"Put the gun down honey!"

Funeral march

2010-04-03T11:39:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard House of the Rising Sun played on an accordion that sounds like a pipe organ?
It's a funeral march. And it's playing through my house right now.
Dad bought a new amp.

OH. Wait. We're onto a polka.

Yesterday Joanna and I sat by the river and had wine and grapes and hummus. Everyday should be like that. Then I won at Mario Kart for the first time. It's a dangerous thought but a little bit of alcohol seems to make everyone a little better at everything. I'll stand by that for now.

Happy Easter

The devil makes me want it.

2010-03-31T21:59:00.000-07:00

I thought summer was my favourite season. I was wrong.

Spring is so much better. Not only does it promise three months of heat, it brings life to the dead. It makes us shed our tightly knit skin and suddenly we find ourselves enjoying cool breezes and warm light directly against the exposed under-layer. It's a feeling I've forgotten for three whole months. Three whole months of blistering wind that catches between the cracks of the biggest scarf, wind that burns the fingers bright red and raw. Finally, I can enjoy walking and not worrying about slipping on the ice, if snow will melt through my shoes or if I forgot my hat somewhere in my car. I can eat, read, and nap outside and break out of the monotonous cocoon that is my house.

Hooray for planning a summer of concerts and adventures across the border.

Congrats to Lisa who finds spring has sprung a new and exciting future as a teacher.

Cheers to those of us who are graduating in a few weeks. I know better is coming, I just wish I was sure about when.

Thank goodness my play is over. Thank goodness all went well but damn it for making me more confused than before. I went into the audition process with something to prove to myself. I've never done a play. Not a real one with lines. Okay, that last statement contradicts the last four years of my education but you know what I mean Mack. Shouldn't a drama major be in at least one play? Anyways, mission complete, all is well but with that under my belt I have no excuse not to do it again, right? Huh.

I have two more papers and one more exam before April 22nd. Thats all. All I can think about is lolla and more oncerts, tattoos, adventures, picnics and planes. I want to stand in the rain, knee deep in the mud and hear music. It's like when you cry and laugh at the same time and you want it to last forever so you try to make that mental picture, because you know it might never happen exactly that way ever again.

God damn the sun. The devil makes me want it.
I've said it before, trouble is a friend.

And I love it.

Once upon a time...

2010-02-25T21:29:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there was a girl named Scary Poppins who loved the little children despite their firery hate for her. To add to her sadness, they even made up a little song that wished her disappearance forever.
She cared for two little boys and a baby girl. In the mornings she would wake up with them at 7:15, an ungodly hour for anyone to endure, and make them their favourite breakfast. Three different kinds of cereal, two different kinds of milk and two different kinds of toast cut two different ways.
Scary Poppins changed them when they were messy, let them watch television for hours, coloured whatever pictures they asked for and even let them paint with their fingers when mom had gone to bed. Sometimes she even went away when they asked to be left alone, which was often. And even stranger than that she even played hockey with them despite her dislike for slapshots directed at her face.
One day the youngest of the three left Scary a lovely surprise and pooped all up her back. Of course this was no fault of the baby but the little boys ran away screaming "Oh no! We don't want to smell the poop!" They would not get a bag for the dirty clothes. So Scary had to get covered in baby poo while she ran around with the poor dirty baby, trying to take off her clothes without covering the rest of the house in poo too.
Then the oldest little boy wanted to play video games. Scary said he had already played for an hour and she feared he would become a zombie. He replied, "If you say no I'll scream at you." To which a tired Scary Poppins said, "Oh yeah? Me too."The little boy slammed down his hockey stick and Scary placed it high upon a shelf along with the video game, and that was the end of that."
When the little boy's mother awoke from her sleep he told her that Scary was an evil witch who refused to give him the right kind of milk in the morning. his mother laughed and told him he needed to trust the kindness of Scary Poppins. Scary was surprised at his claims and thought that maybe she should have let him eat one of her tampons when he demanded to have it as a snack an hour before. But then, she'd be out of a job.

The end.

Cleaning House

2010-02-09T20:42:00.000-08:00

Hello insomnia and tea and lovely quiet snow. Hello moon.
Greetings from the day that has been a beautiful blur of nothing imparticular.
Today is the day of Joanna Newsom.
I woke up around 10, listened to Joanna Newsom sing like a muppet baby, took an apple bath, cleaned the house while dancing in my pjs. I did the laundry, vaccumed the floor and thought, "No matter what else is a mess, my carpet is clean." And then I laughed at myself for being in the gutter.
You see, I felt a mess because the university emailed this morning to say they had declined my application for a bursary. They said I don't qualify for financial need. I told them I have about 200 dollars in the bank. I wanted to cry but I washed the floor. Instead of calling someone about it, I bleached the toilet. I couldn't change it. But I could make myself some curried veggies and rice for lunch. I could eat that all day, rehearse my lines for the play and listen to Joanna Newsom read my mind:

And I regret, I regret

How I said to you, "honey, just open your heart"
When I've got trouble even opening a honey jar
And that right there is where we are...

