This is where I am

Hello universe. December ninth has just begun and the snow is falling in sheets outside my window. It's dark but the sky is pink from the city lights trapped under the clouds.

Here I am sitting in my yellow bedroom, my own personal "heroin den." My bed is made up of two quilts made from scraps circa 1950-something and two comforters that weigh my body down at night. The more blankets, the better I sleep. I think the pressure relaxes me. I am drinking cold peppermint tea and my book of Canadian poetry is begging me to read it, ashamed that I ignored it all day with an exam on Sunday. Hanging from the ceiling are my dried roses, and a lush red one painted by Dali is just to the right. The Beatles, dancing girls, eight foot brides, Matt and Kim's bloody hands, Amanda Palmer's corpse, a sexy mime and my Nana on her wedding day are part of this gallery I have created. My half bottle of whiskey is teasing me across the room and directly beside it, a picture of my kids reminds me I have to get up before the sun to see them in the morning. But right now, I love this space. It reminds me that my coming of age is finished, thank god. This is me. Butterflies, pencil sketches, a Curious George pillow and a comforter of great pink elephants. I wish I could show you the gargoyle candle holder I made in the twelfth grade and the picture of my sister and I with the Easter bunny when we were four and three.

I love this room. Sometimes it's for me, sometimes it's for more, but not tonight. Tonight it's all for me.

The snow is turning into rain and my tea is gone. Bed time kids.

Love.

I just wanted to tell you...

I want to write but I don't know what to say. I want to talk about money and the future and dreams but I feel like that's all I ever talk about. These three things are tied together and one cannot live without the other. This triangle makes me sadder than I can ever say.

I want to talk to someone about how Christmas annoys me, how I wish people behaved the way they do in December all year long but I feel as though it would be a rant and I don't want to go to an angry place. I love Christmas, I love giving presents but I dread January when the world forgets that it's really all in love.

I want to tell you how deeply I believe in love and how rare I think it is. I want to tell you how much I hate it and how I'll be fine if I'm on my own for the rest of my life. I am all I need and the freedom that comes with this is an exciting alternative. The real truth is that I'm far too young to worry about such things. The real truth is that it's nice to be wanted. The real truth is a tiny silly and stupid part of me wants to be okay with being totally independent and thinks I should start prepping now. Just in case.

I want to tell you that I have no money, that I decided not to take a loan out this semester and today I paid off the rest of it on my own, with no help. I am happier than I was when I had more money than I needed for bills and a new dress. I want to tell you how grown up I feel today. I am dead broke poor and totally content with myself.

I'm going to share something my friend shared with me. "Hell is other people." This is true, but today I have decided that heaven is too.

Things are good here in limbo where we work to get by. I officially registered for my last three university classes today. Graduation in April. And then all the adventure I can or can't handle. Finally.

Much love

Waking up happy

I woke up yesterday and the first thing I thought of was. "I have nothing to be upset about. Nothing to dread, nothing to be angry about, nothing to be afraid of." That is a fantastic kind of happy. I suggest everyone wake up like this as often as possible. On the other hand though, I do not want to wake up this way everyday. Too much satisfaction will only bore you. Freddie Mercury actually once sang that too much love will kill you, just as sure as none at all.

I love being in three classes. I love not having to get up super early everyday. I love working desk shifts at night and having my weekend nights free. I love getting up early only on Wednesdays to see my favourite kids and I love having two houses to rely on for very different reasons.

But like Freddie says, it cannot last and of course it shouldn't. Come January, my favourite children are moving away for a year, I might have to start job hunting, and of course snow will be here sans the Christmas anticipation. When you're a student you're life seems to revolve around your school schedule and every comfortable cycle is broken every three months. It's frustrating and refreshing all at the same time. It's nice to be able to rely on change. I suppose it's better than the kind of unexpected change that throws you off guard.

I guess I just hope there is at least one single morning in January where I can wake up and feel like I did yesterday, that's all.

Also, HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY LISA MARIE MACKINNON. I would not have made it through the crazy last three years of my life without you. They have been the most insane so far, probably for both of us, and I honestly cannot imagine what it would have been like without you to go insane with.

Much love

I won scrabble tonight ;)

Sometimes, especially late at night, I wish God could talk back.

I have a lot of questions.

Tonight my fortune cookie said, "You project the kind of confidence that strengthens others." I've been told I'm a confident girl. I do, wear, go and say as I please not to suit anyone but myself.
But is it confidence or armor? I believe it's confidence but can't help wondering if it's partially created to keep everything at arm's length. Is that what strength is though? Does it mean you keep your distance from the beginning or does it mean you recover quickly after the fall? Probably both.

I think it's best to stop here and sleep. Nothing more can be done for today, best to move onto tomorrow.

P.S. I won Scrabble tonight :)

Goodnight Lisa, I hope you don't have a hangover tomorrow.

Where the Wild Things Aren't

On Wednesdays when I babysit I usually suggest story time to the kids. Our personal favourites include The Hound From The Pound, Meecat Mail and Curious George in the Big City. Recently, I beg them to let me read Where The Wild Things Are. The words are so simple, and the text is short and direct but somehow the words play to your heart. "Please don't go, we'll eat you up, we love you so." This was my favourite part growing up. I always giggled, thinking how silly they were to want to eat up that which you love the best. Now I know it's love so fast and deep that it can be violent and careless.

