11:11

For about a week I have caught myself looking at the clock at exactly 11:11 every night straight. I'm not being overly dramatic, I just find it funny, humorous, and strange. I honestly laugh to myself every time and wish for the same damn thing because I have nothing to lose. Tonight was the first night I missed it. I looked at the clock at 12:11 instead. Fate is a tease. But so am I, right Mack? lol

Planning for camp is going really well. I figured out the mystery of spread sheets, which is actually incredibly simple and I've gone all organized and professional on myself. Let's just keep our fingers crossed that I can keep it up. I'm getting really comfortable in my position. I thought I was really going to miss the constant interaction with the kids (which I will). I guess my mentality right now is that from behind the scenes I can better control and create the environment and atmosphere of camp. Which means various nonstop overlapping and simultaneous activities. Which also means tons of takedown and set up for me. Oi, for you kids I'll do it. My one and crippling problem as of late is that I cannot spend money, especially other people's. Yes, yes a young girl with a strange spending problem, how cliche of me. But my craft list was a whopping 10 items. Luckily, my support system can spend money like water and we're balancing each other out. I also find it hysterical that my biggest problem right now is choosing between cheap gorilla and squirrel mascot costumes on Ebay. And a month ago I was stressing over school...yeah I pretty much love summer more than peppermint tea. And that says a hell of a lot.

Going through the vault I found something I wrote years ago for creative writing:

If I ever really miss you, I promise I won't call.
I'll just talk to your photos, the burned ones on the wall.
And if you should ever wonder what became of my black heart,
I tore it up in pieces, I collaged, and call it "art"
So, I don't worry about skipping beats and butterflies inside.
Life is infinitely simpler when your emotions have all died.
Let's call the friends and family, plan a funeral parade.
Come mourn the the bitter ending, respects are to be paid.
"How sad," they'll say, "To be so young. Surely it wasn't time,"
"For feeling to have decomposed. What tragedy and crime."
But there I'll be, smiling away, ignoring their foul tears,
Content to live in numbness for the remainder of the years.

Emo much? Yeeesh. I might sell this to Deathcab. I probably ripped off the essence of their songs as inspiration anyways. My rhyming skills are also a marvel lol. Although, I'm kind of fond of the collage line.

"Right now I can be happy if I choose to. I know that in the morning I will lose you."
Now there is a line I can only wish to have written. New Dresden Dolls makes the world a better place. If my cd doesn't come soon this town will burn. Or, just the post office. How I wish I was going to Rothbury to see them and the whole beautiful circus cabaret wonderland. I'd beg them to take me with them and never go home again. What a 21st birthday that would be.... I almost cried about it today. (I AM overdramatic thanks for noticing) So close and yet so far has never rang so true.

If I happen to catch the clock at 11:11 tomorrow we all know what I'll be wishing for. <3


Much love

Stop it

I need you to be happy for me, to say congratulations, to say something other than useless blather. I need to be told that I deserve this, that you were wrong and I'm okay afterall. Because, I feel broken, like you tore me up inside and now I don't matter. I'm so tired, I just want to sleep and I can't.

I hate you. I hate you.

No, forget it.
I can tell myself. I deserve this and so much more. Fuck your assumptions. Fuck my doubts.

This should have been a good night.

Random Weekend

I won 200 dollars last night at the casino. I understand why people develop gambling addictions. You just keep thinking that one more bet will do it, the machine is ready to pay if you're patient enough. I like setting limits, breaking even, knowing ahead of time how much money I am willing to loose. And importantly, remembering where my money is going. It would be different if the money was going towards a good cause. I can't justify throwing away hundreds of dollars to a casino to make the rich richer. That's disgusting. Which makes me think that I need to re-evaluate where the majority of my money goes.

Abbee just ran through the kitchen. Probably drunk? Crying? We'll see. Ohhhhh, maybe a late night older sibling lecture is in order. Lucky thing doesn't know the parentals are in bed.....

(5 minutes later)
Not drunk, possibly and probably slightly buzzed, and wearing a boy's sweater. Oh well, no bad cop Frankee tonight. There's always the pre prom lecture to look forward to.

I went out last night to usual Friday night haunt. I brought my sister for her first pub experience and I think she liked it. My friend berated the guitar player until he played "Piano Man," which he didn't know very well, it was a short version of three verses and probably not in the right order whatsoever. But we sang at the top of our lungs anyways and the whole thing is on tape, soon to be posted for the pleasure of the entire internet community. Many sweet potato fries were eaten, and lots of beer was enjoyed. Overall, it was a great time. Something was bugging me for about a minute but beer and singing can always clear up any worries.