And I been 'fessing double fast
Addressing questions nobody asks
I'll get this joy off of my chest at last
And I will love you 'til the noise has long since passed

Beauty.
So, I almost forgot about school and I touched base with friends who loathe the snow, I took a nap, and dreamed about skating.

For maybe the first or second time in my life I think I'm going to do the logical thing in my life. I am going to go and work abroad to make money for teachers college. I am going to pay off my debt and not worry about being rejected for bursaries. Instead of working and studying at the same time I'm going to try and work and live a little. A little different life. The dream hasn't changed but the road will be longer. In the end though, what's meant to be will find a way and everyone I need, who need me, will be waiting.
I'll miss people. But the practical answer is starring me in the face. No one is worrying about leaving me behind. I have to worry about me a little and I have to stop worrying about people who don't worry about themselves.
Thank you University of Windsor for not worrying about me. You're right, I don't need your help. I have 200 dollars in the bank and I'm going to be just fine. For now, at least my carpet is clean.
;)

Finger she

2010-02-09T19:25:00.001-08:00

Can I keep your fingers?
Would you trade them for my bottom lip?
Would you trade them for my left ear?
Would I own those loops and swirls,
your only defining stamp, secretly singing your name...
my name.
I'd slip them under the hurt,
Hide them under the dirt,
Under the skirt.
I'll slip them into the earth

Let me reclaim, what lets you hang on

Can't I plant your fingers?
I'll bury them in the garden
I'll slip them under the dirt
I'll plant them under the snap dragons and kiss them goodbye for good

Taught

2010-01-06T19:59:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/user/amandapalmer?blend=2&ob=4#p/u/16/0W25uK-TETU

I still owe this girl a lot.
I hope she can forgive me for doubting her.
I could probably be comfortable if I had to walk through times square naked and it's a freedom I was taught, not born with.

And another for good measure,

http://www.youtube.com/user/amandapalmer?blend=2&ob=4#p/u/13/k73IQ9fXah8

I am so excited for this year to get started.

I'm going to part of a show, a deep show, a heavy show about kids with disabilities in an institution. Whether I'm acting, in production, large part or small I'm not sure yet. But I don't care. You can't buy the kind of community feeling that comes from production. I can't wait to get some of that back. It's been years. And it has meaning for young people. I am so fucking stoked about this show right now. It only took me five years to get to this point and finally want to be a part of something at school. Better late than never.

Dear 2010,
I don't have an official resolution but things seem to be slowly working in my favour, so I promise:
To wear pants as little as possible.
Keep a healthy amount of scandal at arm's length.
Be good to my sisters.
Learn one more song on my uke baby.
Become a professional pin up girl ;)
And talk to more strangers.

<3

WTF VIBRATOR COMMERCIAL!

2010-01-04T22:32:00.000-08:00

My sister is getting married next fall. She's been engaged for a week. In a terrible effort to convince myself that this is not a sign of us growing up I have regressed ever so slightly. Isn't 21 and getting married stranger than 22 and not? 22 and not done school, 22 and not sure what career is right, 22 and planning the next tattoo rather than china pattern.
Abbbee is 18. She votes for tattoo. 2 vs. lots. That's the only convincing I need.

So let's be young. Well, young-er, (young-is)h and make lists of the things we love most in the world. Things we love because we don't have to think about houses and marriage and kids and mini vans and little league. Abbee is going to help me. Consider this my tribute to starting the new year off by reminding myeslf of what makes me the best version of myself.

She'll ask the questions or give me a topic and I'll just be honest.

First, general things we are thankful for:
Loose tea leaves, coffee at midnight, our puppy, antique medical instruments, girls in red lipstick, movies about superheros (mostly batman movies), waking up to snow, full moons, singing Meatloaf, sushi dinners.

We both actually just agreed together that we love magic. We were raised in a house that encouraged believing in things that no one else did. I don't know how to describe the kind of magic we're talking about. It's like...when you feel an emotion so strong you feel like it's the strongest extreme of that feeling you've ever had and it's a little surreal. That surreal feeling in the moment, like seeing something that makes you stop breathing for a second, like smelling something you remember from a dream. It's deja vu. The small and few times you think that the universe has a plan and god is at work and maybe humans are more than accidents floating around. It's like....seeing your favourite band in the front row and getting your mind blown.

Next year I want more time outside. I miss BC and the mountains and the trees as wide as houses. I want Abbee to be here for the summer. I want to have just as much fun in Chicago, and if possible, more.