I bought the wild thing soundtrack for the upcoming movie. It features one of my very favourite female musicians, Karen O. The choir of children that accompany her create the essence of childhood built upon the bones of play and laughter. Wednesday night I was driving home from Harrow back to my Windsor home. I was listening to the cd and thinking about my day and wild things and very suddenly I started to laugh. I couldn't help but realize how much my day had paralleled the book. Earlier I told a friend that I would love to sail away on an imaginary island and dance and play all the time to which they answered, "You have, you do." It's true, I had spent the day with my own little monsters who were wild to say the least. I have the baby induced neck scratches to prove it. Even in Windsor home I have the freedom of a wild thing, to do and go as I please.

What was even funnier to me was how I spent the evening. At the end of the book Max smells good things to eat and sails away home where someone loves him best and his dinner is waiting, still hot. After I babysat I decided to go home. Even though I'm 22 years old dinner was waiting. What I love best about the book is the simple act of dinner waiting, "still hot." It's so subtle. Max isn't met by dramatics and tears and hugs to make us all feel that our own home life in inadequate. It's so much like my house too! It's not one of those homes that overwhelms you with spoiling hugs and kisses. You are responsible for you and we tend to have the occasional healthy disagreement. It's lucky just to have a place to go to so easily. I know it's rare and after being away the last few weeks I appreciate the subtlety. I love having two homes. One I can escape to in the city where I'm free to run wild and small town Harrow home where life is surely less than wild. It's sleepy and reminds me of sweaters and orange leaves. This weekend we're going on our traditional last fall walk and pumpkin shopping spree. ;)

For Halloween I want a Max wolf suit to wear. If I could find one, I promise you I would wear it rather than the skanky tights and corset.

I love the fall.

On solid ground

I moved. I packed up my things and took up with a friend on an offer to live with him in quiet, southern part of the city where war veterans settled in the 50's. It's so very Leave it to Beaver here. You half expect to see women in aprons and red lipstick vacuuming in heels through neighbors windows. People wave and there are lots of trees and its simple. It's comfortable. But there are no children. There are few. It's where the original version of suburbia went to retire. Our house is tiny and reminds me of the little house sets we had when we were very young. One set of dishes, a few groceries in the pretend fridge, a picture I drew on the wall and one table for two. I'm playing house and my pretend husband would rather be on a date with a handsome young man. I might need to stop relating everything in my life to a game I once played when I was five or I might really need to see a shrink soon.

School has started and I'm enjoying how it occupies my time. It makes me busy, it takes my mind off one million other things. It gives me purpose even when I am stressed. I feel responsible for something and obligated to something that has the feeling of importance that you don't actually care to define. It is what it is if only out of necessity for many future years. I've convinced myself that school needs me when it is actually the other way around. (Not unlike most other things). Class validates me and I am happy to feel like I have a steady footing for the time being.

Everything just feels so serious! Maybe it's the cold weather. Maybe it's because I'm working two jobs and all I can think about is saving money and it's making me practical. PRACTICAL! Of all the things I loathe, practicality has always been high on the ridiculous list. I eat breakfast, I cut on the vices, I go to bed before midnight and I dress according to the weather. But then again I did get the rib tattoo a few weeks ago. All is not lost.

The solution to this week's headache is really quite simple. I will keep eating granola and whole wheat muffins for breakfast, I will make four out of my eight coffees a day decaf, I will only smoke on weekends and I will go to every concert possible. But above all I will sleep in when I can and stay up even later the next night. I think I'm balancing. I'm walking the tightrope in a feathered fedora and sequence black tutu.

Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative. - Oscar Wilde

Note to self: Go an visit your sister(s). Babs is gone away and everything feels empty without her around. In a sense and way, she is one half of one of my selves. And important self that I miss too. Everything seems slightly grey-er without her. Everytime someone goes away I feel like torn paper. I rip off a chunk and let them keep it, or maybe they take it. Anyways, she has the part of the story that involves dancing in the kitchen to meatloaf :)

And in closing, in case you were wondering, after all is said and done for, I still believe in love. (After a 3 month hiatus, it's necessary to say it).

Goodnight, and get here fast.

Card Tricks

I read my tarot cards last night for fun. Not so fun after all. The rules are that you ask a yes or no question and then lay out seven cards. I wouldn't invest much if the answer weren't so specific. Long story short, all that came up was heartbreak, my disregard for the truth, history repeating itself and the request that I face reality. All right before I go on the first vacation in over a year. Are. you. kidding. me? So what did I decide to do about? Nothing. I'm happy. I'm happy even if I'm being ignorant and in some kind of bliss. Ironically enough I am aware of my inhability to face reality and consciously still choose to do it. Overall things are going well and this week a big life revelation would really throw off my balance. I need everything to be zen until I come home from Chicago. After that fabulous weekend of drinking, music and getting lost in a new city I can shake up my world as much as my little artistically suppressed heart desires.

I cut my hair. It's kind of like a mohawk. I like it. I like not having much hair more. I don't care much what it looks like. As long as it's black and easy to do I'm down.

As far as the rest of my increasingly smaller universe all is well at work, I am still crushing on Robert Smith, I won my first game of scrabble and I desperately want to go camping before the summer is out. I have this unreal dream that I will go somewhere and drink lots of beer and sleep in a tent and remain covered in dirt and comfy clothes and bug spray for a couple days. I want to smell like campfire and sunscreen and eat marshmellow sandwiches for breakfast. And stars. Mostly I just want lots and lots of stars.

Lisa says there are people who have trouble connecting with people and adapting to life on earth because they are angels and don't know it and have Bette Midler eyes. She thinks I might be one. I don't know about being an angel. I doubt my own admittance to heaven from now and then. I think if there are angels they are sadly out of place and restless in a place where people are more worried about what store name is printed across their shirt than making the everyday world an exciting and beautiful place full of colour and love. I want to paint my house purple. I want to have a house full of rusty antiques, christmas lights, victrolas, books and stained glass windows. I want a garden of weeds and a chandelier of broken glass and beads. I want people to stop and listen to the music they hear from inside. It will be the house of flowers, both dead and alive.