Biggest news of the week: I recieved a really unexpected surprise at work when I found out that I will be the new coordinator of camp. People ask if I'm excited. Scared shitless is more like it. I didn't realize I wanted the job. I hadn't considered getting it because I thought for sure someone else would. I was even told last year that I wasn't coordinator, "material," by a friend. Now that I think about it, I could do it, I still have some things to learn but I havn't been working for two years in the winter season for nothing. I've been working towards something bigger and I didn't realize it was time to move up. It's a huge step as far as my responsibilities go and a lot of extra work. I havn't been in a large leadership position since high school. I've kind of missed being in a in a position that allows me to create something more or less in my own image. I guess it's a fancy way of saying I miss being the boss. I'm so glad I decided not to do intersession so that I can put virtually all my energy into this. I've been so bored lately and planning for camp is something I would be happy to do in any spare time. I have great help too, and a lot of support. I'm just so excited to organize and plan and make changes and I'm being a complete nerd and I don't care! All I really know is that I love camp and now I have the ability to do almost anything I want.

Sidenote:
There's this part in the movie Juno where she has just told her dad she's pregnant and he says, "I thought you were the kind of girl who knew when to say when." And she says, "I don't really know what kind of girl I am." THAT'S my favourite part.
I'm all kinds of messed up girl and I kinda like it.



Have a good long weekend, wherever you are.

Much love

Bitch

Bitch wore my favourite scarf to school today and I wrote the better part of a novel about her??

UGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHG

I take it all back. Only children have it so good. Enjoy the sweet life lonely kids.




W/e. I'm through.

;-)

Happy 17th Baberella (eh eh eh)

I meant to go house hunting and ended up with a tattoo. That is so my life. That is strangely typical. I don't plan these things. Every piercing or slight body modification (even drastic hair colour and cut) has been spur of the moment. I don't think things over, I don't like to doubt myself. It's been this way for so long and I realized it at a pretty young age. Probably in the seventh grade when I cut my hair off. Truth be told it was probably way back in the first grade when my long black hair down my back was clipped to a spikey horrific mess due to head lice. I guess it's a survival thing. I decided a long time ago that there would be no regrets. It's not worth mulling over the small insignificants. Hair grows, piercings close, tattoos can be hidden (if you're lucky). But, they remind of us of who we were in a moment in time. Maybe I'll carry a piece of being twenty with me forever. Yeah, yeah I don't need body ink for that but I need a physical reminder. Like a daily pinch that reminds me, "Hey you fool, slow down, rock out, breathe, and let it go." Anyways the damn thing itches like hell. And no, it didn't hurt. it was a good pain for the most part, annoying as fuck at times though.

I'm thoroughly enjoying my new job babysitting. I like to think of it more as a nanny position. Although, the senile dog club likes to pee all over the floor when I'm alone with them. I cleaned up puppy pee 3 times in an hour today. I'd think it was in spite if they weren't so cute in their poor old age. And there is the small problem of the one child who likes to throw things at me when we play. Usually right in my face. Blocks, puzzle pieces, used tissues....it all goes at Frankee. I can discipline but he's pretty persistent. He's not bad, we're just testing each other still.

Happy 17th Birthday Baberella. It's my little sister's birthday and if I don't write about her she might shank me in my sleep. What can I say about the middle child that is my teenage sister? Well she's incredibly stubborn and terribly aggressive. She's the only four-year-old I've ever known that could take on any elementary school punk, toothless and all. I guess she's pretty smart even though we all know she's riding the coat tails of some pretty exceptional older siblings. All lies. She does it on her own I guess. Most of my teachers are gone now anyways. ;-) She's tough, she bounces back and she knows how to stick up for herself. I envy her ability to put her head ahead of her heart which I need to practice still. She's probably one of the only people in the world I can be completely myself around (the others being siblings and "lucky" friends) she understands my weird sense of humor, and I hers. She lets me gush on about things that she has no interest in whatsoever if only to stand and pretend to listen because she knows no one else will. When we're happy and feeling like bunnies on E we jump around the kitchen to Meatloaf and Billy Joel blarring away for the entire neighborhood to despise. She's one of two people I would let see myself loose control like that. (The other being another sister who deserves her own paragraph in her own time). We have photo shoots from time to time doing ridiculousness like squirrel hunting and hiding in giant BC trees. If you have a particular favourite small child keep them away from her. She will surely win them over in a matter of time. They will forget you even exist and simply talk about how special she is to you or just to themselves. I have seen this. So now you must know how wonderful she is because we all know that children are the most honest creatures in the world. Their purity makes them incapable of lies. Unlike boys and telemarketers. Happy Birthday Gaja Face. You're like the cheese to my macaroni, if I even really liked mac and cheese. It's hypothetical w/e. I like you a lot, you know, if "like" meant crazy-mad-love.