If I could give anyone a little advice for a happier year it would be, take more bubble baths. Listen to more music before bed. Write. About anything. Eat more fruit and choclolate, together. Fall in love with yourself. Know that all inspiration is just stolen, art is a combination of other people's ideas and don't be afraid to take from everywhere and everything. See some live art (music, theatre). Travel, but don't spend money. Talk to strangers. Eat weird food.
Do whatever you want.

OMG THERE IS A COMMERCIAL FOR A VIBRATOR ON TV RIGHT NOW. wtf.

anyways

In short and in closing, I just want to once again point out how happy I am that I don't have to plan a wedding. The next major event I get to plan is a road trip to Toronto to see a girl about a tattoo. No invitations to design, no money to burn on a white circus tent, just tea and concerts and game boards and weird food.

Here comes the insomnia. Bring on the herbal tea and honey.

Far

2010-01-03T22:58:00.000-08:00

So,

I know I'm a tough broad who doesn't need shit from nobody but I am all over the place.
I miss my best friend. He's gone, living it up on the other side of the world for 12 days and it's really making me more pathetic by the second. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to admit it.
It's just that at least 3 times a day for the past three days I have had to stop myself from picking up my cell and texting him about some current event, something from my own day or just something stupid funny that I would usually tell him. I've considered making a list of everything or storing all the internet links I want to share in some kind of file for the next week but it's slightly over the top.
I had another very close friend who lived in Australia for a year and that was very difficult. I think it's the idea of them being so far that if anything were to happen I don't know what I would do. It's a feeling of helplessness. And the absolutely stupid thing is that while they are away they are having a fantastic time and I am worrying about nothing. But, at the same time he's all alone and I knew my other friend had a network of friends she trusted and seemed like total sweethearts to take care of her. He adores strangers. I love that he loves talking to just about anyone but it also scares the shit out of me a little bit.
It's a selfish kind of fear too that makes me jealous of all the new friends they make. I hope this is pyschotically normal. Being jealous makes me feel like a crazy person. At the same time I want them to make the most out of life and take whatever opportunity possible, whether it includes me or not.

To keep myself busy the meantime I have to throw myself into work and learn how to make peanut butter filled cupcakes...

This is where I am

2009-12-08T21:39:00.000-08:00

Hello universe. December ninth has just begun and the snow is falling in sheets outside my window. It's dark but the sky is pink from the city lights trapped under the clouds.

Here I am sitting in my yellow bedroom, my own personal "heroin den." My bed is made up of two quilts made from scraps circa 1950-something and two comforters that weigh my body down at night. The more blankets, the better I sleep. I think the pressure relaxes me. I am drinking cold peppermint tea and my book of Canadian poetry is begging me to read it, ashamed that I ignored it all day with an exam on Sunday. Hanging from the ceiling are my dried roses, and a lush red one painted by Dali is just to the right. The Beatles, dancing girls, eight foot brides, Matt and Kim's bloody hands, Amanda Palmer's corpse, a sexy mime and my Nana on her wedding day are part of this gallery I have created. My half bottle of whiskey is teasing me across the room and directly beside it, a picture of my kids reminds me I have to get up before the sun to see them in the morning. But right now, I love this space. It reminds me that my coming of age is finished, thank god. This is me. Butterflies, pencil sketches, a Curious George pillow and a comforter of great pink elephants. I wish I could show you the gargoyle candle holder I made in the twelfth grade and the picture of my sister and I with the Easter bunny when we were four and three.

I love this room. Sometimes it's for me, sometimes it's for more, but not tonight. Tonight it's all for me.

The snow is turning into rain and my tea is gone. Bed time kids.

Love.

I just wanted to tell you...

2009-12-07T22:17:00.000-08:00

I want to write but I don't know what to say. I want to talk about money and the future and dreams but I feel like that's all I ever talk about. These three things are tied together and one cannot live without the other. This triangle makes me sadder than I can ever say.

I want to talk to someone about how Christmas annoys me, how I wish people behaved the way they do in December all year long but I feel as though it would be a rant and I don't want to go to an angry place. I love Christmas, I love giving presents but I dread January when the world forgets that it's really all in love.

I want to tell you how deeply I believe in love and how rare I think it is. I want to tell you how much I hate it and how I'll be fine if I'm on my own for the rest of my life. I am all I need and the freedom that comes with this is an exciting alternative. The real truth is that I'm far too young to worry about such things. The real truth is that it's nice to be wanted. The real truth is a tiny silly and stupid part of me wants to be okay with being totally independent and thinks I should start prepping now. Just in case.

I want to tell you that I have no money, that I decided not to take a loan out this semester and today I paid off the rest of it on my own, with no help. I am happier than I was when I had more money than I needed for bills and a new dress. I want to tell you how grown up I feel today. I am dead broke poor and totally content with myself.

I'm going to share something my friend shared with me. "Hell is other people." This is true, but today I have decided that heaven is too.