Time for bed. I have children to see in the morning.

Here's to your dream house or castle or cloud.

<3

Soon

You're pathetic for calling me a lazy bitch when I have two jobs and you don't have one. Well you have one but you never, ever go. That's even worse.
You're a hypocrite for calling me a slob when you leave dinner and food all the over the kitchen...overnight.
You're a fool for telling me that I do nothing for the family when I'm constanlty running errands, buying groceries, making trips so you can have a freezie whenever you please.
You're just plain lazy for telling me that I spend most of my time on the computer when 90% of the time I come home from school or work to find you sleeping or watching tv. 10% of the time you're just upstairs smoking in your bathroom.
Yes my room is cluttered. I like it that way. No, I don't have any storage and it's not gross, it's just clean clothes in piles.
Thank you for telling me I can move out whenever and that you won't miss me.
It makes it that much easier to leave.

Soul searching

Abbee asked me to write something for her history homework. Since this is currently where I save written things I am going to save it here for now. Not sure if I like it. It's a first draft but I think there's something there. Inspired by my present zombie obsession and the fact that I found my grade 12 creative writing portfolio.

My nostrils are aflame with the smell of blood soaked smoke and I choke back the airborne gun powder that clings to my dry throat. I know this is hell because we pray for death. When I’m sleeping, when I think I’m sleeping, I see the dead crawl. They reach and moan and clutch at my boots as I openly cry. But, I am paralyzed. My punishment is that I must stand firm, unable to close my eyes or make a single primal noise from the guttural depths of my instincts. I must stand and face what I have created, I am a witness to the horror of our chaos, I must pay my final respects the world I have set on fire. They promised me glory but all they could offer was dirt. Glorified and adorned in the blood of my peers I stand and regret, I remorse, I beg to the God I am no longer sure of. I ask for forgiveness but realize the ridiculousness of my request. What forgiveness could ever give me back the sanity of a goodnight’s sleep?

A ring around the roses

Here goes nothing.

I'm afraid that I'm losing some of my close friends. I've had this group of friends since high school and I feel more and more like we're drifting apart. We used to have fun just hanging out and talking, going for drives, watching movies but I'm having trouble connecting lately. When we go out, I'm not really interested in where they want to go. This is really difficult to put into words because I love them. Sometimes I feel like they try to force me to do what they want. I guess I just wish they were a little more considerate. Just the other day they called a cab and left me and another girl to pay for it. There was a group of at least six people that went out that night and three of us paid for cabs. In high school I wasn't extremely close with many girls, I wasn't really part of the clique, although it seemed that way I'm sure. I had very little in common with any of the girls I grew up with. They were all gorgeous, athletic blonde girls who dated whoever they wanted. So, when I felt like the girls didn't understand me I thought boys might. There were boys who were funny, who had a similar senses of humor, liked art and music and didn't care for sports. More importantly these boys weren't interested in using me like a select few did in ways I wasn't ready for. Boys who liked girls couldn't be trusted because every single one I had tried to befriend weren't interested in being my friend unless they wanted something else in return, which usually led to a shaky self esteem and a cold mistrust of most men in general.

I think it happens every few years. People shift a little, change, regroup. I'm starting to feel like this group I'm separating from are nice when they want something and our interests are drifting once again. The friends I find myself really enjoying are funny, interested in music, books, art, like travelling, are hard working, and really fair. The people I find myself wanting to spend time with are people that posess some quality I am inspired by. Either their heart, their ambition, their strength or their generosity draws me to them daily. Sadly, these friends I am losing touch with aren't displaying many of these qualities. I know they love me but more often than not I feel ever so slightly dissappointed in their harsh words and outlooks. So often they put their personal agendas ahead of, and sometimes at the expense of other people in our group. I guess it just boils down to negative energy. Again, this is hard to put into words because my feelings are so conflicted.

I suppose I don't need to worry too much about it since I feel that my life is going to change drastically in the next year. I'm on the verge of graduating and becoming a real adult outside the comfort of the home I have known for 22 years. I think the people that I need and value will stay by, that's how I will know who belongs in my life. If things go on and they're still around then I'll know. For better or worse I'll know something.

I will close this by adding one random thought. Lately someone said something along the lines of how I should forward to falling in love, that it's the greatest thing in the world, blah blah blah. Oh-kay. Listen here. I'll say it again. You don't wait around to fall in love. You make that shit happen. Everyday I find something to fall in love with a little. Something new, something old. Songs, babies, people, art, flowers, my left leg, anything I normally take for granted. So eff you people who say I'm not living because I'm not in love, because no one is on love with me. You say you have one great love, well I fall in love over and over again every single fucking day.

I love you so much.
Always yours,
Francesca

The only girl I've ever loved

This one goes out to Lisa for being bored and needing something a little pointless to make class go by a little faster on these beautiful pre-summer teaser days. Pre-summer teaser days are the ones that come and go and change from one morning to the very next. You wake up and its sunny and 85 in the shade and the next day its drizzly and 45 for the next three days in a row. Such is the flirty and bitchy spring fling mother nature submits us to after winter hell. Like every smart woman I know, she's a tease.

