Two face

There are two sides of me right now. I feel a little like I'm pulled in two very different directions. If I follow one direction I stay in the same place, a limbo. There is possibility of change in this place but it's unlikely. It's a place I could stay for years, a place I've been in for years without movement. Like a line dance, back and forth, you move around side to side but always stop and start in the same exact place. In that place I have nothing to loose but nothing to gain. And that part has been made clear to me, explictiy, it is not as assumption. But there on the other side is something new, something growing on me. I'm hestitant and cautious to go there. It's scary and new and I'm not sure of myself. I don't want to loose myself. I'm more afraid of things going well than bad. If things go well nothing can last because I don't intend to stay here. Dead end. If I'm attatched I lose. Nothing can come from anything, doomed from the start. But now, right now it feels pretty good. For now I'm just going to do what feels good now and fuck whatever happens. Worst thing that can happen, I face plant again. I kinda feel like taking a risk. Wouldn't it be nice to split yourself in half, take both roads, see what happens, maybe eventually choose just one or always keep both.

Maybe I'm selfish. It's nice to be wanted. And god he's pretty. And nice. What is that?