As long as he needs me

He only ever needs me at night. When there's no one else around and it's dark, he'll hold my hand and make sure I'm there. In the day light he couldn't care less, he makes it painfully obvious he doesn't need me and sometimes I'm sure he would rather I was far, far away. I stay up until he falls asleep and at that point, even in sleep, he throws my hand away. He lets go and even tosses it back at me. It's purpose was served. When we watch movies he sits far away and makes sure we don't look at each other. And even though he puts me through the ringer I still love him. I pat his head and touch his hair and say goodnight. Amazingly, I don't blame him, not at all.

He's only three. He can't help it.
Babysitting can be a hard gig yo.
One day we'll be friends...I hope :)

Oh! Go listen to Ben Folds' new album. It's love.

In the meantime watch two loves come together beauty-ously(sp?) lol.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTXsoi603yU
It's Amanda and Ben! Woo!


Much starry night sky love

The Call

I just biked for over an hour to the river motherfuckers. I could have stayed home and did the ab lounge in Abbees room but this was much more rewarding. Physical activity is much more fun when there's a reward at the end. It was nice outisde and I stood on the bridge and stared down at the river, framed by willow trees. I was probably 40 ft above the water. I love it. I saw butterflies on the trail and a lot of horse poop too. I rode behind the the barrel factory and smelled all the old musty woody containers that reek of red wine. Yum. I got a lot of thinking done. Thinking about hypothetical futures, where I'll be in five, ten years, where people in my life will be, who I'll lose, who might try to keep me around. Absolutely no definite answers were found. I think I came up with 4 possible life outcomes today. It's like a game I play. I try to imagine a different city, a different house/living space, a different job, different friends and lovers, each one unique and lovely to the point of heartbreak. I just can't decide which one I want the most! Maybe my problem is that I have too many dreams lol. Tomorrow I'm sure I'll come up with more. Today I went between Nottingham England, New York, Montreal, and a slightly random excursion to Spain. Each one different. Each one the same. All filled with love and art and antiques lol.

Today my mother said she wonders when I will grow up and be an adult. This was after I mentioned something about music and public art, and a practical joke. I asked her define adult and she shook her head. I said is that someone who has no fun? Who only worries and has responsibilities and believes their life is over? I told her adulthood is what you make it. More angry grunts. I should never open my mouth.

School is still out. Tomorrow I will try to catch up. But for right now I will drink my new found concoction of orange green tea with a little bit of all natural fruit juice. Yum x2.

Go listen to The Call by Regina Spektor. I cry, I ache, I pine. It makes me feel like I'm up to my eyes in potential goodbyes just waiting to happen in the next 2 years. I'm drowning in the need to make the most of people before they leave and I forget things about them. Things that I love about them that mkae them a crucial part of my life that will feel broken when they leave. I will write a letter to everyone who leaves about what makes them special in the world. Then we both won't ever forget. It's just such a pretty song it makes me so happy and sad at the same time <3

I think today I am full of love. It's been a while.
Much tea with juice filled LOVE

Fragments

For the moment I have lost the will to write in complete sentences. I feel I can only list. Here goes a random stream of thought:

Cd in my car right now: The Arcade Fire, Bright Eyes and Radiohead mix.
What I had for breakfast: peanut butter and jelly with an apple juice box
Current events: The faculty is on strike and I just want to go to fucking school
Last song I heard: These Boys Are Too Refined by The Hush Sound (orgasmy)
Last night I dreamed: That my Dad was a serial killer and there was a bag of heads in my kitchen, terrifying
Regretting: Putting off responsibilities at work lately
Current love interest: Amanda's gorgeous, talented, vampire-like boyfriend. Wall me.
Happy because: My preorder was shipped, it's nice outside, and the weekend is coming
Sad because: My preorders not here, I have to work and it's nice outside and I still have to work all weekend
If I could be anywhere right now: Point Pelee. Yes. Walking on the boardwalk and butterfly hunting to the max. I <3 nature
Tonight: I get paid to be a drowning victim at staff training. This is nice. The gaurds hate me cause I sit on the bottom of the pool
Worried about: Ever going back to school.


Wanna see my new lover? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYYMCXT3_Ng
He's an artist. Wall me.

Much fragmented and random love

Happy Amanda Palmer Day

This fruitcup tastes like metal. These drama students taste like metal. This reading tastes like fruitloops. I should have grabbed the plastic peach cups. It wouldn't taste like aluminum foil. It's like getting my tongue stuck to the playground in January. Fact. But, for some reason I was feeling nostalgic about the metal cups and my apple juice box and packed some snacks, being reminded of my grade school lunch routine. I was in a good mood this morning. I got up a half hour early with little trouble on only five hours of sleep. I havn't gottten tired of school yet. It's nice to get up and watch the sun come up as I drive across the county. This is one of few visual advantages of living on a flat, nearly barren wasteland. It's Tuesday again ,and again I'm surrounded by drama students. Yay for headphones. Yay for being in fourth year and throwing out random comments to second years who don't ask for my opinion that I so generously throw out to show that I'm eaves dropping, that I can easily burst their bubble. "You like reading Ayers?? Oh he's all rainbows and butterflies now, wait till you get called in to do emergency supply with no lesson plan and Ayers flies out the window." Then smile, "Oh don't get me wrong he's good, of course he might have bombed the pentagon (fact again) I'm just saying..." The look of fear on their faces almost makes me guilty for throwing around my smart ass senior cents. Oh babies, I was you, you will be me, it's a vicous cycle, a matter of time.