F bomb out


Much "like"

I'm tired

It's warm outside. This means I can sit outside on my porch at night and drink tea and the whole street is asleep and no one is the wiser. I walked across my front lawn and all the house lights were out. Nothing but me and quiet and stars. A spider sat beside me and didn't move and everything stood still for five whole minutes. Joy to the world, summer's here.

Last night was awful. I meant to go out, I should have gone out, if only to get dressed up and leave. But when I got home from work everyone was gone already. I hear they think I'm anti-social. It's not true, I can be social when I want to. I don't like to be with people who will talk about me when I'm not around. I'm different than you, accept it and move on. I'm not better than you, I'm different. I won't defend it, not anymore. Sidenote: Please don't put down what I like or do, not to my face. I absolutely hate being cut down for things that make me happy. It's not hurting you. I get it enough, back off.

Tomorrow I house hunt. Time for a new home to be a recluse in. One with a porch preferably.

Much love

Friday morning

It's Friday morning. I'm in my Black Sabbath t-shirt and pjs drinking a monster sized tea and dancing to Metric in the kitchen. It's pouring rain outside and my nasty cold is almost gone. I got As in all my classes.

I can hear thunder outside.

HHHOOOOOOLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

I want to remember this moment.




MUCH love

Carpe the shit out of that diem

Wednesday I had my first full day of babysitting. There is something about this place that I like very much. The kids are great, mostly well behaved. The oldest can be a handful. I get the feeling he's testing me out, seeing what he can get away with. It would be easier to discipline if I didn't think mom or dad could hear me in the next room. The little guy has a tendency to say, "Die, die, why won't you die?" Which I guess he picked up from Madagascar. He likes to wrestle and has a tendency to throw a little punch at me when no one's looking. I give him a stern look and tell him that's not nice and he tries to get away with a cute smile. lol Nice try buddy, that does not work with me. When I was 16 I once babysat a little boy who would literally beat me with closed fists until I was bruised. he had the other kids sit on me and pin me down while he let me have it. That job didn't last long thank god. I'm going to bring him to play with my brother for some quality boy ime since I'm not versed in the playing strategies of males. He also has a tendency to call me Amanda or Frankee Amanda which I don't mind so much. It's cute. They have 4 dogs and while the boys nap in the afternoon I get to check my e mail, nap or read from the extensive library that includes many Chuck Palahniuk titles. All of which I've been meaning to read. Not to mention there are seasons of The Office, Curb Your Enthusiasm and Arressted Development for me to watch if I choose. It's my kind of place already. They feed me oatmeal with raisins, grilled cheese sandwiches and tea. I think I'll stay. I don't know what it is about this place but it seems familiar. It could be the slight chaos of a lived-in house or the constant thumping of kids running up and down the hallway but I like it, and I hope they like me too. Unfortunately, I was coming down with a nasty head cold all day. I called in sick to work after leaving and went to bed for 7 hours. Bad idea. I was up that night from 11 30 till almost 4 am.

So now I'm recovering on a strict diet of tea, orange juice, Nyquil, Cold FX, advil and allergy medicine. I think I had well over 10 pills today. I scare myself with my pill cocktails sometimes. But I feel very little right now and it's a nice numbness.

I watched Grey's Anatomy tonight. I have the strangest love/hate relationship with that show. I love the characters and the their relationships and the stupid sappy voice overs that tie them all together in the end. It makes me wish I was dead and breaks my cold black heart. Someone on that show is always crying, or heartbroken or my personal favourite--putting on a front when they are practically dying inside. There is a strange mix of happy and sad that keeps you coming back for more. Someone dies, someone lives, someone makes up, another breaks up. All in one hour. And then for the rest of the night I go emo. I can relate almost all the characters to people in my life and the love/hate relationship I carry for them too. We're all seeking approval, putting on a front to protect ourselves from hurt, avoiding the one person we shouldn't, trying to fit in, and hiding behind our work. It makes me think I am way too cynical for my own good. Life is short. Carpe the shit out of that diem.

Cold medicine makes me loopy and emo. I'm thinking too much now. I'm going to bed.


......find someone who makes you happy and squeeze tight.



Much love