Breathe and Smile

I didn't go out this weekend. I worked for seven hours at a wrestling tournament. Basically I stood with a walkie talkie and an ice pack just waiting for someone to get hurt. The stress level was ridiculous. There was no EMS standing by! We always have medics around for skating competitions but wrestling dosen't??? Luckily I only saw a few bruises and pulled muscles. Apparently someone broke their collar bone before I got there. No offence to people who wrestle but it just doesn't look very appealing, and way too dangerous. I can't imagine not swearing at someone the moment they touched me. I'd probably bite someone if they trie to pin me to the ground. There's no way in hell you'd ever catch me in the one peice spandex disaster either. Skating dresses are another story altogether, it's really not the same at all. They have sequence and lace. I can deal with that. Wrestlers don't get to wear the most hideous shades of red and pink lipstick either. Clown makeup is half the fun. I'll take my no contact girly sport anyday.

My sister got back on the train to go back home today. I'm jelous. I would love nothing more than to get on a train to Toronto right now, espeically with the weather the way it is. I love trains, maybe because everytime I've been on one I've been going someplace exciting, maybe because you can see lots of things along the way, maybe I just love getting the section of four seats in the back corner. I can pretty much find my way around the city and I could always explore some more. I always find the most stellar underground shopping. lol Last time I found a store in a basement that sold retro musical theatre memorabilia. The black market has great shopping too. I'll have to go back this summer for sure, get some really cheap second hand stuff. Aw, I can't wait. I dream about running away everyday. Alone or not, I'd go far away live in an old house, have a part time job and spend the rest of my days starting over, creating art and drama and music. Hells yeah. That, or join the circus. Seriously how sick would that be??!! I'd do it. I think I'm drawn to the lifestyle because of the Portuguese gypsy blood. No lie. Grandma says so. Dad plays accordian, he's got it too.

I found out Francesca means white dove. I'm not sure how to relate this to myself yet, or if I can. I like another translation better...free. That's more me I think...

I like my hair today. I like my boobs too, I do. They're not too big right now, and my hands, despite the deep cuts around my thumbs that tell me I'm stressed out. They let me know when it's time to just let go. I like how I'm only wearing a little bit of makeup and I smell like vanilla. It's a good day. My grandmas magnolia trees are white and blooming across the street and I'm going to study on my front porch, with some orange pekoe. Sounds like a plan kids.

I can't stop listening to Nicole Atkins. She is just wonderful.

"Maybe if I paid attention I could learn to love the landscape I was born too..."
I know what you mean my dear.

Time to study. I'm still stressed but at least I slept better last night. Two night ago was awful. I kept waking up sweaty and panicky. It wasn't fun at all. I take comfort in knowing that no matter what happens Tuesday it'll all be over. I can't decide if the first thing I'll do will be get completely wasted or meditiate. Truly. I miss tai chi. I can crane like no other mo fo. "Just breathe and smile," he used to say.
Breathe and smile...