When I grow up

When I grow up I want to:

be an artist

work with other artists

perform in some capacity

tour and travel

design

i don't want to necessarily be rich and famous, I don't really want that at all

i want to meet lots of people and feel inspired everyday

i want to paint and dance and sweat and laugh






Something has to change. I'm drowning in monotony.

Time to leave this place, and soon.

My Birthday

I hate my birthday. Not because I get older. I could care less about age. That's a semi lie. Turning 20 was a near tragedy at first but 21 is no sweat. I hate it when people call and make a big deal, like I did something really important. I'd rather celebrate good grades or gettting a promotion at work. And I guess birthdays can be for celebrating a years accomplishments but its not like we actually think about that come a friend's birthday. And besides, I'm not going to list them for you. A relelvant accomplishment should be celebrated in THAT moment anyways. But it seems birthdays are a bigger deal and yet, I have done nothing but stayed alive for another 365 days. I don't even like cake. Sure, I like celebrating an overall year of success but I always thought thats what the holidays were for. On New Years we all celebrate together and no one is singled out. Not that singling out accomplishments is bad. I just prefer the celebrating everyone at the same time. "I love you, I love that you're here, thanks for being in my life, let's all be in love with each other and hope that we get another year of this together." That's more fun than my birthday. "Cheers to me, I squeezed my way out of a uterus, let's drink." I don't think so. And so in a week from today I will be 21. I took my birthday off facebook. Those who genuinely wish me a happy birthday are welcome to do so. Those who feel obligated because the feed told you so will not have to worry about keeping up with the Jones'. lol You're off the hook. I don't need my inbox flooded anyways. I love that people want to take me out and celebrate with me, I can't wait to see those I love. I guess I should add that I have nothing against celebrating birthdays in general, if you love your birthday more power to you, I envy it.

I already know I'm getting a camera. What I really want is a twenty dollar band shirt I should have bought months ago. Tragic. If only they'd ask. lol. I could save them money.

Much love

There is no title, just incoherent sounds in my throat

This summer is officially going to be beautiful. There is no way in hell that it couldn't. Even if everyday rained, as long as I make it to Toronto on August 9th to see Amanda Palmer it will be absolutely fantastic. I found out today and yelled, I screamed, I shook my sister. Finally something to look forward to! I was so afraid that this summer would be awful, work and no play. But this is the best news I could have gotten. The circus is coming to town kids, and I'm gonna be front and center.

At this very moment life=love and love=life. I'm on cloud nine and I'd like to stay. At least for the night. Did I mention the summer isn't going to suck afterall?

: ) You don't even know.

Goodbye forever Crash!

I have sleep issues. People say they call my house in the morning, people say they call my cell phone. I never hear it. Apparently my phone alarm rings and I shut if off. I never remember this. I have this theory that it's an escape mechanism. My subconscious self just shoots the world a big ol' middle finger and keeps dreaming about lots of things. Awful things, good things, things that would make you wonder. I could care less about reality when i finally wake up. I guess my mom tried to call three times in a row and I just kept dreaming on through it. Good. I have no excuse for people than, "Obviously my body needs the rest." And who am I to say it's a lie?

And now for a strange story:

Last week I ran into my devastating high school let down. The reason I became cynical. He left town ages ago. It's really not so dramatic. It wasn't some great love, just a huge disappointment. I really should thank him. He taught me how to be guarded, to be wary of words (and men in general), and strange promises with underlying motives. Mostly the kind that last a night. Anyways we were at the same place, same time. I was halfway to inhebriation and thought what the hell. So, there I was with my high school crash (not crush) and grade school boyfriend, drinking, while they just asked me questions about how and why and when I changed. I just laughed and said I grew up, and asked them when they got old and why they havn't changed at all. High school let down was VERY friendly, rubbing my back, standing and talking very close. I had to try really hard not to laugh. I considered the unspeakable. Maybe I could be a little reckless, maybe I could forget all that other shit for a little bit and have fun, maybe my 17 year-old-self was cheering me on. Nah, lol the idea of adding another chapter to that ridiculous book of teenage disaster was laughable. So I used my well tuned defenses that he so lovingly gave me three odd years ago. At the end of the night he muttered something about how we never see each toher and probably wouldn't again for a very long time. "How tragic," I smiled, "Goodbye forever then!" And turned out the door, arm in arm with my girlfriend.

I could be brilliant, I could be an idiot. My 17 year-old-self hates me. My almost 21 year-old-self loves me. He's not what I want. Much too pretty. haha



Much love.

Kissy face

Today was probably the most productive day in months. I placed a camp order, tons of prizes and toys for the kids. We handed out post cards to the businesses in town. I got t shirt prices (but have yet to actually place an order). I paid my speeding ticket before getting a notice in the mail! This is pretty huge for me, being the procrastinator that I am. Proof of my legendary procrastination skills comes in the money owed to school. Who I am happy to say received an e mail from me today promising speedy payments now that I am thankfully employed. I really do have a certain gentleman to thank for all these accomplishments. Now that he is finished working he has become my biggest helper and motivation for getting the dirty business out of the way. Feels good, like living someone elses life for a bit lol. I'm being led to believe the only true key to success is initiative and organization. Who knew?

~~~

On a very lovely and free Sunday Jakey and I went on an adventure including Big Breakfast (a fast growing tradition), Colasantis, and flower shopping. Here is my photo essay:

Jake pretending he and the goat are downtown after a night of drinking:

Me playing with a baby who tried to eat my favourite jeans. Monster.

More fun with the goats. I had this really funny feeling they knew they were being mocked.

Playing kissy face with beauty. We taught her to say "How yu durrrin?"
All in all fantastic. The past 2 days have felt like an entire week of glorious breakfasts, car rides, flower shopping, sunshine, pizza dinners and movie nights. I can have my cake and eat it too.

Back to semi reality today. I taught my fantastic art attack class that consists of five of the cutest little girls you will ever meet in one room. They will all be beautiful girls one day, each one in her own way is stunning. I love watching them dance and play and paint. Most of the time they are more taken up with cutting up pieces of feathers and pipe cleaners than actually creating a unified craft. They can just sit there and watch the glitter on their hands and never think to glue it to anything. Beads are more fun loose in your pockets than on string and the little shapes that come from cutting holes in paper are more interesting than the empty spaces left in the paper. I hate inhibiting crafts anyways. I would much rather prefer to let them come up with own creation than anything I suggest.

I could go on but I have to try and sleep. I have a day of babysitting tomorrow with my boys. Hopefully they're tired in the morning and we can all relax together. I've had trouble sleeping lately and don't really know why. Strange dreams and trouble waking up are becoming a constant nuisance.

Much love

To do in the next few days:

Get t shirt prices and numbers

Remember to go to first aid training (because I totally spaced on it today)

Pay speeding ticket (before they lock me up)

Pay the university (in magic beans and whatever else I have of value)

Change old day camp signs around Essex county

Get car serviced (when I don't need it? haha yeaaaaah)

Come up with camp brainstorms for meeting on Friday

Finish camp inventory and type it up

Put up flyers

Think of other things I need to order in bulk

I'm sure there's more. This is the only place I can put it right now and not lose it.

Oi to the world.

I heart my life/job/insanity.

And when not doing the camp life I take not-so-serious hat pictures in very serious faces.

Much love