Things are good here in limbo where we work to get by. I officially registered for my last three university classes today. Graduation in April. And then all the adventure I can or can't handle. Finally.

Much love

Waking up happy

2009-11-10T07:47:00.000-08:00

I woke up yesterday and the first thing I thought of was. "I have nothing to be upset about. Nothing to dread, nothing to be angry about, nothing to be afraid of." That is a fantastic kind of happy. I suggest everyone wake up like this as often as possible. On the other hand though, I do not want to wake up this way everyday. Too much satisfaction will only bore you. Freddie Mercury actually once sang that too much love will kill you, just as sure as none at all.

I love being in three classes. I love not having to get up super early everyday. I love working desk shifts at night and having my weekend nights free. I love getting up early only on Wednesdays to see my favourite kids and I love having two houses to rely on for very different reasons.

But like Freddie says, it cannot last and of course it shouldn't. Come January, my favourite children are moving away for a year, I might have to start job hunting, and of course snow will be here sans the Christmas anticipation. When you're a student you're life seems to revolve around your school schedule and every comfortable cycle is broken every three months. It's frustrating and refreshing all at the same time. It's nice to be able to rely on change. I suppose it's better than the kind of unexpected change that throws you off guard.

I guess I just hope there is at least one single morning in January where I can wake up and feel like I did yesterday, that's all.

Also, HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY LISA MARIE MACKINNON. I would not have made it through the crazy last three years of my life without you. They have been the most insane so far, probably for both of us, and I honestly cannot imagine what it would have been like without you to go insane with.

Much love

I won scrabble tonight ;)

2009-10-09T23:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, especially late at night, I wish God could talk back.

I have a lot of questions.

Tonight my fortune cookie said, "You project the kind of confidence that strengthens others." I've been told I'm a confident girl. I do, wear, go and say as I please not to suit anyone but myself.
But is it confidence or armor? I believe it's confidence but can't help wondering if it's partially created to keep everything at arm's length. Is that what strength is though? Does it mean you keep your distance from the beginning or does it mean you recover quickly after the fall? Probably both.

I think it's best to stop here and sleep. Nothing more can be done for today, best to move onto tomorrow.

P.S. I won Scrabble tonight :)

Goodnight Lisa, I hope you don't have a hangover tomorrow.

Where the Wild Things Aren't

2009-10-09T08:06:00.000-07:00

On Wednesdays when I babysit I usually suggest story time to the kids. Our personal favourites include The Hound From The Pound, Meecat Mail and Curious George in the Big City. Recently, I beg them to let me read Where The Wild Things Are. The words are so simple, and the text is short and direct but somehow the words play to your heart. "Please don't go, we'll eat you up, we love you so." This was my favourite part growing up. I always giggled, thinking how silly they were to want to eat up that which you love the best. Now I know it's love so fast and deep that it can be violent and careless.

I bought the wild thing soundtrack for the upcoming movie. It features one of my very favourite female musicians, Karen O. The choir of children that accompany her create the essence of childhood built upon the bones of play and laughter. Wednesday night I was driving home from Harrow back to my Windsor home. I was listening to the cd and thinking about my day and wild things and very suddenly I started to laugh. I couldn't help but realize how much my day had paralleled the book. Earlier I told a friend that I would love to sail away on an imaginary island and dance and play all the time to which they answered, "You have, you do." It's true, I had spent the day with my own little monsters who were wild to say the least. I have the baby induced neck scratches to prove it. Even in Windsor home I have the freedom of a wild thing, to do and go as I please.

What was even funnier to me was how I spent the evening. At the end of the book Max smells good things to eat and sails away home where someone loves him best and his dinner is waiting, still hot. After I babysat I decided to go home. Even though I'm 22 years old dinner was waiting. What I love best about the book is the simple act of dinner waiting, "still hot." It's so subtle. Max isn't met by dramatics and tears and hugs to make us all feel that our own home life in inadequate. It's so much like my house too! It's not one of those homes that overwhelms you with spoiling hugs and kisses. You are responsible for you and we tend to have the occasional healthy disagreement. It's lucky just to have a place to go to so easily. I know it's rare and after being away the last few weeks I appreciate the subtlety. I love having two homes. One I can escape to in the city where I'm free to run wild and small town Harrow home where life is surely less than wild. It's sleepy and reminds me of sweaters and orange leaves. This weekend we're going on our traditional last fall walk and pumpkin shopping spree. ;)

For Halloween I want a Max wolf suit to wear. If I could find one, I promise you I would wear it rather than the skanky tights and corset.

I love the fall.

