Stupid universe.

Stupid universe. Thanks a whole lot for granting me my wish. (*eyeroll*) Yeah, you really did me a HUGE favour by sending me a seemingly sweet, blonde, available, chemist who plans on going to Ghana to work with children for a month. You reallllly did it this time. Thanks for sending me a well kept number who actually called and wants to call again. When I said all I needed was to meet someone better...I thought I meant it. Didn't you know better? Ugh. I hate you.

Don't you know anything? Never EVER give me what I want! Because now I don't know what I want and that's really fucked up. And why are you giving me what I want now, you sure havn't done it before, and I was comfortable with that. Even though I'm pretty sure it's nothing it's driving me crazy and I'm already planning on how horrible it will be to break things off with what seems to be a sweet, smart and cute one. I know I would regret it too. And how fucked up is it that you did this on VALENTINES DAY? Oh you really should give yourself a cookie.

Getting what you want means you have to follow through on your word. On my word. It means now that I have to decide if I'm ready to invest more than just time in a person I don't really know that well. Well. I always said this would be good, this is what I wanted and now you're basically forcing me to face facts. Am I ready to totally give up? I thought I had. I thought I had for a very long time.

I hate meeting people in bars. It's the least ideal situation I can possibly imagine. But he wasn't drunk, neither was I and we had legit conversation. I actually gave out a real number this time. I don't know why! I never do! I didn't expect a phone call but there it was, in a bathroom for crying out loud. Upset. I am upset. I am the only girl who would be.

Look. I know this isn't a big deal. It sure as hell isn't serious. It isn't anything. But, now I have to face the fact that someone might actually call one day (someone I secretly wanted to call) and I have to decide if I want to drag myself through another mess when I'm pretty sure I'm still slightly disheveled.

I am afraid.

I will kiss the air instead, as not to disturb your sleep

And now just for fun, my horoscope...

Over the course of your lifetime, if you're average, you will spend about 336 hours kissing. But why be average? Especially now, when the cosmos is begging you to use your mouth to incite ingenious bliss and explore the frontiers of closeness? To be in maximum alignment with the great cycles of nature and make God happy, I suggest you experiment with Guinness-Book-of-World-Records-levels of smooching and licking and sucking. If you can't find a human partner to collaborate with, then kiss the sky, the trees, the rivers, and even the mist. (P.S. For extra credit, use your mouth to murmur lyrical praises and whisper poetic temptations.)

That's not fair.

Not fair at all.

A time to kill

I have realized that the train I want to take to Toronto leaves this Saturday, Valentines Day. I could put money on the fact that is a sub conscious descision to keep myself busy and mind off the "holiday." I am not one of those girls who goes around throwing anti Valentines cards at people, bitching relentlessly about the sucky commercial aspect of a superficial holiday. I was always the girl who hid a sharp jealousy by handing out cards to anyone and everyone along with chocolates and a bright pink and red sweater vest. The best deffence is a solid offence. Or is it the other way around? W/e it still works. I love the idea of a day for love. But let's be honest, it sucks when you feel excluded and doesn't it rock when you're not? And I never liked how the day had to be colour coded red and pink. The fact that holidays are associated with with specific colours always irked me as tacky. I actually havn't had a Valentine since I was 12 so it's no different than any other year. BUT I will secretly cross my fingers for some small act of appreciation, whether a random phone call from a friend or a surprise cup of coffee. I am not trying to be pathetic. So no sympathy allowed. That's not the point. My mother is buying me all the chocolate I want. I guess I wish I could change Valentines day into more of a day to celebrate all kinds of love rather than strictly romantic love. The feeling you get being in love, and celecbrate everyone in your lie that you love. It already kinda is I get. But let's start a revolution, let's spread the word and hand flowers to strangers, all kinds of flowers, not just roses. Meet me on the corner with your gerber daisies and snap dragons and we'll make sure everyone has a happy Valentines Day. :)

TGIS

Right now I am sitting on Jake's couch, in his comfiest sweater watching my two best friends battle it out over Mario Kart. We are full of bacon and eggs and coffee, preparing to study and still somehow debating what movie we should watch. It's pretty much perfect. Last night was similar. Work and school this week have been stressful to say the least. But right now I am so comfortable and happy it's ridiculous.
One more week of school , work and placment and I'll be in Toronto to visit the sister. That is also a much needed mini vacation. I might just wander around downtown alone while she's at work. It's my favourite thing to do. It's like a weird sort of meditation for me. Walking amoung all the people and just thinking about everything and nothing. I'm never really going anywhere and yet seeing everything.

muchl azy and perfect Saturday love

Help I'm alive

Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind,
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves,
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach,
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow.
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.

I have been hearing this everywhere. I see this everywhere. It's following me. And I'm not really sure why. I have ideas. It's possibly one of the most beautiful verses I have ever heard. I have this plane ticket to use up from a trip I cancelled a month ago. I can go anywhere and right now I am dying to go to Coachella. The lineup is beyond amazing, like everyday was handpicked just for me. That's a really egotistical thing to say but I don't care. I'm seriously considering going alone.
And sidenote: I have this friend who consistently puts down any seemingly crazy idea I have or future plan that seems unrealistic and it's really really really getting old. To use a really cheesy saying, I have big dreams. I do. I don't think on a small scale. I see the last two years as working my way up to my biggest ideas. Getting on planes, trains, staying places alone, meeting strange and lovely people and setting it all up on my own are some things I getting better at. Every little bit helps. I can't just pick up and leave my whole life without some realistic expectation of what to do. I'm working my way up, leaving a piece of myself in every new place I visit, with every interesting person I hope to meet again. And I tell you these things, I share them with you not so you can shut them down and beat them in front of me. I do it so that maybe you will understand, tell me I'm not crazy and that I can do whatever I want. But that's ridiculous because I already know those things and I don't really need reaffirmation. In short, cut it out. You're pissing me off.

THERE IS A BREAKTHROUGH MOMENT OCCURING IN MY KITCHEN AT THIS MOMENT
...
Abbee just said, "Why does everyone want a coach bag, like really it just has Cs on it? And why does everyone like the same thing as everyone else, why do they all have to be the same? It's boring. Do you ever think about how nothing matters, nothing? Did you ever realize how pointless EVERYTHING IS? Cars are unatural and scary, pop is terrifying, who thought that was a good idea? Go drink water! Staples, staples are unatural. Nailpolish."

Okay. My little sister just became a philosopher in front of my eyes. My day just got 100% better.

Oh yeah, my placement teacher asked me never to come back. I'm numb about that. I don't want to talk about it. But I will say I feel so bad for the kids in her class that it makes me sick.

Back to studying the phonetic alphabet, but just for now.