If you are wondering, dear Mack, why I have not written anything for you and me and the universe in the last month it is because I have been preoccupied with going outside instead of just sitting at the computer for 10 hours a day. A few weeks ago when I could wear t shirts outside I suddenly remembered that I had a body and it liked being outside and moving a bit. Weird. Slowly, I became a human being again rather than a zombie at my computer. It's not that my social calendar is growing but I'm becoming a citizen of the outdoors again. It's so very corny of me but I see simple things like leaves on trees and magnolia flowers and I feel very small and in a way it's a nice feeling. It makes everything that felt so very important a month ago during exams not so important anymore. It reminds me that I take simple things for granted and that maybe someone or something made all those beautoful things because they are just too beautiful to be coincidences. I write about this every spring, see archives of last May. But, this year I am convinced that I cannot live in a place where there is winter for five months. i don't like who I am in the winter and I cannot spend half my life with a person I do not like.

Go listen to In The Areoplane Over The Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel. The whole thing from start to finish and then tell eveyrone else to. They will thank you and be better for it.

http://skary.net/ Go here and laugh at the little children who are so creepy it's adorable. I know as well as anyone just how scary children really are.

This reminds me of an adorable and equally histerical story about adventures in babysitting this week. I walked into a living room the other day to fond two little boys happily pretending to breast feed two dolls. And then they demanded I take off my shirt and feed my own dora the explorer baby they set out just for me. They were not happy when I declined. Tears. I had tears. Gotta love those boys. They have convinced me if I have my own little army of scary kids they should all be sons, sons with black hair and honest minds with honest mouths.

This reminds me that summer is coming along with hundreds of children I've missed and new ones that I'm bound to miss eventually. Camp is proving to be less stressful the second time around and I'm excited that the staff is looking so much better than last year. The themes and field trips are looking fabulous and I can't wait to live like an over worked caffienne addict five days a week. And I even booked my first real vacation that lasts longer than two days. August brings Chicago and Lollapalooza! I can't think about too long or my head starts to spin.

But now, sexy Lisa, I have to sleep. I have to sleep because I'm nervous and tired and strung out on coffee and mostly nervous.

Happy Sexy Spring Fling
Cheers dolls.

April is for lovers

Today was kinda awesome. I worked for most of the day but I am in love with my job sometimes. Two days out of school and I'm already planning camp. Not only planning camp, but promoting, and deciding on field trips and getting ready for interviews so I can survey new staff. That in itself is exciting because last years staff was painful at best. And I can focus all on work which is the way I love spending my April, truly. And tomorrow I might have date with my friend who is going away. And (that's "and" number three if you're keeping track) I drank beer allllll afternoon with my friends, sitting around in summer temperatures. Three days out of school and it's kind of perfect. I just hope this is the way it is allll summer long. Not to mention I watched Coachella online.

The only thing that could have made things better would be to actually be at Coachella right now, sleeping a tent and loving my little hippie life but that is a tall order so I will take my sunshine and beer and extra work hours and be thankful.

Oh and a warning: Listen to Turbonegro and your ears will bleed. I guarantee it.

Maybe I'm still a little drunk. And (number 4) maybe that's just a little perfect too.

Love alllllll around
<3

I sogged though a fog and a choking smog...

I have a confession. I didn't really get stressed out this exam season. I didn't really care. I let it pass. There was no way in hell I was going to let it really get to me. The past four years I have freaked out everytime exams came around, lost sleep, gotten sick, shed tears. All for nothing. I always ended up getting good grades but it seems that can just happen without the overwhelming debacle that is the dreaded end of semester. I suppose I just realized that I will really miss school one day. It was a few weeks ago at my roast, drinking with my classmates (something that rarely ever happens) and I became very aware of how this chapter was slowly coming to a close and soon some of these people would be teachers. My whole life I have been a student. I know no other life other than that within a school. Sure, I have my job but school has always been the driving force behind all my important choices. Maybe it's part of the reason I'm dragging my heels. Grades are my bag. I'm not perfect but most of my jollies come in the form of As. I get off on feedback and As circled in bright red. Oh, baby, oh baby.

I got all my grades back for my directed studies. It's a project I have been working on since September. I got all As. Splooge all over. Honeslty, my professor rocks. Due dates are flexible and if you can justify that you learned ANYTHING you get an A. Because really, that's what's important. Anyone can learn what a prof wants them to learn. This fucking class makes you go out there into the world and learn something important for yourself that is relevant to YOU. Which is refreshing considering all people do all their educational lives is bitch about how nothing in the curriculumn is relevant at all. So yes, score one for drama school motherfuckers.

One last thing. Today was a personal win. I had a very small but relevant moment of triumph. The last two days I have spent hours rehearsing for a 15 minute musical presentation for my theatre for young audiences class. I sang 4 songs in 15 minutes and the last one was probably one of the hardest songs I have ever performed. It takes an incredible amount of acting, humor, memorization, stamina, lung capacity and awareness. Everytime I rehearsed I would mess up this section of the song that is sung very quickly, "I sogged through a fog and a choking smog down a sloggy slope through a stinking bog while my slip was gripped by a vicous dog." (its dr. seuss) And fuck yeah I pulled it off today and it was fun and I slayed it. The minute before I stepped onstage I decided to throw every caution to the wind and have a blast. I knew the audience, I was comfortable and relaxed and it was like this one perfect moment. I want to hold onto that one for a while. I have done some really cool shit this semester. I played a pill head in a game board, I devised a piece around the Dresden Dolls and got 94%, I built a dinosaur puppet, I had placement with two amazing groups of ESL students, I took a dance class and inerviewed seniors and performed the lead in our musical exam. So fuck yeah I did a lot and now I deserve one hell of a vacation. That's right, I do.

Random worthwile sidenote: Last night I had a dream one of my best friends was a zombie bunny living in the attic of a haunted house. He changed into my friend again and we just laughed and talked about realistic things like he never had been a rabbit at all. It was weird but I love zombies and bunnies, haunted houses and it really made me laugh.