On solid ground

2009-10-04T20:51:00.000-07:00

I moved. I packed up my things and took up with a friend on an offer to live with him in quiet, southern part of the city where war veterans settled in the 50's. It's so very Leave it to Beaver here. You half expect to see women in aprons and red lipstick vacuuming in heels through neighbors windows. People wave and there are lots of trees and its simple. It's comfortable. But there are no children. There are few. It's where the original version of suburbia went to retire. Our house is tiny and reminds me of the little house sets we had when we were very young. One set of dishes, a few groceries in the pretend fridge, a picture I drew on the wall and one table for two. I'm playing house and my pretend husband would rather be on a date with a handsome young man. I might need to stop relating everything in my life to a game I once played when I was five or I might really need to see a shrink soon.

School has started and I'm enjoying how it occupies my time. It makes me busy, it takes my mind off one million other things. It gives me purpose even when I am stressed. I feel responsible for something and obligated to something that has the feeling of importance that you don't actually care to define. It is what it is if only out of necessity for many future years. I've convinced myself that school needs me when it is actually the other way around. (Not unlike most other things). Class validates me and I am happy to feel like I have a steady footing for the time being.

Everything just feels so serious! Maybe it's the cold weather. Maybe it's because I'm working two jobs and all I can think about is saving money and it's making me practical. PRACTICAL! Of all the things I loathe, practicality has always been high on the ridiculous list. I eat breakfast, I cut on the vices, I go to bed before midnight and I dress according to the weather. But then again I did get the rib tattoo a few weeks ago. All is not lost.

The solution to this week's headache is really quite simple. I will keep eating granola and whole wheat muffins for breakfast, I will make four out of my eight coffees a day decaf, I will only smoke on weekends and I will go to every concert possible. But above all I will sleep in when I can and stay up even later the next night. I think I'm balancing. I'm walking the tightrope in a feathered fedora and sequence black tutu.

Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative. - Oscar Wilde

Note to self: Go an visit your sister(s). Babs is gone away and everything feels empty without her around. In a sense and way, she is one half of one of my selves. And important self that I miss too. Everything seems slightly grey-er without her. Everytime someone goes away I feel like torn paper. I rip off a chunk and let them keep it, or maybe they take it. Anyways, she has the part of the story that involves dancing in the kitchen to meatloaf :)

And in closing, in case you were wondering, after all is said and done for, I still believe in love. (After a 3 month hiatus, it's necessary to say it).

Goodnight, and get here fast.

Card Tricks

2009-07-27T20:08:00.000-07:00

I read my tarot cards last night for fun. Not so fun after all. The rules are that you ask a yes or no question and then lay out seven cards. I wouldn't invest much if the answer weren't so specific. Long story short, all that came up was heartbreak, my disregard for the truth, history repeating itself and the request that I face reality. All right before I go on the first vacation in over a year. Are. you. kidding. me? So what did I decide to do about? Nothing. I'm happy. I'm happy even if I'm being ignorant and in some kind of bliss. Ironically enough I am aware of my inhability to face reality and consciously still choose to do it. Overall things are going well and this week a big life revelation would really throw off my balance. I need everything to be zen until I come home from Chicago. After that fabulous weekend of drinking, music and getting lost in a new city I can shake up my world as much as my little artistically suppressed heart desires.

I cut my hair. It's kind of like a mohawk. I like it. I like not having much hair more. I don't care much what it looks like. As long as it's black and easy to do I'm down.

As far as the rest of my increasingly smaller universe all is well at work, I am still crushing on Robert Smith, I won my first game of scrabble and I desperately want to go camping before the summer is out. I have this unreal dream that I will go somewhere and drink lots of beer and sleep in a tent and remain covered in dirt and comfy clothes and bug spray for a couple days. I want to smell like campfire and sunscreen and eat marshmellow sandwiches for breakfast. And stars. Mostly I just want lots and lots of stars.

Lisa says there are people who have trouble connecting with people and adapting to life on earth because they are angels and don't know it and have Bette Midler eyes. She thinks I might be one. I don't know about being an angel. I doubt my own admittance to heaven from now and then. I think if there are angels they are sadly out of place and restless in a place where people are more worried about what store name is printed across their shirt than making the everyday world an exciting and beautiful place full of colour and love. I want to paint my house purple. I want to have a house full of rusty antiques, christmas lights, victrolas, books and stained glass windows. I want a garden of weeds and a chandelier of broken glass and beads. I want people to stop and listen to the music they hear from inside. It will be the house of flowers, both dead and alive.

Time for bed. I have children to see in the morning.

Here's to your dream house or castle or cloud.

<3

Soon

2009-07-22T13:49:00.001-07:00

You're pathetic for calling me a lazy bitch when I have two jobs and you don't have one. Well you have one but you never, ever go. That's even worse.
You're a hypocrite for calling me a slob when you leave dinner and food all the over the kitchen...overnight.
You're a fool for telling me that I do nothing for the family when I'm constanlty running errands, buying groceries, making trips so you can have a freezie whenever you please.
You're just plain lazy for telling me that I spend most of my time on the computer when 90% of the time I come home from school or work to find you sleeping or watching tv. 10% of the time you're just upstairs smoking in your bathroom.
Yes my room is cluttered. I like it that way. No, I don't have any storage and it's not gross, it's just clean clothes in piles.
Thank you for telling me I can move out whenever and that you won't miss me.
It makes it that much easier to leave.

