Flung and Fling

The last three days have been a blur. So much has happened, small and big that it seems like enough change to last a month. Maybe I've just grown used to the monotonous winter that was work and school. Things are happening around me, to me; and I can't help but chalk it up to the natural course of rebirth that is spring itself.

I thought that Friday was just a random day of insanity but apparently it will be dragged on a little longer. I have a job on Wednesdays babysitting for two adorable little boys, making very good money that I would be silly to pass up. On Sunday I found out the university is giving me am award with a nice bit of money that will be a welcome help to the school fee I've been ignoring. I've been meeting new people, I'm running into old friends. I'm planning the most perfect birthday trip and looking into a house for next year. I've discovered threading my eyebrows is heaven sent and that I like my new navy blue hair colour. But, spring is unpredictable. Sunny and 75 in the shade on Monday, 45 and raining by Tuesday. I had the opportunity to join an educational puppet show (this Wednesday) that works with the board of education. Not wanting to make a bad first impression on my new job I passed it up with a plea that if they should ever need someone to volunteer I would be more than happy to help. OH, and for reasons unknown my face has been itchy for three days. It's sensitive and reacts to almost anything like the weather, makeup, or food. So please, stop bugging me. I hate waking up reddish and puffy.

Details on the birthday trip include two nights in my favourite town in the world and a show. We might stay at this B&B with free breakfast and wine. They will even pack you a picnic! I think we would just die. It's hard to work everyones schedules in and I would really love everyone to come but I know that's not likely. Then again, there's a whole summer open to be reckless, one weekend won't make or break, I hope.

I'm eating dried dates. They look like cockroaches.

I went for a drive today out of sheer boredom. I have no one in this town to call. All the people I would want to see are either working, very far away or don't want to see me as much as I want to see them. I can't just sit in front of the tv like I used to. It drives me bananas. It annoys me to no end. But, I saw my favourite magnolia trees by the lake. I counted all the magnolia trees, 11 in total. And then I took mental pictures because in a week they will be gone and break my heart. I should have taken real pictures. My mom always used to say she got married in early May just cause the magnolia trees were in bloom.

On to banana chips. They remind me of being five years old and in the car on my way to Florida. We used to stop at The Cracker Barrel and buy dried fruit, things I would never normally eat. But when in a strange place we would always soak up every bit of unfamiliarity and even eat differently. The smell of banana is tied to this for some reason.

Last cooking class tonight. Cupcakes and ice cream sandwiches. Should be easy enough. I will miss them. The last 5 weeks flew by. I hope the next 5 take their time. I have so much nothing to do still. The least I can do is enjoy it. Even if it turns to be just driving alone.

"I know we'll meet again
Maybe tonight
Just tell me where and when
I know it's never sure
Maybe tonight"

Seriously, I'm not trying to be cliche but this girl's lyrics always have something relevant in the moment. And right now I could have written it myself.

I miss you professor G. You know who you are <3

Much love

Sweet intoxication

So the silver fox directing teacher actually gave me and A plus. NO SHIT. My absolute best final mark and the one I deserve the least. It's not like I did nothing but an A plus? That's a tad extreme. So, it's tainted but I'll take it. People come by success in life in many more screwed up ways than that. I didn't lie, cheat or steal so as far as I am concerned the universe and I are square.