Goodnight kids.
I am so full of love it's making me sick
<3

Happy One Year

April 15th this damn thing turns one year old. Didn't think I'd write for a month to be honest. Thought I'd be the only one the read the thing and sure as hell didn't count on it being something I would need from time to time.

I'm not a writer. I've never claimed to be, but I always wanted to be. It was once my ideal career path along with paleontologist, chemist, olympic athlete and archeologist. Apparently I like to dig things up. Just for perspective's sake it's worth mentioning I'm a drama student. It makes sense though, in a way I get to be whatever I want to be. Anyways, I always wanted to be able to write poetry so I practice throwing words around here from time to time.

It's just for fun, it's therapy. I can say things I would never say to anyone and there's a select few who get to read it if they so choose and I don't mind that.

Sidenote: Sexy thing on tv is talking about fantasy home structures. He built a hobbit tree house and I'm a little in love with him. He wants to build tree house bed and breakfasts in BC in the woods. Holy shit, I love you, have my babies, you're adorable.

I digress. I'm tired, I just wrote 7 pages for a final exam I forgot I had. Happy Easter to me lol. I don't mind. It's just a reflection and it's worth hardly anything.

In other news be careful what you wish for. It might multiply by 3. That's ambiguous enough for you I think. But I will say that I'm having trouble making up my mind because each one is special in their own way :)

Thank god for spring and for nice weather. One year later and I'm still on the porch drinking my tea and hoping that a thunderstorm is on the way after a sunny, lazy day.

Love all around
<3

I see a little silhouette-a of a man

Last night I was roasted by third and second year students. It was kind of amazing. I thought they were going to really rip into me but thankfully they just teased me for being tattooed and pierced, draped in black and for having a fictional relationship with a girlfriend. Everyone was hammered and 40 of us screamed Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of our lungs, a capella. Disaster comes to mind when I watch the video re play. We're lucky though, few people graduate in such a way with their class and younger peers. It's a hysterical and nostalgic way to pick out the best moments during four years of storm and stress. Everyone in my class got into teachers college which is also really and truly amazing and I'm genuinely happy for all of them because I know how hard everyone in that fucking class works. Literally, dreds are like machines and teachers on missions to legit change the world. And no matter what or how close we are personally, in that way we are all connected. I will miss sitting on rubber mats with you kids every time I enter a lecture hall and remember how nice it was to lay on my stomach through an hour and half class without shoes on.

Am I sad that I'm not actually graduating and I can't celebrate my own acceptance and life change? Yes and no. I'd like to be able to come full cirlce with everyone I started with but it wouldn't be right for me at this point in my own life. Just not ready to commit I guess. I've been thinking about that a lot lately and I think it's a bravery thing, or maybe a grown up thing. Hopefully, it happens naturally because I can't imagine sitting myself down and trying to convince myself that it's time to be a grown up with the rest of the world, whatever that means. I have a feeling that next year is going to be really fucking hard to deal with but maybe necessary too.

On a sidenote I went to the lake tonight to watch the lightning and a cop ruined the moment by investigating my suspicious parked car under a streetlight. Lame.

I love you, goodnight.

<3

Here comes a cold

Saturday was spent emptying my insides of all foreign things. Food was no longer recognizable and rejcted in a painful way while shaking on the floor. My body was so sick of me abusing it that it just went comatose. I slept over 12 hours. And now, I can feel a cold coming on. I havn't been sick in almost a year and now for the first time in god knows when I let myself get worn down to the point where my body can't defend itself as usual.
But it's business as usual. School today, work tonight, assignements due tomorrow. Assignments that my computer destroyed and that I have to completely re-do. I should be freaking out but this is just the way it goes. That's life.

I came to the realization that I'm working my ass off to pay to do a mediocre job in school right now. That's a bullshit cycle that can't be helped. I will be so happy when this bullshit is over and I can go anywhere else and worry about new things. There I will worry about new things, while seeing new things and hopefully find a better balance.

Black and blue

Somehow I'm standing. I think it's Wednesday but it feels like Monday. Literally, I am living at work. Sunday I worked from 9 am until 7 pm Monday. I've been living off coffee so much that my body doesn't know what to do with solid food and it's making me sick. It sounds crazy but crazier still, I love it. Beautiful children greet me in the morning, they say I love you and hug you and don't care if you didn't shower in the morning. I love it, I love it, I love it. My body is so sore that it hurts to sit, walk and stand up. Last night was St. Patrick's Day celebrations and it was very much needed. I've said it before but there is this perfect state of drunk where you are not sick, just happy and light and loving life despite the fact you know tomorrow comes crashing at 6 am. And what I have to show are the black and blue marks all over my back, shoulders, arms and chest. It's a good kind of sore. Everytime I accidentally touch one I am reminded that it's nice to be 21 and whatever else I want. 21 and a little reckless. 21 and somewhere between caring a lot and not giving a fuck about anything. I'm sitting in class right now but I feel deaf. Listening and hearing is taking 100% more effort than usual. All I can think about is how I'd rather be at camp and tomorrow can't come soon enough so I can spend the whole day just playing. 21 and playing like I'm 6.


My name is Frankee. I'm six years old and my favourite animal is the great pink elephant.

We choose, and that makes us lucky.