It's Amanda Palmer Day. I may or may not have shed a tear when I couldn't place my preorder. Some fucked up shit with the bank. All I want to do is throw money at people and they won't have any of it for no apparent reason. I'm wearing my t shirt in honour of it all. Today she might post new tour dates. I wanna go again. If God likes me today maybe there will be a show in Toronto and I'll go alone if I have to. And I'll be wild.

OH. Yesterday my favourite Yoga instructor came in to the rec centre. She looked at me up and down and said. "Look at you, you're friend, shes small town, you are not. You know you're not supposed to stay here right? Get out, get away, you don't belong here." I was taken back at first. I dream about what it would be like to up and leave all the time. Then I started thinking about what I'd be leaving, this town, this job, these friends, family. Which naturally led to thinking about who I'd be leaving. Not such a big deal. My parents aren't the clingy type, my friends would go on like normal, there's no boy begging me to stay. Hmmmm at first I'm thinking, good thing, but is this depressing? Noooooooot really.

Lisa says it would be good for me to find a man. A man who adores me and genuinely enjoys just being around me. And still gives me space, lots of space. But she says he better not treat me like a princess or I'd probably punch him. This is true. She says we should all find men to throw us against walls. Lisa is very smart.

I hope I go out tomorrow night. Maybe I'll go out regardless. Alone if I have to. I'm not going to see my drummer lover anymore. One day again. Face to face. And next time I'll say more than, "Hiiiayamfdkbthtjbe................." Dolt. I can be a dolt.

Much Who Killed Amanda Palmer love

Drama. School. Balls.

I think I'm developing social anxiety. Being around people in general today has been one of the most awkward and stressful things. I don't I'm used to being around this many people I don't choose to see on a regular basis in far too long. I'm sitting alone in the drama lounge, surrounded by people in groups. Drama students in general are exhausting. I get along well with very few. They have this endless energy that makes them capable of suffocating you with their constant insincere wit and dry humor. Right now two girls are literally running around the building (it's an open concept design) floor to floor, in masks and yelling in Italian accents as commedia del arte characters. Funny? Yes, but this is everyday and it can be exhausting. The egos around here are so big they should have to register seperately. They take up enough space. Everytime I try to find space at the end of the couch someone has no problem sitting close enough to touch. You do not own personal space in a drama lounge. Touching strangers is probably part of the art. Someone just said, "we feed off eachother." This is true, they're eating my persoanl space. And yes, I am writing this surrounded still. If only they knew. God help me I love drama and art but people exhaust me. And if I want to work in the field, these are my collegues. I am scared. Maybe i just need to suck it up and stop being such a bitch. But for reals, a girl walked right up to me today, introduced herself, and told me she would remember me for the future. Aw, you cute bright eyed art students, one day you will adopt my cynicism. I'm sorry for that. I get the feeling people think I'm either a snob, bitch, or recluse. It's not the case. I'm just socially awkward with new people until I figure out if they're as crazy as me.

People are starting to leave and my anxiety is decreasing. But I still have an hour and a half before class and no one to talk to. I'm watching music videos without sound cause I forgot my headphones. This is tragic. I wish I had a reading or an assignment or something to make me look busy and unapproachable.

On a positive, productive note I have already decided my topic for directed studies. I might be the only one. It's an obvious choice for me and I'm lucky enough to have a ready made support system for studying drama in ESL. Not to mention a year's experience. Holla. This may be succesful.

I'm practically alone now. Bitches ain't shit. Almost relaxed. I envy people who can sleep in public. I'd be out like a light fo sho.

Oh god, the guy across the room just said he has a rapier. Mental note: don't fuck with that guy. Thats another thing. Drama students are scary because they are slightly crazy and usually own combat weapons for stage. You have been warned.

Back to boredom and more vids. I'm so tired and class is three hours long tonight.

I smell like oatmeal

I have so much energy it's gross, and a little scary. Today was the first day of classes. This girl has class at 8:30 in the morning on Tuesdays and Thursdays, intro to kin. I'm banking on the fact that I took exercise science in high school and the fact that the class has no actual text book that I will make it through unscathed. I already took biology 101 so this can't be much worse right? Plus Bethany, my hetero-wife, is with me so it really can't be so bad. But the thing that sucks is that my next class of the day is atmosphere and climate and that one doesn't start until 7pm. Balls. So I bought that $138 textbook (which is even more balls) and came home. I won't go tonight. Not because I'm lazy, I actually intend on going to most classes. It's just that if they let us early I'll be pissed. I'd much rather do something important like go to work (I've been really putting this off for a few days). I need to get going on planning things for my new position. I was supposed to start last week. I figured I deserved a few days off but I still need to bank some hours. Money is tight when the university makes you her bitch.

