was going towards a good cause. I can't justify throwing away hundreds of dollars to a casino to make the rich richer. That's disgusting. Which makes me think that I need to re-evaluate where the majority of my money goes.

Abbee just ran through the kitchen. Probably drunk? Crying? We'll see. Ohhhhh, maybe a late night older sibling lecture is in order. Lucky thing doesn't know the parentals are in bed.....

(5 minutes later)
Not drunk, possibly and probably slightly buzzed, and wearing a boy's sweater. Oh well, no bad cop Frankee tonight. There's always the pre prom lecture to look forward to.

I went out last night to usual Friday night haunt. I brought my sister for her first pub experience and I think she liked it. My friend berated the guitar player until he played "Piano Man," which he didn't know very well, it was a short version of three verses and probably not in the right order whatsoever. But we sang at the top of our lungs anyways and the whole thing is on tape, soon to be posted for the pleasure of the entire internet community. Many sweet potato fries were eaten, and lots of beer was enjoyed. Overall, it was a great time. Something was bugging me for about a minute but beer and singing can always clear up any worries.

Biggest news of the week: I recieved a really unexpected surprise at work when I found out that I will be the new coordinator of camp. People ask if I'm excited. Scared shitless is more like it. I didn't realize I wanted the job. I hadn't considered getting it because I thought for sure someone else would. I was even told last year that I wasn't coordinator, "material," by a friend. Now that I think about it, I could do it, I still have some things to learn but I havn't been working for two years in the winter season for nothing. I've been working towards something bigger and I didn't realize it was time to move up. It's a huge step as far as my responsibilities go and a lot of extra work. I havn't been in a large leadership position since high school. I've kind of missed being in a in a position that allows me to create something more or less in my own image. I guess it's a fancy way of saying I miss being the boss. I'm so glad I decided not to do intersession so that I can put virtually all my energy into this. I've been so bored lately and planning for camp is something I would be happy to do in any spare time. I have great help too, and a lot of support. I'm just so excited to organize and plan and make changes and I'm being a complete nerd and I don't care! All I really know is that I love camp and now I have the ability to do almost anything I want.

Sidenote:
There's this part in the movie Juno where she has just told her dad she's pregnant and he says, "I thought you were the kind of girl who knew when to say when." And she says, "I don't really know what kind of girl I am." THAT'S my favourite part.
I'm all kinds of messed up girl and I kinda like it.



Have a good long weekend, wherever you are.

Much love

Bitch

Bitch wore my favourite scarf to school today and I wrote the better part of a novel about her??

UGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHG

I take it all back. Only children have it so good. Enjoy the sweet life lonely kids.




W/e. I'm through.

;-)

Happy 17th Baberella (eh eh eh)

I meant to go house hunting and ended up with a tattoo. That is so my life. That is strangely typical. I don't plan these things. Every piercing or slight body modification (even drastic hair colour and cut) has been spur of the moment. I don't think things over, I don't like to doubt myself. It's been this way for so long and I realized it at a pretty young age. Probably in the seventh grade when I cut my hair off. Truth be told it was probably way back in the first grade when my long black hair down my back was clipped to a spikey horrific mess due to head lice. I guess it's a survival thing. I decided a long time ago that there would be no regrets. It's not worth mulling over the small insignificants. Hair grows, piercings close, tattoos can be hidden (if you're lucky). But, they remind of us of who we were in a moment in time. Maybe I'll carry a piece of being twenty with me forever. Yeah, yeah I don't need body ink for that but I need a physical reminder. Like a daily pinch that reminds me, "Hey you fool, slow down, rock out, breathe, and let it go." Anyways the damn thing itches like hell. And no, it didn't hurt. it was a good pain for the most part, annoying as fuck at times though.

I'm thoroughly enjoying my new job babysitting. I like to think of it more as a nanny position. Although, the senile dog club likes to pee all over the floor when I'm alone with them. I cleaned up puppy pee 3 times in an hour today. I'd think it was in spite if they weren't so cute in their poor old age. And there is the small problem of the one child who likes to throw things at me when we play. Usually right in my face. Blocks, puzzle pieces, used tissues....it all goes at Frankee. I can discipline but he's pretty persistent. He's not bad, we're just testing each other still.

Happy 17th Birthday Baberella. It's my little sister's birthday and if I don't write about her she might shank me in my sleep. What can I say about the middle child that is my teenage sister? Well she's incredibly stubborn and terribly aggressive. She's the only four-year-old I've ever known that could take on any elementary school punk, toothless and all. I guess she's pretty smart even though we all know she's riding the coat tails of some pretty exceptional older siblings. All lies. She does it on her own I guess. Most of my teachers are gone now anyways. ;-) She's tough, she bounces back and she knows how to stick up for herself. I envy her ability to put her head ahead of her heart which I need to practice still. She's probably one of the only people in the world I can be completely myself around (the others being siblings and "lucky" friends) she understands my weird sense of humor, and I hers. She lets me gush on about things that she has no interest in whatsoever if only to stand and pretend to listen because she knows no one else will. When we're happy and feeling like bunnies on E we jump around the kitchen to Meatloaf and Billy Joel blarring away for the entire neighborhood to despise. She's one of two people I would let see myself loose control like that. (The other being another sister who deserves her own paragraph in her own time). We have photo shoots from time to time doing ridiculousness like squirrel hunting and hiding in giant BC trees. If you have a particular favourite small child keep them away from her. She will surely win them over in a matter of time. They will forget you even exist and simply talk about how special she is to you or just to themselves. I have seen this. So now you must know how wonderful she is because we all know that children are the most honest creatures in the world. Their purity makes them incapable of lies. Unlike boys and telemarketers. Happy Birthday Gaja Face. You're like the cheese to my macaroni, if I even really liked mac and cheese. It's hypothetical w/e. I like you a lot, you know, if "like" meant crazy-mad-love.

F bomb out


Much "like"