Do not listen to people when they tell you your friends are wrong for you. When all is said and done you are the only one who gets to choose who you spend time with, share with and laugh with. At this age you are old enough to deal with the consequences of your actions. Do what gets you through the day, week and year. Spend time with those you can talk to for hours and those you can be around for hours and not use words at all. Just remember that karma is a real bitch, respect yourself and know that you deserve the same from others. Don't ever put labels on your love or think for a second that you need to fufill some social guideline for friendship that other people follow like game rules. It doesn't matter how often you speak or how long, who opens the door, or whether or not you split the bill. Just always remember that you are the only one you have to spend the rest of your life with so make sure that person is happy first and foremost. You know you have met true life loves when spending time with those people makes you feel more like yourself than the times you are alone. Sadly, others won't understand or approve of everything you do and that's okay. They're looking out for you, they're protecting you and the truth is, you should listen and consider what they say. You shouldn't be clouded by your own assumptions and feelings, you should be aware of how your friends treat others as well. But in the end, the choice is yours. You keep you safe. You keep you happy. You spend that love.

I loves my friends. I am so in love with friends.

The other day someone told me that friends are the family we choose.

Someone today asked me where I would I go on vacation if I had the choice. The truth is that anywhere would be a wonderful adventure as long as the right person or people came along.

This storm is what we call progress

Today I worked for 12 hours. When I came home from leading four birthday parties and serving at least ten pizzas, I planned on doing homework. I don't want to go through the list of midterms, assignments, and puppets (don't ask) that are due this upcoming week. Maybe someone will take my desk shift Monday night. I doubt it. I have staff training all day tomorrow which I've secretly been looking forward to. I'm rambling. There is no formula to these sentences, no order. And now, now I am watching the corniest Hugh Grant love movie ever and I might be half asleep. Sleep typing. Sleep singing. Anyways, I planned on doing homework and I failed. I thought of some ideas. I'll build on them tomorrow.

On top of this week of school hell I feel incredibly guilty. I found out that I don't even have time to pursue other options and roads in my personal time. I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up hurting someone's feelings and I'm avoiding it. The sucky thing is, the longer I wait the worse the feelings get hurt but I jut can't do it now. I'm terrible. He deserves some cute,hipster, bubbly thing that has time for a 20 minute phone call. He deserves someone who is really into him and that's not me right now.

God my head hurts.

My mom said I could move to Australia. Well, she supports it. I think they're going to help me go, grandparents too. Lately, it's like everyone just knows that I can't stay here anymore and that it's really important that I go away. Or maybe they just want me gone like my sister says.

Sleep typing. Sleep talking.

"This storm is what we call progress." - George Bernard Shaw
This quote has effectively changed my perspective.

I love you. Goodnight.

Two face

There are two sides of me right now. I feel a little like I'm pulled in two very different directions. If I follow one direction I stay in the same place, a limbo. There is possibility of change in this place but it's unlikely. It's a place I could stay for years, a place I've been in for years without movement. Like a line dance, back and forth, you move around side to side but always stop and start in the same exact place. In that place I have nothing to loose but nothing to gain. And that part has been made clear to me, explictiy, it is not as assumption. But there on the other side is something new, something growing on me. I'm hestitant and cautious to go there. It's scary and new and I'm not sure of myself. I don't want to loose myself. I'm more afraid of things going well than bad. If things go well nothing can last because I don't intend to stay here. Dead end. If I'm attatched I lose. Nothing can come from anything, doomed from the start. But now, right now it feels pretty good. For now I'm just going to do what feels good now and fuck whatever happens. Worst thing that can happen, I face plant again. I kinda feel like taking a risk. Wouldn't it be nice to split yourself in half, take both roads, see what happens, maybe eventually choose just one or always keep both.

Maybe I'm selfish. It's nice to be wanted. And god he's pretty. And nice. What is that?

Stupid universe.

Stupid universe. Thanks a whole lot for granting me my wish. (*eyeroll*) Yeah, you really did me a HUGE favour by sending me a seemingly sweet, blonde, available, chemist who plans on going to Ghana to work with children for a month. You reallllly did it this time. Thanks for sending me a well kept number who actually called and wants to call again. When I said all I needed was to meet someone better...I thought I meant it. Didn't you know better? Ugh. I hate you.

Don't you know anything? Never EVER give me what I want! Because now I don't know what I want and that's really fucked up. And why are you giving me what I want now, you sure havn't done it before, and I was comfortable with that. Even though I'm pretty sure it's nothing it's driving me crazy and I'm already planning on how horrible it will be to break things off with what seems to be a sweet, smart and cute one. I know I would regret it too. And how fucked up is it that you did this on VALENTINES DAY? Oh you really should give yourself a cookie.

Getting what you want means you have to follow through on your word. On my word. It means now that I have to decide if I'm ready to invest more than just time in a person I don't really know that well. Well. I always said this would be good, this is what I wanted and now you're basically forcing me to face facts. Am I ready to totally give up? I thought I had. I thought I had for a very long time.

I hate meeting people in bars. It's the least ideal situation I can possibly imagine. But he wasn't drunk, neither was I and we had legit conversation. I actually gave out a real number this time. I don't know why! I never do! I didn't expect a phone call but there it was, in a bathroom for crying out loud. Upset. I am upset. I am the only girl who would be.

Look. I know this isn't a big deal. It sure as hell isn't serious. It isn't anything. But, now I have to face the fact that someone might actually call one day (someone I secretly wanted to call) and I have to decide if I want to drag myself through another mess when I'm pretty sure I'm still slightly disheveled.

I am afraid.

I will kiss the air instead, as not to disturb your sleep

And now just for fun, my horoscope...

Over the course of your lifetime, if you're average, you will spend about 336 hours kissing. But why be average? Especially now, when the cosmos is begging you to use your mouth to incite ingenious bliss and explore the frontiers of closeness? To be in maximum alignment with the great cycles of nature and make God happy, I suggest you experiment with Guinness-Book-of-World-Records-levels of smooching and licking and sucking. If you can't find a human partner to collaborate with, then kiss the sky, the trees, the rivers, and even the mist. (P.S. For extra credit, use your mouth to murmur lyrical praises and whisper poetic temptations.)