Soul searching

2009-06-14T20:18:00.000-07:00

Abbee asked me to write something for her history homework. Since this is currently where I save written things I am going to save it here for now. Not sure if I like it. It's a first draft but I think there's something there. Inspired by my present zombie obsession and the fact that I found my grade 12 creative writing portfolio.

My nostrils are aflame with the smell of blood soaked smoke and I choke back the airborne gun powder that clings to my dry throat. I know this is hell because we pray for death. When I’m sleeping, when I think I’m sleeping, I see the dead crawl. They reach and moan and clutch at my boots as I openly cry. But, I am paralyzed. My punishment is that I must stand firm, unable to close my eyes or make a single primal noise from the guttural depths of my instincts. I must stand and face what I have created, I am a witness to the horror of our chaos, I must pay my final respects the world I have set on fire. They promised me glory but all they could offer was dirt. Glorified and adorned in the blood of my peers I stand and regret, I remorse, I beg to the God I am no longer sure of. I ask for forgiveness but realize the ridiculousness of my request. What forgiveness could ever give me back the sanity of a goodnight’s sleep?

A ring around the roses

2009-06-02T20:43:00.000-07:00

Here goes nothing.

I'm afraid that I'm losing some of my close friends. I've had this group of friends since high school and I feel more and more like we're drifting apart. We used to have fun just hanging out and talking, going for drives, watching movies but I'm having trouble connecting lately. When we go out, I'm not really interested in where they want to go. This is really difficult to put into words because I love them. Sometimes I feel like they try to force me to do what they want. I guess I just wish they were a little more considerate. Just the other day they called a cab and left me and another girl to pay for it. There was a group of at least six people that went out that night and three of us paid for cabs. In high school I wasn't extremely close with many girls, I wasn't really part of the clique, although it seemed that way I'm sure. I had very little in common with any of the girls I grew up with. They were all gorgeous, athletic blonde girls who dated whoever they wanted. So, when I felt like the girls didn't understand me I thought boys might. There were boys who were funny, who had a similar senses of humor, liked art and music and didn't care for sports. More importantly these boys weren't interested in using me like a select few did in ways I wasn't ready for. Boys who liked girls couldn't be trusted because every single one I had tried to befriend weren't interested in being my friend unless they wanted something else in return, which usually led to a shaky self esteem and a cold mistrust of most men in general.

I think it happens every few years. People shift a little, change, regroup. I'm starting to feel like this group I'm separating from are nice when they want something and our interests are drifting once again. The friends I find myself really enjoying are funny, interested in music, books, art, like travelling, are hard working, and really fair. The people I find myself wanting to spend time with are people that posess some quality I am inspired by. Either their heart, their ambition, their strength or their generosity draws me to them daily. Sadly, these friends I am losing touch with aren't displaying many of these qualities. I know they love me but more often than not I feel ever so slightly dissappointed in their harsh words and outlooks. So often they put their personal agendas ahead of, and sometimes at the expense of other people in our group. I guess it just boils down to negative energy. Again, this is hard to put into words because my feelings are so conflicted.

I suppose I don't need to worry too much about it since I feel that my life is going to change drastically in the next year. I'm on the verge of graduating and becoming a real adult outside the comfort of the home I have known for 22 years. I think the people that I need and value will stay by, that's how I will know who belongs in my life. If things go on and they're still around then I'll know. For better or worse I'll know something.

I will close this by adding one random thought. Lately someone said something along the lines of how I should forward to falling in love, that it's the greatest thing in the world, blah blah blah. Oh-kay. Listen here. I'll say it again. You don't wait around to fall in love. You make that shit happen. Everyday I find something to fall in love with a little. Something new, something old. Songs, babies, people, art, flowers, my left leg, anything I normally take for granted. So eff you people who say I'm not living because I'm not in love, because no one is on love with me. You say you have one great love, well I fall in love over and over again every single fucking day.

I love you so much.
Always yours,
Francesca

The only girl I've ever loved

2009-05-21T22:23:00.001-07:00

This one goes out to Lisa for being bored and needing something a little pointless to make class go by a little faster on these beautiful pre-summer teaser days. Pre-summer teaser days are the ones that come and go and change from one morning to the very next. You wake up and its sunny and 85 in the shade and the next day its drizzly and 45 for the next three days in a row. Such is the flirty and bitchy spring fling mother nature submits us to after winter hell. Like every smart woman I know, she's a tease.

