I am writing graffiti on your body

I'm listening to Ani DiFranco who has amazing music, music-y poetry. Shit that makes you listen, pretty words strung together in puzzles that make sense. Music that makes me want to buy a guitar, develop some dred locks, live under a tree and do nothing but think about pretty things that will never ever generate a steady income. I wish I could write poetry more than I wish I had the ability to fly lol. And that one's a life long daydream. I'm wearing flowy skirts and ditching the makeup as of late. I've developed a love for yoga, tai chi and organic food. Not to mention I just happen to obsess over vegan soap. More for the smell of oatmeal cookies than the actual vegan-ness. I'm not too keen on giving up my red meat right now. But give it a year, who knows... I digress. lol Yeah, the hardcore hippie life won't happen. I love my red lipstick and black heels way too much. Who says you have to be one way or the other? Not I.

Last night was a mess. Busted out the whiskey and decided to drink with family that was down. Mess, mess, mess. Not that I was sick or even really far gone. I had one of those god awful emotional waves that sometimes come when your mental state is slightly off. I think it was a mix of looming school, the end of camp, feeling guilty for lying to people lately (white lies but what's the difference in the end?), and generally feeling lonely. Feeling lonely is a fucking trip for me. I hate that I have the human need to sometimes rely on people and relationships. It's not that I can't be alone, I'm not one of those girls who has to go out every night or latch herself in a string of disastrous relationships to feel validated and full of purpose. But, if I could just be completely independent I truly believe I would be so much better off. Makes me feel weak and reliant and I hate it. The last thing I ever want to be is one of those girls who plan their life around others or just one person. What a nightmare. If I was a totally independent I could then focus completely on school and work and what I want for myself. Maybe that's terrible, to wish away attachment. But, then I wouldn't feel bad about ever leaving anyone or anyplace. It just seems incredibly liberating. Unfortunately that's not the case and I have a tendency to feel guilty for wanting to move away from everyone and for holding grudges against people who would up and leave and not miss me as much as I would miss them. Mostly, I can't help but feel torn between being isolated and finding someone who's life would compliment my own in the most beautiful way without suffocating me completely. Doesn't it feel so good to know that you can do anything and go anywhere without worrying about how it affects someone else? But, doesn't it feel good when someone just wants to hold your hand because it's attached to your arm and no one elses? You can hold my hand but it still belongs to my arm.

I think these are my favourite Ani DiFranco lyrics as of yet:

We could be stuck in traffic for over a week with a car full of quintuplets who are all cutting teeth and around my neck could be a flaming Christmas wreath and I'd be smiling underneath

and also:

tell you the truth i prefer the worst of you

too bad you had to have a better half

she's not really my type

but i think you two are forever

and i hate to say it but

you're perfect together

so fuck you

and your untouchable face

and fuck you

for existing in the first place

and who am i

that i should be vying for your touch

and who am i

i bet you can't even tell me that much

And the moral of the story is I am a fucking emotional girl who wishes she were made of stone. There is something to be said for my desire to be a living statue. Haha, pretentious artists and psychologists would read so much into this and say I already am one.

Scary.