Yesterday was the craziest day ever. I seriously thought I'd just get up and do nothing until movie night at work and then go out for a drink with one of my best girls. Not so. I mean yeah those things happpened but so did so many other ridiculous things. First, my uncle called who is a vice pronciple at a high school in the city. He needed an emergency supply teacher for a drama class in the afternoon. Scared shitless is a good way to describe how I felt in that moment. I had a half an hour to get ready and then drive to a school I've never been to. So I'm driving along, practically shaking and low and behold I get pulled over by the cops for going 94 in a 60. My first speeding ticket ever. But the officer was a very nice woman who was very understanding and reduced my fine to 30 dollars. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I get to the school and find out there is no lesson plan. NONE. Time for serious improvisation. I pulled out every game I could possibly think of that a high school class might want to play. The classroom (if you can call it that) was a disaster. No teacher's desk, no filing cabinet, piles of papers, books, props, costumes and general random debris everywhere. Chaos follows me wherever I go. The first class actually went well. There were 10 grade twelve students and everyone participated and I actually had a pretty good time. The second class had 27 grade tens. Yeeps. Slowly more and more students dropped out of the games as the class went on. Some came back for periods of time. About half were participating by the end of the class. I understand, they don't have to listen to me, I'm only playing games with them. They weren't completely rude or belligerent. One boy said the game was stupid and lame cause he couldn't figure it out. I told him it was funny everyone else could figure it out but him. I don't like attitudes. Some students were nice enough to hush others when I was speaking. I only raised my voice a few times, I know how well that works (...right). When the last bell went I was sooooo happy. I survived. I didn't do that bad. For having no lesson plan I think I actually did pretty good. It was adrenaline for sure.

Back home I went, and then to work. For 2 hours. Hooray. Then my friend came all the way to Harrow to pick me up and bring me to Windsor so I could drink and not worry about driving. Wes topped at house party first. Some big jerky hockey player asked if I thought I was a pirate (because of the skull scarf on my bag). I said yes with a straight face. I don't like assholes who think they're funny either. Then drunk asshole had the nerve to ask for a ride. Hells no Chi-ca-go, you ain't getting anywhere. So we sped away into the night leaving behind a group of angry drunk hockey players who were forced to call cabs. HAHAHA. I love my life. We went to my favourite pub in the city (mainly because the bouncer knows me by heart and doesn't make me pay cover), listened to live music (all my favourite bar songs!) and I had 3 pints of beer. OH I was feeling pretty good. We met up with some guys originally from my hometown who were a lot of fun and pretty much basked in the glory of being free from school.

At the end of the night my mom met us halfway home to pick me up. I was slurring awfully, going on about boys and hockey players and drama. She said I was prejudiced against hockey players. I just laughed and said maybe I am, but only against the majority. As soon as I came home my parents went to bed, probably so they wouldn't have to deal with me all slightly drunk. I went online, put on my favourite band, closed my eyes and thought about how it was like I was hearing them for the first time. I fell asleep on my keyboard. I woke up at 3:30, put on another song and did the same damn thing. By 4 I went to bed. Imagine if my family found me asleep at the computer in my clothes in the morning. haha they probably wouldn't be surprised at all. There are a few beautiful times when you're in an inhebriated state of bliss. No spins, no puking no headaches. This was one such time. I couldn't have started the summer any better.

"Together we're both alone, but I don't mind." Holla Nicole Atkins; you know my soul. Finally bought the album.

Much love

I'll go anywhere you want

I am done exams. I handed in my last paper today at noon (let's not talk about how I was up till 3 am) and I'm not feeling the huge rush of relief that everyone else is gushing about. I still have to wait for all the final marks to come in and in the meantime there's the constant boredom. I realize I am probably being the most ridiculous pessimist in the world right now. But other than clean my room and work there is little to do here during the day. The last two years have driven me into a fitness mode where I take all the energy I usually put into note taking and turn it into looong walks and bike rides. I'll probably do it again. I like seeing all the green in the spring. I'm a nerd when it comes to the nature stuff, I eat it up and get all mushy about how pretty the flowers are in the smelly ditch. In a recent trip to B.C. I stood and gaped at a natural waterfall for a good ten minutes. I dragged my sister along that same nature trail multiple times in three days. I'm not the kind of girl who grew up camping, nor do I look the part of back-woods-roughing-it-kid but I can always oooh and awe over the beauty of things man did not create.... I just realized it's earth day. Honestly. Irony....ugh you cliche, you. *That's a picture of me marvelling at an overturned tree in BC. Again, much gapping was done.

