My mother thinks I'm on drugs. She's asking my friends about me, claiming I'm not myself. Then she finally asked me in seriousness. I laughed and said, "I wish. Maybe then things would be more interesting." Apparently it wasn't time to make a joke. So I asked why and she said there was nothing else to explain the silent treatments, mood swings and sleepiness. Yes, there is. It's called being an overworked, overstressed, 21-year old girl who is trying to figure out how to not end up stuck in this town forever and stay sane. And, apparently a man would fix all this. According to mom everyone has someone and we are all incapable of being happy without another half. Yes, yes, people in love are so happy, so very disgustingly happy. But I am whole! Aren't I glad that I don't have one more thing to drive me crazy while I'm busy saving up to run away and earn some kind of degree? Yes, yes I am. I am just as capable of being happy right now without someone needing my constant attention. Amanda can explain it better than I can:
And I'm not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand (&). And even if I went with you, I'm not the girl you think I am. And I'm not gonna match you, 'cause I'll lose my voice completely. No, I'm just gonna watch you, 'cause I'm not the one that's crazy. - AFP
Amanda is in love and she's 30. So much time! Time is what I do have! I am not pleading girl power here. I am pleading for the world to lay off while I try and figure out who I am. I am too busy falling in love with pieces of the world. If I don't focus on myself no one else will. And, if one day I am lucky enough to stop getting punched in the face by my own idiocy and go where I swore I would never go again, MAYBE THEN. But let's face it, no one deserves to faceplant into pavement e.v.e.r.y.time. So yes, mom I'm happy. I'm really happy getting good grades and getting promotions and working and having friends and not having to be checked up on, and not fighting with someone and crying all night and for not worrying about hurting someone when I leave.
Pretty sure I've already said this. I'm a broken record tonight. Blame it on the cold medicine. My head feels about the size of a hot air balloon. I should have gone to bed hours ago but I even procrastinate about that!
Sidenote: Greys was so good. Lexi was my hero. That took balls. Saying what you want, even if it means losing out. She put herself first. That is so fucking hard.
About Me
- Frankee
- My name is Francesca and Frankee. If I am going to be completely honest I have to say that I can tell you very little about myself. I am never the same person from one day to the next. I love causing a scene and confusing people, shaking up their expectations and making their moments into memories. I'm full of contradictions, someone who loves being completely isolated and still tends to crave living in the middle of an eclectic downtown anywhere. Life is too short not to feel and in the past I've tried too hard to be resilient. Good and bad, I'll take it over nothing. Today I know my hands are full, I have so much and life is worth the things you cannot touch. I believe in passion and love and only hate time. Time is my enemy and I will stay as young as I feel to spite him. It isn't really these memories I'll keep forever but the way in which they made me feel. It's not hard to make me happy. Stars, music, children, fireflies, tea and art keep me sane. I like me, I hope you like you.
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