And now, a rant.

I really almost lost my mind today. I stood and listened to my aunt ramble on about this time she took my cousin to Toronto and saw him looking at the homeless people. Of course he had never seen a homeless person before. My aunt told everyone at the table (a group of elderly church women) how she explained to her son that they were not to feel sorry for this person because they weren't really poor. They are tricking you to get money she said, dressing up and pretending to be poor and we shouldn't feel bad for them. We shouldn't make eye contact and ignore them completely.

I could go off in a huge bitch rant about how this sends me into a fit of anger that borders on rage. At the time I actually stopped her and said, "That is terrible. That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard." What I wanted to say was, listen bitch, your son deserves the truth. The truth is that this person may or may not have chosen this life for themselves. Who are you to judge them? Who are you to say we don't need compassion in this world? Go ahead, teach your child not to make eye contact but heaven forbid you ever fall on hard times and need help. Heaven forbid you ever feel the shame of asking for a handout. You don't have to give money to people on the street but don't make them out to be criminals and scary people to children. I hate ignorance and I hate spreading ignorance to children even more.

She told me I was too young to understand and to wait until I was older to speak about such things... Oh good. You're an ageist too. Even better than I thought.

....

I'm 21 years old and have been lucky enough to have seen and experienced three times as much as you. Fuck off. The older I get the more amazed I am with the attitude of my elders towards the rest of society. These are the people who raised me? I don't recognize them sometimes. I am confused but mostly sad. I don't want people to be perfect. I want the opposite. I want recognition of bias and flaw. You may not understand and that's okay. You don't always have to be right and neither do I.

I've run out of words.
It's bed time.

You are so fucking lucky

This is the first time I've felt like writing in forever. Mostly because nothing has been happening that makes me want to go type crazy. Work has been stressful and to write every detail would be a draining, exhausting experience. I almost feel that if I don't document it there's a possibility I can forget about it and move on. If I put it in words it exists on hardcopy and can be revisited. I'm very good at forgetting and altering memories if i have to. It's why I keep coming back to my job, I push and hide and tuck away the bad memories so I can start fresh.... I think. It makes sense now that I think about it. The good moments outweigh the bad even though they are terribly less frequent.

Amanda Palmer came and went. Bittersweet. Short but so fantastic that it should sustain me for a while. It could sustain me for a very long time if it had to. The hostil was beautiful and clean and yellow! I can't wait to go back. We had this huge balcony all to ourselves and a room named after Will Shatner. I bought soap and dragged Christopher to every eccentric and girly store on Queen St. and he was a good sport about it. I did feel bad that the soap girls kept shoving bars of "I should co co" and "honey I washed the kids" in his face. We went back to the Red Lion and sat outside this time. We had wine and adventures for an opener that we had all the while, we made friends with a raccoon and he made his stenciled t shirt. Another adventure in the rain for an exact-o knife was inevitable. We drowned in wine and beer, ate pub food and for a day I lived how I'd like to everyday. The show itself was surreal. We had dinner at the Rivoli. Correction: we drank dinner at the Rivoli and chased the Jack Daniels and Keiths with a divided pita. How could we possibly eat when the show was hours away? I drank lots and thankfully entered that perfect light headed state that just made everything feel giddy and light. We met two fans who put up wtih our excitement. It was nice to find new people who shared our enthusiasm when most just stare at you, blank faced and confused. That gets boring real fast. We talked for a while and like I said, it was so nice to meet people who understand something you love when it can't be explained to your regular friends or even family. Vermillion Lies opened and I knew their music was cute and catchy but I was expecting mediocrity. I was so wrong. They were hilarious and charming and everything a sister act in cabaret should be. Then Amanda came out and she was so beautiful. The room was so small that we sat up on a bar and could see perfectly. She held up signs and lip sang to ben folds while we cheered and she expressed her love. My state of euphoria allowed me to buy two t shirts and I just sat in awe and watched my whole summer flash before my eyes while she sang. We had to leave early so Chris could catch his flight to Germany, and yes it was sad but understandable. I couldn't be angry. I got to go away and stay in my favourite place, I saw my favourite person with one of my best friends. Who could be angry after that? I can't be selfish like that, it was really one of those moments where I had to stop and say, "You are so fucking lucky you were here at all. You need to take this for what it is or you will spend your life never being thankful for anything." And so, we RAN. lol We ran to the hostil, we ran out of it, we ran into a cab and flew through traffic like cracked out gangstas. We caught our bus in time and drank red wine while middle aged people stared in horror. How perfect to see a man in a bowler hat and a girl in a funeral veil drinking vino from the bottle on a midnight greyhound. It could only end this way. I'll never forget it.

The more I have these experiences and plan my own adventures the more I believe there is much for me to do and see. I genuinely feel like something is waiting and coming, something big. It could just be hoping and wishing but knowing that the small plans I make work out gives me hope that bigger ones will too. The more beautiful things I see the more I hear this voice that says, "Kid, you don't even know..." Fuck, if I can learn to juggle in a day I can do anything.

I had more to say but that whole story has made everything else insignificant right now. Blah blah blah, work is fine, I got a promotion, I learned to juggle, I got into the class I wanted, blah blah blah. All I know is I'm going to see Amanda Palmer again one day and actually meet her. I'll thank her for making me want more out of life.

And for now I'm going to drink orange ginger decaf tea and maybe play some loudcrowd. But Christopher's not here to play and that means it's just creepy getting those automated one liners from randoms. "I'm on fire baby." Ugh.

Much wicked-artsy-free-love <3


"I am so happy you all came" -A.F.P.