And so now I face the void. Room cleaning, working, debt paying... maybe a trip to Toronto to visit the sister. Drinking? Probably. I can't even waste my time shopping cause it would just depress me. Although, I was amazed today to realize that I've never taken the time to look around the countless antique shops in my hometown. I love anything retro and old but out of a personal spite for this town I have avoided them for much too long. I don't even know what's in there. Once I clean out my winter mess I could probably find some treasure for when I move out and start decorating my own place. No, I don't have in mind per say...I'm working on it. I have no actual house, just this vision of an old, worn in, dark place with lots and lots of glass bottles, ancient furniture, random artifacts from the 20s and 30s. Lots of shelves of vinyls, fresh flowers, my own art work and mugs that never run out of tea. Run of the mill creepy-cozy.

Cooking class ran today. We made pizza. I call it zaz. I like my name better. Anyways, when I got to work to find my groceries I realized that I would have to use real pizza dough and rough it betty croker style with my pre-school class. Last time we used bagels, super easy. I couldn't find the flour at first and everyone had dough stuck to their fingers like thick, gooey spiderwebs. I swear the moms who watch me think I haven't a clue some days. (I can't blame them, it's usually true, I improv most things). Although, they always compliment me on my patience, which I admit is a talent. I understand the instant attention children believe they need. Maybe I can relate. Eventually, I found the flour and only half the dough was wasted. No major problems with the preschoolers this week. A few spilled glasses on the floor, some zaz was stuck to the pans, and I had to improvise a game to fill dead baking time but other than that they loved their pizza. My second class came in quick and this time my favourite friend came back. I don't know if he wants attention, to unload a whack of energy or to sincerely get on my nerves but he cannot stop running around the kitchen. I try to give him special jobs but it's all in vain. Finally, after he felt the need to sword fight with a broom and very nearly smack a little girl in the forehead I put his pizza in the fridge and told him to sit down while the others ate. He told me I suck. I said thanks for noticing. I might have patience to beat the band but I can get sarcastic with kids that push me. One more week. I just wish I could figure out what this kid is trying to get at. There's obviously a bigger problem. ADD? Maybe. Maybe family stuff. I don't know. Wish I did.

...something is in the kitchen. Noises can be heard. Mom said she saw a mouse the other day. I'm chalking this up to rodent................Noises have ceased for the time being. Updates to follow.

And now I need to thank a very special girl who saved my ass last night after a night of drinking (her not me). Imagine coming home from the bar and finding your friend nearly dying over a paper at 3 am because they are so tired and drained that they cannot figure out how to format their paper. Most people would laugh, say sucks to be you, maybe offer a little encouragement and turn to bed. Not this angel. She took all my references and made my works cited. I owe you my life and my sanity kid! I'm never letting you go, that's for sure. I was nearly in tears and spinning from the anxiety but once again a friend pulls through. Every time (more like everyday) I think about becoming a recluse lovely individuals remind me I can't always do it on my own, nor should I. I like being independent for the most part. I just occasionally need someone to hold my hand and tell me the world isn't going to end if my final paper worth only 15 percent misuses capital letters in titles of journals. Literally and figuratively. I can be completely ridiculous but it takes very little to calm me down.

Time for the nightly music and tea ritual. Me time. 2 am is for creative juices. I love.

"Hometown heroes fall

As years go by

Like dominoes

A dark parade

I'll go anywhere

I'll go anywhere you want

If you'll take me

I know that I don't know you very well

But you seem cool enough

I don't care where you're going

Just take me with you

This place's got nothing

That I could want"

...................Nicole Atkins, you've done it again.

(Kitchen noises have subsided, I love my ghosts)

Much love.

Breathe and Smile

I didn't go out this weekend. I worked for seven hours at a wrestling tournament. Basically I stood with a walkie talkie and an ice pack just waiting for someone to get hurt. The stress level was ridiculous. There was no EMS standing by! We always have medics around for skating competitions but wrestling dosen't??? Luckily I only saw a few bruises and pulled muscles. Apparently someone broke their collar bone before I got there. No offence to people who wrestle but it just doesn't look very appealing, and way too dangerous. I can't imagine not swearing at someone the moment they touched me. I'd probably bite someone if they trie to pin me to the ground. There's no way in hell you'd ever catch me in the one peice spandex disaster either. Skating dresses are another story altogether, it's really not the same at all. They have sequence and lace. I can deal with that. Wrestlers don't get to wear the most hideous shades of red and pink lipstick either. Clown makeup is half the fun. I'll take my no contact girly sport anyday.