On the extremely positive side I have this insane amount of energy right now that inspired me to finally apply for my loan. I am the worst procrastinator ever. Looks like tuition will be paid after all. I'm actually happy I'm not getting as much as I used to. Less debt to pay. Even if it means I get to wear my torn jeans and old t shirts for another year. Screw fancy clothes, the poor student look is chic. But really, so much energy that I wanted to actually do yoga, I considered quitting being a destructive lazy kid. I'm going to get a haircut today and pay attention to what I'm eating because lately I look like a stressed out, well, student. Messy hair, wrinkled clothes, makeup-less face, sunglasses and coffee in hand. I even picked up an add drop form today and bought a notebook. I remembered how much I actually kinda like sitting in a class, especially with Beth. Thank god for her or I'd shoot myself in class for sure. We pass notes like 14 year olds and draw pictures of the profs with speech bubbles. For serious. Maturity is overrated yo. And btw how the fuck did I come to be in fourth year? This is a really unfunny joke and depressing to say the least. Abbee is experiencing a similar funk. She's started her last year of high school. Poor Babs was so sad leaving for school the other day, knowing it was her last first day at Harrow. Quinten took her by the arms, shook her, and said in his best dramatically deep voice, "Make it the best year ever!" My baby brother is wise beyond years lol.

Oh and my soap addiction is growing. I bought Lush lotion, cleanser, 2 more body soaps, and an energy boosting shower bomb. Fuck my addictive personality, I live for smelly soap. And I LOVE smelling like oatmeal, so fuck Chanel.

Much oatmeal-y-smelling-soap love

I am writing graffiti on your body

I'm listening to Ani DiFranco who has amazing music, music-y poetry. Shit that makes you listen, pretty words strung together in puzzles that make sense. Music that makes me want to buy a guitar, develop some dred locks, live under a tree and do nothing but think about pretty things that will never ever generate a steady income. I wish I could write poetry more than I wish I had the ability to fly lol. And that one's a life long daydream. I'm wearing flowy skirts and ditching the makeup as of late. I've developed a love for yoga, tai chi and organic food. Not to mention I just happen to obsess over vegan soap. More for the smell of oatmeal cookies than the actual vegan-ness. I'm not too keen on giving up my red meat right now. But give it a year, who knows... I digress. lol Yeah, the hardcore hippie life won't happen. I love my red lipstick and black heels way too much. Who says you have to be one way or the other? Not I.

Last night was a mess. Busted out the whiskey and decided to drink with family that was down. Mess, mess, mess. Not that I was sick or even really far gone. I had one of those god awful emotional waves that sometimes come when your mental state is slightly off. I think it was a mix of looming school, the end of camp, feeling guilty for lying to people lately (white lies but what's the difference in the end?), and generally feeling lonely. Feeling lonely is a fucking trip for me. I hate that I have the human need to sometimes rely on people and relationships. It's not that I can't be alone, I'm not one of those girls who has to go out every night or latch herself in a string of disastrous relationships to feel validated and full of purpose. But, if I could just be completely independent I truly believe I would be so much better off. Makes me feel weak and reliant and I hate it. The last thing I ever want to be is one of those girls who plan their life around others or just one person. What a nightmare. If I was a totally independent I could then focus completely on school and work and what I want for myself. Maybe that's terrible, to wish away attachment. But, then I wouldn't feel bad about ever leaving anyone or anyplace. It just seems incredibly liberating. Unfortunately that's not the case and I have a tendency to feel guilty for wanting to move away from everyone and for holding grudges against people who would up and leave and not miss me as much as I would miss them. Mostly, I can't help but feel torn between being isolated and finding someone who's life would compliment my own in the most beautiful way without suffocating me completely. Doesn't it feel so good to know that you can do anything and go anywhere without worrying about how it affects someone else? But, doesn't it feel good when someone just wants to hold your hand because it's attached to your arm and no one elses? You can hold my hand but it still belongs to my arm.

I think these are my favourite Ani DiFranco lyrics as of yet:

We could be stuck in traffic for over a week with a car full of quintuplets who are all cutting teeth and around my neck could be a flaming Christmas wreath and I'd be smiling underneath

and also:

tell you the truth i prefer the worst of you

too bad you had to have a better half

she's not really my type

but i think you two are forever

and i hate to say it but

you're perfect together

so fuck you

and your untouchable face

and fuck you

for existing in the first place

and who am i

that i should be vying for your touch

and who am i

i bet you can't even tell me that much

And the moral of the story is I am a fucking emotional girl who wishes she were made of stone. There is something to be said for my desire to be a living statue. Haha, pretentious artists and psychologists would read so much into this and say I already am one.

Scary.