If you are wondering, dear Mack, why I have not written anything for you and me and the universe in the last month it is because I have been preoccupied with going outside instead of just sitting at the computer for 10 hours a day. A few weeks ago when I could wear t shirts outside I suddenly remembered that I had a body and it liked being outside and moving a bit. Weird. Slowly, I became a human being again rather than a zombie at my computer. It's not that my social calendar is growing but I'm becoming a citizen of the outdoors again. It's so very corny of me but I see simple things like leaves on trees and magnolia flowers and I feel very small and in a way it's a nice feeling. It makes everything that felt so very important a month ago during exams not so important anymore. It reminds me that I take simple things for granted and that maybe someone or something made all those beautoful things because they are just too beautiful to be coincidences. I write about this every spring, see archives of last May. But, this year I am convinced that I cannot live in a place where there is winter for five months. i don't like who I am in the winter and I cannot spend half my life with a person I do not like.

Go listen to In The Areoplane Over The Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel. The whole thing from start to finish and then tell eveyrone else to. They will thank you and be better for it.

http://skary.net/ Go here and laugh at the little children who are so creepy it's adorable. I know as well as anyone just how scary children really are.

This reminds me of an adorable and equally histerical story about adventures in babysitting this week. I walked into a living room the other day to fond two little boys happily pretending to breast feed two dolls. And then they demanded I take off my shirt and feed my own dora the explorer baby they set out just for me. They were not happy when I declined. Tears. I had tears. Gotta love those boys. They have convinced me if I have my own little army of scary kids they should all be sons, sons with black hair and honest minds with honest mouths.

This reminds me that summer is coming along with hundreds of children I've missed and new ones that I'm bound to miss eventually. Camp is proving to be less stressful the second time around and I'm excited that the staff is looking so much better than last year. The themes and field trips are looking fabulous and I can't wait to live like an over worked caffienne addict five days a week. And I even booked my first real vacation that lasts longer than two days. August brings Chicago and Lollapalooza! I can't think about too long or my head starts to spin.

But now, sexy Lisa, I have to sleep. I have to sleep because I'm nervous and tired and strung out on coffee and mostly nervous.

Happy Sexy Spring Fling
Cheers dolls.

April is for lovers

2009-04-18T22:07:00.000-07:00

Today was kinda awesome. I worked for most of the day but I am in love with my job sometimes. Two days out of school and I'm already planning camp. Not only planning camp, but promoting, and deciding on field trips and getting ready for interviews so I can survey new staff. That in itself is exciting because last years staff was painful at best. And I can focus all on work which is the way I love spending my April, truly. And tomorrow I might have date with my friend who is going away. And (that's "and" number three if you're keeping track) I drank beer allllll afternoon with my friends, sitting around in summer temperatures. Three days out of school and it's kind of perfect. I just hope this is the way it is allll summer long. Not to mention I watched Coachella online.

The only thing that could have made things better would be to actually be at Coachella right now, sleeping a tent and loving my little hippie life but that is a tall order so I will take my sunshine and beer and extra work hours and be thankful.

Oh and a warning: Listen to Turbonegro and your ears will bleed. I guarantee it.

Maybe I'm still a little drunk. And (number 4) maybe that's just a little perfect too.

Love alllllll around
<3

I sogged though a fog and a choking smog...

2009-04-14T21:21:00.000-07:00

I have a confession. I didn't really get stressed out this exam season. I didn't really care. I let it pass. There was no way in hell I was going to let it really get to me. The past four years I have freaked out everytime exams came around, lost sleep, gotten sick, shed tears. All for nothing. I always ended up getting good grades but it seems that can just happen without the overwhelming debacle that is the dreaded end of semester. I suppose I just realized that I will really miss school one day. It was a few weeks ago at my roast, drinking with my classmates (something that rarely ever happens) and I became very aware of how this chapter was slowly coming to a close and soon some of these people would be teachers. My whole life I have been a student. I know no other life other than that within a school. Sure, I have my job but school has always been the driving force behind all my important choices. Maybe it's part of the reason I'm dragging my heels. Grades are my bag. I'm not perfect but most of my jollies come in the form of As. I get off on feedback and As circled in bright red. Oh, baby, oh baby.

I got all my grades back for my directed studies. It's a project I have been working on since September. I got all As. Splooge all over. Honeslty, my professor rocks. Due dates are flexible and if you can justify that you learned ANYTHING you get an A. Because really, that's what's important. Anyone can learn what a prof wants them to learn. This fucking class makes you go out there into the world and learn something important for yourself that is relevant to YOU. Which is refreshing considering all people do all their educational lives is bitch about how nothing in the curriculumn is relevant at all. So yes, score one for drama school motherfuckers.