My sister got back on the train to go back home today. I'm jelous. I would love nothing more than to get on a train to Toronto right now, espeically with the weather the way it is. I love trains, maybe because everytime I've been on one I've been going someplace exciting, maybe because you can see lots of things along the way, maybe I just love getting the section of four seats in the back corner. I can pretty much find my way around the city and I could always explore some more. I always find the most stellar underground shopping. lol Last time I found a store in a basement that sold retro musical theatre memorabilia. The black market has great shopping too. I'll have to go back this summer for sure, get some really cheap second hand stuff. Aw, I can't wait. I dream about running away everyday. Alone or not, I'd go far away live in an old house, have a part time job and spend the rest of my days starting over, creating art and drama and music. Hells yeah. That, or join the circus. Seriously how sick would that be??!! I'd do it. I think I'm drawn to the lifestyle because of the Portuguese gypsy blood. No lie. Grandma says so. Dad plays accordian, he's got it too.

I found out Francesca means white dove. I'm not sure how to relate this to myself yet, or if I can. I like another translation better...free. That's more me I think...

I like my hair today. I like my boobs too, I do. They're not too big right now, and my hands, despite the deep cuts around my thumbs that tell me I'm stressed out. They let me know when it's time to just let go. I like how I'm only wearing a little bit of makeup and I smell like vanilla. It's a good day. My grandmas magnolia trees are white and blooming across the street and I'm going to study on my front porch, with some orange pekoe. Sounds like a plan kids.

I can't stop listening to Nicole Atkins. She is just wonderful.

"Maybe if I paid attention I could learn to love the landscape I was born too..."
I know what you mean my dear.

Time to study. I'm still stressed but at least I slept better last night. Two night ago was awful. I kept waking up sweaty and panicky. It wasn't fun at all. I take comfort in knowing that no matter what happens Tuesday it'll all be over. I can't decide if the first thing I'll do will be get completely wasted or meditiate. Truly. I miss tai chi. I can crane like no other mo fo. "Just breathe and smile," he used to say.
Breathe and smile...

Happy Endings

I locked my keys in the damn car. I hate that. I left my cell phone and ipod in there too. Thank god I grabbed my wallet before locking the door. So naturally, I was pissed. But let's start at the beginning because I'm getting ahead of myself. Things started out much worse than all this, it was just one of those days I will be happy to laugh at come tomorrow. I went to work at 6 like every Thursday to teach my favourite program about how to be home alone and safe. The kids are cool, they bring me pictures of concerts they go to, laugh at my stupid jokes and they even humor me by reading stories aloud and doing the various voices like it's a play. My boss left a note for me to call her. This is never a good thing. I have yet to be told to call for a pat on the back, it's not how things work. No news is good news, end of story. So I called right away, not wanting to make the situation any worse than it could potentially be. Even though I had no idea what it was about, you just never know what to expect. Apparently I've been signing in for too much set up and take down time. I've been doing this since September and they're just noticing? I didn't do it on purpose, it's a completely legitimate use of time and I was under the impression I could use it. I can dispute this and submit a list of all the things I do in the time span but I feel like that would be a waste of time. The hours are almost not worth it at all anymore. For example, the rental I was supposed to cover tonight didn't show up and so I got even less hours than usual. It's almost not worth the gas money to drive there anymore. I could have been studying. I love my job but when does experience and fulfilment become overshadowed by the money? I used to swear that working was never about the money, it wasn't at all. It was money that would help me, I didn't depend on it like I do now. I need to support my school debts, text books, credit card and phone bill. The school is fucking me over, so are the text books, the phone company, and now my job that I used to look forward to.

