Here comes a cold

Saturday was spent emptying my insides of all foreign things. Food was no longer recognizable and rejcted in a painful way while shaking on the floor. My body was so sick of me abusing it that it just went comatose. I slept over 12 hours. And now, I can feel a cold coming on. I havn't been sick in almost a year and now for the first time in god knows when I let myself get worn down to the point where my body can't defend itself as usual.
But it's business as usual. School today, work tonight, assignements due tomorrow. Assignments that my computer destroyed and that I have to completely re-do. I should be freaking out but this is just the way it goes. That's life.

I came to the realization that I'm working my ass off to pay to do a mediocre job in school right now. That's a bullshit cycle that can't be helped. I will be so happy when this bullshit is over and I can go anywhere else and worry about new things. There I will worry about new things, while seeing new things and hopefully find a better balance.

Black and blue

Somehow I'm standing. I think it's Wednesday but it feels like Monday. Literally, I am living at work. Sunday I worked from 9 am until 7 pm Monday. I've been living off coffee so much that my body doesn't know what to do with solid food and it's making me sick. It sounds crazy but crazier still, I love it. Beautiful children greet me in the morning, they say I love you and hug you and don't care if you didn't shower in the morning. I love it, I love it, I love it. My body is so sore that it hurts to sit, walk and stand up. Last night was St. Patrick's Day celebrations and it was very much needed. I've said it before but there is this perfect state of drunk where you are not sick, just happy and light and loving life despite the fact you know tomorrow comes crashing at 6 am. And what I have to show are the black and blue marks all over my back, shoulders, arms and chest. It's a good kind of sore. Everytime I accidentally touch one I am reminded that it's nice to be 21 and whatever else I want. 21 and a little reckless. 21 and somewhere between caring a lot and not giving a fuck about anything. I'm sitting in class right now but I feel deaf. Listening and hearing is taking 100% more effort than usual. All I can think about is how I'd rather be at camp and tomorrow can't come soon enough so I can spend the whole day just playing. 21 and playing like I'm 6.


My name is Frankee. I'm six years old and my favourite animal is the great pink elephant.

We choose, and that makes us lucky.

Do not listen to people when they tell you your friends are wrong for you. When all is said and done you are the only one who gets to choose who you spend time with, share with and laugh with. At this age you are old enough to deal with the consequences of your actions. Do what gets you through the day, week and year. Spend time with those you can talk to for hours and those you can be around for hours and not use words at all. Just remember that karma is a real bitch, respect yourself and know that you deserve the same from others. Don't ever put labels on your love or think for a second that you need to fufill some social guideline for friendship that other people follow like game rules. It doesn't matter how often you speak or how long, who opens the door, or whether or not you split the bill. Just always remember that you are the only one you have to spend the rest of your life with so make sure that person is happy first and foremost. You know you have met true life loves when spending time with those people makes you feel more like yourself than the times you are alone. Sadly, others won't understand or approve of everything you do and that's okay. They're looking out for you, they're protecting you and the truth is, you should listen and consider what they say. You shouldn't be clouded by your own assumptions and feelings, you should be aware of how your friends treat others as well. But in the end, the choice is yours. You keep you safe. You keep you happy. You spend that love.

I loves my friends. I am so in love with friends.

The other day someone told me that friends are the family we choose.

Someone today asked me where I would I go on vacation if I had the choice. The truth is that anywhere would be a wonderful adventure as long as the right person or people came along.

This storm is what we call progress

Today I worked for 12 hours. When I came home from leading four birthday parties and serving at least ten pizzas, I planned on doing homework. I don't want to go through the list of midterms, assignments, and puppets (don't ask) that are due this upcoming week. Maybe someone will take my desk shift Monday night. I doubt it. I have staff training all day tomorrow which I've secretly been looking forward to. I'm rambling. There is no formula to these sentences, no order. And now, now I am watching the corniest Hugh Grant love movie ever and I might be half asleep. Sleep typing. Sleep singing. Anyways, I planned on doing homework and I failed. I thought of some ideas. I'll build on them tomorrow.

On top of this week of school hell I feel incredibly guilty. I found out that I don't even have time to pursue other options and roads in my personal time. I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up hurting someone's feelings and I'm avoiding it. The sucky thing is, the longer I wait the worse the feelings get hurt but I jut can't do it now. I'm terrible. He deserves some cute,hipster, bubbly thing that has time for a 20 minute phone call. He deserves someone who is really into him and that's not me right now.

God my head hurts.

My mom said I could move to Australia. Well, she supports it. I think they're going to help me go, grandparents too. Lately, it's like everyone just knows that I can't stay here anymore and that it's really important that I go away. Or maybe they just want me gone like my sister says.

Sleep typing. Sleep talking.

"This storm is what we call progress." - George Bernard Shaw
This quote has effectively changed my perspective.

I love you. Goodnight.

Two face

There are two sides of me right now. I feel a little like I'm pulled in two very different directions. If I follow one direction I stay in the same place, a limbo. There is possibility of change in this place but it's unlikely. It's a place I could stay for years, a place I've been in for years without movement. Like a line dance, back and forth, you move around side to side but always stop and start in the same exact place. In that place I have nothing to loose but nothing to gain. And that part has been made clear to me, explictiy, it is not as assumption. But there on the other side is something new, something growing on me. I'm hestitant and cautious to go there. It's scary and new and I'm not sure of myself. I don't want to loose myself. I'm more afraid of things going well than bad. If things go well nothing can last because I don't intend to stay here. Dead end. If I'm attatched I lose. Nothing can come from anything, doomed from the start. But now, right now it feels pretty good. For now I'm just going to do what feels good now and fuck whatever happens. Worst thing that can happen, I face plant again. I kinda feel like taking a risk. Wouldn't it be nice to split yourself in half, take both roads, see what happens, maybe eventually choose just one or always keep both.

Maybe I'm selfish. It's nice to be wanted. And god he's pretty. And nice. What is that?