Goodbye forever Crash!

I have sleep issues. People say they call my house in the morning, people say they call my cell phone. I never hear it. Apparently my phone alarm rings and I shut if off. I never remember this. I have this theory that it's an escape mechanism. My subconscious self just shoots the world a big ol' middle finger and keeps dreaming about lots of things. Awful things, good things, things that would make you wonder. I could care less about reality when i finally wake up. I guess my mom tried to call three times in a row and I just kept dreaming on through it. Good. I have no excuse for people than, "Obviously my body needs the rest." And who am I to say it's a lie?

And now for a strange story:

Last week I ran into my devastating high school let down. The reason I became cynical. He left town ages ago. It's really not so dramatic. It wasn't some great love, just a huge disappointment. I really should thank him. He taught me how to be guarded, to be wary of words (and men in general), and strange promises with underlying motives. Mostly the kind that last a night. Anyways we were at the same place, same time. I was halfway to inhebriation and thought what the hell. So, there I was with my high school crash (not crush) and grade school boyfriend, drinking, while they just asked me questions about how and why and when I changed. I just laughed and said I grew up, and asked them when they got old and why they havn't changed at all. High school let down was VERY friendly, rubbing my back, standing and talking very close. I had to try really hard not to laugh. I considered the unspeakable. Maybe I could be a little reckless, maybe I could forget all that other shit for a little bit and have fun, maybe my 17 year-old-self was cheering me on. Nah, lol the idea of adding another chapter to that ridiculous book of teenage disaster was laughable. So I used my well tuned defenses that he so lovingly gave me three odd years ago. At the end of the night he muttered something about how we never see each toher and probably wouldn't again for a very long time. "How tragic," I smiled, "Goodbye forever then!" And turned out the door, arm in arm with my girlfriend.

I could be brilliant, I could be an idiot. My 17 year-old-self hates me. My almost 21 year-old-self loves me. He's not what I want. Much too pretty. haha



Much love.