After all that I went to the gas station and locked my keys in the car. The gas station doesn't let you use their phone, and the pay phone takes 50 cents now, 50 cents I did not have. The girl at the counter was nice enough to let me use her cell phone but everyone in my family was at my sisters fashion show. There was literally no one I could call to bring me my extra key. Luckily, (i'm pretty sure nothing about this story is lucky) .... my car was not at the pump so I ran back to work and got a ride, from a co worker, to the local golden arches where I met a friend. Unfortunately, my friend was trying to study and probably not too impressed I was stranded with them until my mom came to bring me my spare key. (I finally called her from my friend's phone). So aside from being a nuisance and distraction I was also a pain to my mother who had to drive 25 minutes to bring me a key. I know she was angry because we went through drive through for coffee and the girl on the speaker asked her if she wanted anything else twice, both times she said no, without asking me if I wanted something. lol She must have been really mad. Sorry again mom.

So after that the vices are back. Kinda.

I guess I should just be thankful I have an extra key, last time I didn't. That's another debacle altogether. The really funny thing is that about an hour ago a friend called to say she lost her car keys (the same one who loves her tea). It's very natural that we would both have similar things happen to us and then freak about how we are such dunces over the phone. It's one of those things where you are complete opposites but exactly the same. So you always surprise each other with your differences but theres so much in common that there's no way you couldn't be friends. It's one of the healthier relationships I've found.

Tomorrow morning I'm getting up early to go to the library to try and finish some of my take home exam and visit my aunt who might be able to help. I really hope I can do it and not freak out the day before. I need to not stress. If I stress I will freeze up and I only have myself to drive crazy. And I'm already there. lol I will be so happy on Tuesday! I can't wait to feel sooooooo good. Like summer, like daycamp, like your favourite music coming on the radio randomly on the most beautiful day you can imagine, and butterflies and beer and cigars!

Sleep time. I'm going to dream about my drummer love. OOOhhhhh Today has a happy ending after all.....

Much love

Tea time.

It's tea time. Something that's supposed to put me to sleep. It has peppermint in it and is absolutely wonderful. It may as well be called warmed up peppermint milk because there's so much of it. But thats how I had when I was little, with honey of course, so naturally that's the best way to enjoy it until forever. This is my favourite time of the day, the only time I can really think clearly at all. Its past 1 am and the entire house has gone to bed. It's just me and an empty house and my music. I can do pretty much whatever I want and completely decompress. It's so awfully strange and perfect all at the same time. During the day I have this need to be constantly stimulated by television, music, chores and the internet (all at the same time). I will find myself trying to listen to a song and watch tv at the same time and realize that I'm almost torturing my nervous system.

My sister's coming home tomorrow. I get to pick her up at the train station. She's a year younger than me but older in every way other than chronologically. She was always the first to do everything, skate on a team, go to prom, have a boyfriend, move away. She's brave like that. I envy it. Plus shes taller so everyone assumes she's older anwyays. We're going out this weekend cause she's going through some drama. I just hope I don't have to get dressed up. I'd much rather wear my converses and polka dots, climb on a makeshift stage and jump around like the reckless kid I pretend to be. Emilee would much rather put on the heels and have a cosmo. Not I sir, give me a pint of guinness and a pub with live music and I'm set for life. I find clubs annoying as hell. I'd gladly never go again. The whole thing is just raunchy and fake. I just get the icky feeling that everyone goes to be seen, not to have fun. And I'd like to shake the underagers. Let's go someplace where we can all just jump around like losers to weird old music the cool kids hate. Please?

Storytime:
On my way to the university I was driving in the middle of nowhere like I do everyday. The sun was shinning, obviously it was a beautiful day. All of a sudden the car ahead of me slows down. That's strange, I thought, he's not following anything.... JUST THEN A HUGE TERADACTYLE BIRD SWOOPS IN FRONT OF THE CAR. The thing was massive and almost got hit. It was literally the size of a ten year old child with the wingspan. As Abbee would say, just like a bat out of hell. I think it was a turkey vulture or something for sure. I just sat in my car slightly stunned, kinda shrugged and thought about how weirder things have happened. Which is strange in itself because normally I'd scream. It must have been a very zen day. One time when I was driving home from work in the dark I saw a wolf by the side of the road. No one believed me though, they said it was a dog. That was no dog my friends. Coyote, maybe. But not dog. That time I did kinda scream. Screaming by yourself is a very strange thing because you realize that it's pointless and no one can hear you. So, you kinda stop halfway through and then you're just happy that no one heard your pathetic half scream.