That's not fair.

Not fair at all.

A time to kill

I have realized that the train I want to take to Toronto leaves this Saturday, Valentines Day. I could put money on the fact that is a sub conscious descision to keep myself busy and mind off the "holiday." I am not one of those girls who goes around throwing anti Valentines cards at people, bitching relentlessly about the sucky commercial aspect of a superficial holiday. I was always the girl who hid a sharp jealousy by handing out cards to anyone and everyone along with chocolates and a bright pink and red sweater vest. The best deffence is a solid offence. Or is it the other way around? W/e it still works. I love the idea of a day for love. But let's be honest, it sucks when you feel excluded and doesn't it rock when you're not? And I never liked how the day had to be colour coded red and pink. The fact that holidays are associated with with specific colours always irked me as tacky. I actually havn't had a Valentine since I was 12 so it's no different than any other year. BUT I will secretly cross my fingers for some small act of appreciation, whether a random phone call from a friend or a surprise cup of coffee. I am not trying to be pathetic. So no sympathy allowed. That's not the point. My mother is buying me all the chocolate I want. I guess I wish I could change Valentines day into more of a day to celebrate all kinds of love rather than strictly romantic love. The feeling you get being in love, and celecbrate everyone in your lie that you love. It already kinda is I get. But let's start a revolution, let's spread the word and hand flowers to strangers, all kinds of flowers, not just roses. Meet me on the corner with your gerber daisies and snap dragons and we'll make sure everyone has a happy Valentines Day. :)

TGIS

Right now I am sitting on Jake's couch, in his comfiest sweater watching my two best friends battle it out over Mario Kart. We are full of bacon and eggs and coffee, preparing to study and still somehow debating what movie we should watch. It's pretty much perfect. Last night was similar. Work and school this week have been stressful to say the least. But right now I am so comfortable and happy it's ridiculous.
One more week of school , work and placment and I'll be in Toronto to visit the sister. That is also a much needed mini vacation. I might just wander around downtown alone while she's at work. It's my favourite thing to do. It's like a weird sort of meditation for me. Walking amoung all the people and just thinking about everything and nothing. I'm never really going anywhere and yet seeing everything.

muchl azy and perfect Saturday love

Help I'm alive

Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind,
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves,
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach,
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow.
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.

I have been hearing this everywhere. I see this everywhere. It's following me. And I'm not really sure why. I have ideas. It's possibly one of the most beautiful verses I have ever heard. I have this plane ticket to use up from a trip I cancelled a month ago. I can go anywhere and right now I am dying to go to Coachella. The lineup is beyond amazing, like everyday was handpicked just for me. That's a really egotistical thing to say but I don't care. I'm seriously considering going alone.
And sidenote: I have this friend who consistently puts down any seemingly crazy idea I have or future plan that seems unrealistic and it's really really really getting old. To use a really cheesy saying, I have big dreams. I do. I don't think on a small scale. I see the last two years as working my way up to my biggest ideas. Getting on planes, trains, staying places alone, meeting strange and lovely people and setting it all up on my own are some things I getting better at. Every little bit helps. I can't just pick up and leave my whole life without some realistic expectation of what to do. I'm working my way up, leaving a piece of myself in every new place I visit, with every interesting person I hope to meet again. And I tell you these things, I share them with you not so you can shut them down and beat them in front of me. I do it so that maybe you will understand, tell me I'm not crazy and that I can do whatever I want. But that's ridiculous because I already know those things and I don't really need reaffirmation. In short, cut it out. You're pissing me off.

THERE IS A BREAKTHROUGH MOMENT OCCURING IN MY KITCHEN AT THIS MOMENT
...
Abbee just said, "Why does everyone want a coach bag, like really it just has Cs on it? And why does everyone like the same thing as everyone else, why do they all have to be the same? It's boring. Do you ever think about how nothing matters, nothing? Did you ever realize how pointless EVERYTHING IS? Cars are unatural and scary, pop is terrifying, who thought that was a good idea? Go drink water! Staples, staples are unatural. Nailpolish."

Okay. My little sister just became a philosopher in front of my eyes. My day just got 100% better.

Oh yeah, my placement teacher asked me never to come back. I'm numb about that. I don't want to talk about it. But I will say I feel so bad for the kids in her class that it makes me sick.

Back to studying the phonetic alphabet, but just for now.

Of 3s and performing and tattoos

3 assignments in 3 days. Approximately 3 hours of sleep a night. 3 inches of snow and 4 times the car ride. 3 days of class BUT 4 without. The universe is a place of balance I tell you.
Things feel good. Things are still cold and icy but good and sparkly at the same time. I looked at the Ambassador bridge today and almost thought it was pretty. Alright. It kinda was. Like I said, things are busy and if I'm not careful I stay up too late and start the day off cranky and rushed. Good things are happening in spite of the chaos. My research project was looking like a nightmare. I'm basically working in a classroom where a teacher doesn't believe in using drama in the classroom. Even though it's part of the curriculum. Anyways, I've changed my research question so it will work out, it's so much easier for me now. I'm making slim monies right now but having nice long weekends and I'm enjoying it. Fuck the everyday, constant, busy, no sleep crap. Been there, done that. It gets you nowhere but old and fast. Half a busy week works for me.

