A ring around the roses

Here goes nothing.

I'm afraid that I'm losing some of my close friends. I've had this group of friends since high school and I feel more and more like we're drifting apart. We used to have fun just hanging out and talking, going for drives, watching movies but I'm having trouble connecting lately. When we go out, I'm not really interested in where they want to go. This is really difficult to put into words because I love them. Sometimes I feel like they try to force me to do what they want. I guess I just wish they were a little more considerate. Just the other day they called a cab and left me and another girl to pay for it. There was a group of at least six people that went out that night and three of us paid for cabs. In high school I wasn't extremely close with many girls, I wasn't really part of the clique, although it seemed that way I'm sure. I had very little in common with any of the girls I grew up with. They were all gorgeous, athletic blonde girls who dated whoever they wanted. So, when I felt like the girls didn't understand me I thought boys might. There were boys who were funny, who had a similar senses of humor, liked art and music and didn't care for sports. More importantly these boys weren't interested in using me like a select few did in ways I wasn't ready for. Boys who liked girls couldn't be trusted because every single one I had tried to befriend weren't interested in being my friend unless they wanted something else in return, which usually led to a shaky self esteem and a cold mistrust of most men in general.

I think it happens every few years. People shift a little, change, regroup. I'm starting to feel like this group I'm separating from are nice when they want something and our interests are drifting once again. The friends I find myself really enjoying are funny, interested in music, books, art, like travelling, are hard working, and really fair. The people I find myself wanting to spend time with are people that posess some quality I am inspired by. Either their heart, their ambition, their strength or their generosity draws me to them daily. Sadly, these friends I am losing touch with aren't displaying many of these qualities. I know they love me but more often than not I feel ever so slightly dissappointed in their harsh words and outlooks. So often they put their personal agendas ahead of, and sometimes at the expense of other people in our group. I guess it just boils down to negative energy. Again, this is hard to put into words because my feelings are so conflicted.

I suppose I don't need to worry too much about it since I feel that my life is going to change drastically in the next year. I'm on the verge of graduating and becoming a real adult outside the comfort of the home I have known for 22 years. I think the people that I need and value will stay by, that's how I will know who belongs in my life. If things go on and they're still around then I'll know. For better or worse I'll know something.

I will close this by adding one random thought. Lately someone said something along the lines of how I should forward to falling in love, that it's the greatest thing in the world, blah blah blah. Oh-kay. Listen here. I'll say it again. You don't wait around to fall in love. You make that shit happen. Everyday I find something to fall in love with a little. Something new, something old. Songs, babies, people, art, flowers, my left leg, anything I normally take for granted. So eff you people who say I'm not living because I'm not in love, because no one is on love with me. You say you have one great love, well I fall in love over and over again every single fucking day.

I love you so much.
Always yours,
Francesca