This is for my lovely friend who asked me to write something for her morning tea ritual. My love, in a way we just had tea together as I just finished my last sip of sweet milky peppermint. lol Have a fantastic day and goodluck on that exam! You'll do fine so no sweat okay? I am dead tired though, I hope this was somewhat satisfying. I'm a tad delirious so i appologize for any incohesiveness. It's me afterall.

Much love

Circle a, b, c, a and b, b and c, all of the above, or none of the above

I have a slight problem. I realized as I began my exam that I viewed it more as a game than a serious academic test. My inner monologue as I turned over the test started along the lines of..."Isn't it nice that this is kinda like a game of Trivial Pursuit?....Wait a minute, that's kinda fucked up. This is worth something important, you better focus dolt." Comparing a final to a trivia puzzle in a car ride companion is just NOT a good idea. It's sick. I better take the next one more seriously, it's even harder and there's three times as much material. And I officially hate choosing between b and c, a and b, all of the above and none of the above. That's a mind game and I don't see how it's not a trick when more than one can be right. They say pick the one that's "more right." "More right" is a stupid term. And now I'm blathering about exams and it's making me angry and so I digress. Angry is not the way I want to end today.

After the exam I wandered around the bookstore with my ipod going through tables of bargain books and discount text books. I was just killing time. But it was nice to finally have time to kill and do nothing but stare at book titles. I couldn't help but begin cursing the lack of time I had to actually sit down and read them. It was ironic. I could only speculate as to whether or not I "might" enjoy one if I had the time to read it. I've added a book about Josephine Bonaparte to my list of "I will read one day I swears"

I went to work. They forgot to buy me groceries for cooking class. Luckily, someone ran out and did. (Thank you, it was much appreciated). The only recipe in the book was for Kraft dinner. This would not hold the hour time spot. So I got out the celery, peanut butter, raisins, coconut and sunflower seeds so we could make bugs on a log. it was the only moment of genius I had all day. Delicious healthy food for my little lovelies. Then, genius me, I decided to treat them to hot chocolate and one little girl spilled on her tummy and cried cause it was hot. I felt like a complete idiot and totally responsible for her crocodile tears. I still feel awful. I deserve lashings for that one, poor baby. You deserve a present much better than anything I can think of right now. The other mothers probably think I'm a moron. I'll make it up to them next week somehow. After that fiasco the little boy who was supposed to be observed by mom, Mr. Disruptive, he came to class and decided not to stay. His mom said he was probably embarassed. That's it. I've humiliated a child into fearing my class. I encouraged him to come back next week but again I feel like dirt. He can't really help that he is surrounded by people who use terrible language, the kid is sponge. Adults should be punished for the way children behave, children only need to know better and learn WHY IT'S WRONG. UGH.

On top of it all I've got pains in my abdomen and I've cut back on vices. I'm developing a tick as we speak.
But my goodfriends Advil Liquigels and Peppermint Tea are here. We're going to listen to some angry-rocker-chick-almost-feminist-but-much-more-baddass music and chill.

I still feel awful.