Today we gave a group performance in improv two. I have the biggest love/hate relationship with this class. The deadlines are quick, detailed, challenging and seemingly impossible at first impression. But, something has to be said for the fact that the individual assignments each group was given turned out beautifully. Everyone had the most elaborate set, props and tech that I've ever seen in six minute works in progress. And in the end the prof gave us a ton of credit, saying she was privileged to work with our class. It still would have been nice to develop the piece further rather than rush a script in less than week. I played an uninhibited crack whore, naturally. Can't imagine a day when I don't get to perform in some capacity on a regular basis. I have yet to find adrenaline and satisfaction in quite the same way anywhere else.

I got a new tattoo. An ampersand under my bottom lip (&). She's pretty and reminds me that I've lost my mind but more importantly, that I ain't no Juliet.

The bride

In progress

I hate winter

It's freezing outside. Arctic freezing. My hands turned black walking to class the other day because I forgot my mittens. It was scary. A good reason to hate winter. Another good reason to hate winter is that everything is slippery. I was running into the drama building and yelling about how I had to pee and fell flat on my face in front of my improv class. Which didn't embarrass me at all, I had a good long laugh, but damn my knees hurt after. My boots are slippery but it's better than getting wet feet in sneakers. I refuse to wear heavy boots. Too uncomfortable and hot.
School can only be described as fine this semester. Improv, history of the English language, theatre for young audiences, theatre history and directed studies in dred. I'm actually really lucky. I have genuine interest in each class. But the work, the work she kills. I cut back on working for money hardcore, signed up for more classes instead, but I'm only on campus 3 days a week. The rest of the time I do homework. But, I've also started painting. I have less money but slightly more insanity. That was supposed to say sanity. Freudian slip I guess. That's so bizarre. I need to think about what that means. Anyways, it looks like the majority of assignments will be done with in the next month.
I need to book another concert soon. There are 2 I'm considering. Great Big Sea and Matt and Kim. Both are in the same week. That would be so awesome. But it's also the same week as March break day camp. I've pulled off some pretty crazy and desperate trips for the sake of music before so it's not a huge deal. The sake of music is also the sake of sanity so the insanity is completely necessary.
Let's see, what else is new, I got a haircut today, one of my best friends is home from Australia after a year and I can't wait to see her, I have a skating competition this weekend, and I got drunk the other night doing homework. I found out the devil is alive and well embodied in Ann Coulter, there is a national day for velocaraptors and I picked a wedding song should I ever decide to. It's called Fairytale of New York. if I ever were to get married I think I'd hire a celtic band instead of a dj. That would be the greatest wedding ever. I miss Patrick O'Ryans. There, I think I'm caught up with randomness.

My brother the poet

if you want to see santa again come to the dock with all the money in the world and if you dont, we will burn down the white house and the pentagon with elves and the president inside. WWWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH... ..and cut off his balls.



....


Quinten strikes again.
Word for word.
A ransom letter.
An assignment he wrote for school.
I've been told it's my fault.
Please, tell me, how the fresh hell did I suggest my brother should castrate Santa?

I hope you liked that.

2+0+0+9=11

If you add up the numbers of the new year you get 11. Isn't that a lucky number? I think so? I know that at 11:11 you are supposed to make a wish. I always do. Wishing on the new year seems appropriate. 2008 was a terrible year for so many people I know. And for me, I relate. BUT, in ways it was one of the best years too. In many ways, I don't know what to make of it at all. Sometimes I want to forget it ever happened. When all is said and done, I think I learned a lot. I experienced a lot, and am better all around for it. I'm glad it's over. I don't think I've ever had such emotional turmoil within a twelve month time span. So, let's recap. Here are some of the low points from the year:

The Lows:
- one of my best friends left for Australia and I miss her terribly
- The university decided to take away my loan right before Christmas and I had to surrender money I had saved for almost a whole year
- I was backstabbed, betrayed and emotionally broken by someone I thought I trusted, who I thought was different, better. Now I don't know if I can ever trust anyone like that again even though we're still friends.
- I learned to never make myself vulnerable again.
- This summer was one of the worst ever. Mostly work and no play. Stress, headache and very little adventure.
- One of my best friends lost her mom. I can't imagine what she went through. It put a lot in perspective. Good and bad.

The Highs:
- I got a promotion at work, I got a second new job and have been working really hard
- First semester I got all As
- Four Amanda/Dresden Dolls concerts which effectively changed my outlook on life
- I found new music. This is always major
- I learned how to play the ukulele
- I went to BC and found the mountains and fresh air
- I danced in public and met strangers who became friends

Mainly I learned there are many kinds of love. It's messy, it's complicated, it's always in flux. Lines between love and hate are thin, and often the reasons we love people are the same reasons we hate them. It's not easy, it isn't fun and it hurts. It's uncontollable even when unwanted. There are no rules. People can consistently treat you horribly, ignore you, make you feel like dirt and we can consistently put our hearts through hell for them. I can't help people if they won't let me. It's exhausting giving 100 when you're barely getting 50. This is now in the past. The majority of hurt has callused. People always tell me I should turn my back on the situation completely. It's not an option. I don't turn my back. It's a good reminder none the less.

A lot can change in a year. I still have faith that things will work out if you believe it, if you make good things happen. You are miserable if you choose to be, if you refuse to realize that life is short and we deserve a balance of work and play. I have no more time for people who are satisified looking for attention for being miserable and refuse to talk about it. What they are looking for can only be found by themselves.

So here is my wish, outloud because I'm not going to be superstious and hopefully make it all happen by myself. In the next twelve months I wish to travel and see things, and do everything I can to make myself feel good inside and out. That's all. And if at the end I feel heartbroken again and learn for it, it's okay because I know it will probably be for the best. We never stop learning. One more summer of camp is left, this time I know what to expect. I'll be done school come December and start more adventures in places away from here.

Happy New Year
Happy Fresh Start