2+0+0+9=11

If you add up the numbers of the new year you get 11. Isn't that a lucky number? I think so? I know that at 11:11 you are supposed to make a wish. I always do. Wishing on the new year seems appropriate. 2008 was a terrible year for so many people I know. And for me, I relate. BUT, in ways it was one of the best years too. In many ways, I don't know what to make of it at all. Sometimes I want to forget it ever happened. When all is said and done, I think I learned a lot. I experienced a lot, and am better all around for it. I'm glad it's over. I don't think I've ever had such emotional turmoil within a twelve month time span. So, let's recap. Here are some of the low points from the year:

The Lows:
- one of my best friends left for Australia and I miss her terribly
- The university decided to take away my loan right before Christmas and I had to surrender money I had saved for almost a whole year
- I was backstabbed, betrayed and emotionally broken by someone I thought I trusted, who I thought was different, better. Now I don't know if I can ever trust anyone like that again even though we're still friends.
- I learned to never make myself vulnerable again.
- This summer was one of the worst ever. Mostly work and no play. Stress, headache and very little adventure.
- One of my best friends lost her mom. I can't imagine what she went through. It put a lot in perspective. Good and bad.

The Highs:
- I got a promotion at work, I got a second new job and have been working really hard
- First semester I got all As
- Four Amanda/Dresden Dolls concerts which effectively changed my outlook on life
- I found new music. This is always major
- I learned how to play the ukulele
- I went to BC and found the mountains and fresh air
- I danced in public and met strangers who became friends

Mainly I learned there are many kinds of love. It's messy, it's complicated, it's always in flux. Lines between love and hate are thin, and often the reasons we love people are the same reasons we hate them. It's not easy, it isn't fun and it hurts. It's uncontollable even when unwanted. There are no rules. People can consistently treat you horribly, ignore you, make you feel like dirt and we can consistently put our hearts through hell for them. I can't help people if they won't let me. It's exhausting giving 100 when you're barely getting 50. This is now in the past. The majority of hurt has callused. People always tell me I should turn my back on the situation completely. It's not an option. I don't turn my back. It's a good reminder none the less.

A lot can change in a year. I still have faith that things will work out if you believe it, if you make good things happen. You are miserable if you choose to be, if you refuse to realize that life is short and we deserve a balance of work and play. I have no more time for people who are satisified looking for attention for being miserable and refuse to talk about it. What they are looking for can only be found by themselves.

So here is my wish, outloud because I'm not going to be superstious and hopefully make it all happen by myself. In the next twelve months I wish to travel and see things, and do everything I can to make myself feel good inside and out. That's all. And if at the end I feel heartbroken again and learn for it, it's okay because I know it will probably be for the best. We never stop learning. One more summer of camp is left, this time I know what to expect. I'll be done school come December and start more adventures in places away from here.

Happy New Year
Happy Fresh Start