Procrastination and Dead Theatre

Productivity is at an all time low. Well that's not completely true. I have been "studying" all day and I managed to highlight two chapters of my living theatre text book. Most of what I learned I already knew or just reinforced which I guess is what I'm supposed to do but honestly, when I took this midterm I got like 95 or something and barely studied. Which is either a compliment to my very enthusiastic prof or just proof she needs to make the content deeper. Probably a combination of both. Upon reflection I highlighted things not even covered in the exam but things I took to personal heart like the fact that "Living Theatre" is a terrible name for a book about subject matter that is put into dead words and best learned by actually witnessing a work of performance art. A book is not living, it's just words about a moment in time we can't capture because it happened so long ago. Note to Wilson and Goldfard, your title is lying and should be revised to something like "This is what we think but we really don't know cause everyone in this book is worm food and didn't have a cam corder." I hate speculating about something I wish I could see in the moment. So as I tried to imagine what kind of rules and aestetic movements the first actors who followed Stanislavski put into practice I ended up highlighting points about Sweeney Todd orignially being a play that ended in Sweeney shooting Mrs Lovett before throwing her into flames. And I also made notes about Brecht and Wagner (Wagner was an anti semite who believed in German supremacy and Hitler adored him but we don't tell high school kids that part about "classic opera" do we?) This really has nothing to do with the exam. Burlesque didn't mean the same thing it does today for instance. It was about farce and sketch comedy. Go figure. A famous black actor named Ira Aldridge played at Convent Garden in the 1800s and was loved across Europe. The first paid female playwright was actually a spy for Britain, a bisexual in 17th centruy England, and wrote about a prostitute who pulled a gun on her two-timing lover. Alas the prostitute doesn't pull the trigger because the play would never have been commissioned with this ending but the playwrights point comes across nicely. Aphra Behn you were ahead of your time.

All the while today I managed to read 3 years worth of my favourite blog in archives and listen to my new music on repeat. OH and I caught another episode of Wife Swap on daytime satellite shite. Beautiful stuff, pop culture at its finest. Productive? In a way, sure. Am I scared about this exam? Not really, no. Should I be? If I was a normal student then, yes.
This past weekend I had an accomplishment of my own. I finished off a bottle of blackberry merlot within 2 hours and lived to tell the tale. Kudos to my liver. I'll make a rock star of you yet.
My body hates me. I've been feeding myself steak for 2 days straight because we have scarcely anything else to eat. The left overs are ridiculous. Normally I stick to a strict diet of veggie pizza, sushi, veggie taco salad and apples. Anymore red meat and I'm likely to moo. Good god I hope my mom brings home some spinach pizza soon. I'd grocery shop myself but I havn't the funds. I only work these days to pay off cell phone bills and internet orders. I;ve gotten good at making the grunge look work. What people don't know is that the jeans with holes and old band t shirts are the staple because they have to be. You're all being fooled.

Speaking of work tomorrow, I teach cooking class and a mother is sitting in on my older class. This little boy keeps using words like gay and retard out of context and I can't have it anymore. For two weeks I've pulled him aside, expained why he's being disruptive, sat him out and even gone through the social consequences of using such words. Nothing works. Normally I'd lead a dramatic exploration of social issues where we put ourselves in the shoes of the oppressed but its an hour class and I havn't the time. It's what I'm trained to do. But damn it's harder than it looks. Just how do you begin to explain to a nine year old that gay is not a synonym for stupid? It's tough. It's a can of worms. I can't just say we don't say that BECAUSE. Ignorance reinforces ignorance. So next best thing, mom comes in and observes. I hate to scare someone into submission but I'm at a loss.

Random: Morissey is alive? And making music? Wtf. It sounds the same as it did in the eighties. Sad, sad, silver fox I love you. Which reminds me that my directing prof (who is a dashing Russian/British silver fox), gave the entire class As and left the country.... HA Take that university of Windsor. Thats what you get for not informing the poor old guy of his responsibilities as a prof. We didn't have a final paper and our final performance was a work in progress where we read from script. Mind you it was the only script we had alllll semester. "Sveetheart," he said, "Don't meeeess your target, you could act, you just need to find your inner vitch" I think he meant bitch. Oh Daniel, if you only knew... Farewell my friend.

Summer plans: 1. Find a house for next year. My house is too small for me. The guilt of coming and going and making a mess for everyone is ridiculous. I'd hate me too if I were them. 2. Go to Stratford. Maybe enlighten myself with a show but mostly drink beer and bask in a small underground alternative scene 3. Go to Toronto, maybe pride, wear something outrageous, feel at home, and stay. 4. Do something with potential artistic energy. Not sure what. I'd settle for selling jewllery on my lawn.

Dead theatre calls. So does my bed. What to do... I think you know.
Much love.