One last thing. Today was a personal win. I had a very small but relevant moment of triumph. The last two days I have spent hours rehearsing for a 15 minute musical presentation for my theatre for young audiences class. I sang 4 songs in 15 minutes and the last one was probably one of the hardest songs I have ever performed. It takes an incredible amount of acting, humor, memorization, stamina, lung capacity and awareness. Everytime I rehearsed I would mess up this section of the song that is sung very quickly, "I sogged through a fog and a choking smog down a sloggy slope through a stinking bog while my slip was gripped by a vicous dog." (its dr. seuss) And fuck yeah I pulled it off today and it was fun and I slayed it. The minute before I stepped onstage I decided to throw every caution to the wind and have a blast. I knew the audience, I was comfortable and relaxed and it was like this one perfect moment. I want to hold onto that one for a while. I have done some really cool shit this semester. I played a pill head in a game board, I devised a piece around the Dresden Dolls and got 94%, I built a dinosaur puppet, I had placement with two amazing groups of ESL students, I took a dance class and inerviewed seniors and performed the lead in our musical exam. So fuck yeah I did a lot and now I deserve one hell of a vacation. That's right, I do.

Random worthwile sidenote: Last night I had a dream one of my best friends was a zombie bunny living in the attic of a haunted house. He changed into my friend again and we just laughed and talked about realistic things like he never had been a rabbit at all. It was weird but I love zombies and bunnies, haunted houses and it really made me laugh.

Goodnight kids.
I am so full of love it's making me sick
<3

Happy One Year

2009-04-12T23:08:00.000-07:00

April 15th this damn thing turns one year old. Didn't think I'd write for a month to be honest. Thought I'd be the only one the read the thing and sure as hell didn't count on it being something I would need from time to time.

I'm not a writer. I've never claimed to be, but I always wanted to be. It was once my ideal career path along with paleontologist, chemist, olympic athlete and archeologist. Apparently I like to dig things up. Just for perspective's sake it's worth mentioning I'm a drama student. It makes sense though, in a way I get to be whatever I want to be. Anyways, I always wanted to be able to write poetry so I practice throwing words around here from time to time.

It's just for fun, it's therapy. I can say things I would never say to anyone and there's a select few who get to read it if they so choose and I don't mind that.

Sidenote: Sexy thing on tv is talking about fantasy home structures. He built a hobbit tree house and I'm a little in love with him. He wants to build tree house bed and breakfasts in BC in the woods. Holy shit, I love you, have my babies, you're adorable.

I digress. I'm tired, I just wrote 7 pages for a final exam I forgot I had. Happy Easter to me lol. I don't mind. It's just a reflection and it's worth hardly anything.

In other news be careful what you wish for. It might multiply by 3. That's ambiguous enough for you I think. But I will say that I'm having trouble making up my mind because each one is special in their own way :)

Thank god for spring and for nice weather. One year later and I'm still on the porch drinking my tea and hoping that a thunderstorm is on the way after a sunny, lazy day.

Love all around
<3

I see a little silhouette-a of a man

2009-04-02T21:25:00.000-07:00

Last night I was roasted by third and second year students. It was kind of amazing. I thought they were going to really rip into me but thankfully they just teased me for being tattooed and pierced, draped in black and for having a fictional relationship with a girlfriend. Everyone was hammered and 40 of us screamed Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of our lungs, a capella. Disaster comes to mind when I watch the video re play. We're lucky though, few people graduate in such a way with their class and younger peers. It's a hysterical and nostalgic way to pick out the best moments during four years of storm and stress. Everyone in my class got into teachers college which is also really and truly amazing and I'm genuinely happy for all of them because I know how hard everyone in that fucking class works. Literally, dreds are like machines and teachers on missions to legit change the world. And no matter what or how close we are personally, in that way we are all connected. I will miss sitting on rubber mats with you kids every time I enter a lecture hall and remember how nice it was to lay on my stomach through an hour and half class without shoes on.

Am I sad that I'm not actually graduating and I can't celebrate my own acceptance and life change? Yes and no. I'd like to be able to come full cirlce with everyone I started with but it wouldn't be right for me at this point in my own life. Just not ready to commit I guess. I've been thinking about that a lot lately and I think it's a bravery thing, or maybe a grown up thing. Hopefully, it happens naturally because I can't imagine sitting myself down and trying to convince myself that it's time to be a grown up with the rest of the world, whatever that means. I have a feeling that next year is going to be really fucking hard to deal with but maybe necessary too.

On a sidenote I went to the lake tonight to watch the lightning and a cop ruined the moment by investigating my suspicious parked car under a streetlight. Lame.

I love you, goodnight.

<3

Here comes a cold

2009-03-23T08:14:00.001-07:00

Saturday was spent emptying my insides of all foreign things. Food was no longer recognizable and rejcted in a painful way while shaking on the floor. My body was so sick of me abusing it that it just went comatose. I slept over 12 hours. And now, I can feel a cold coming on. I havn't been sick in almost a year and now for the first time in god knows when I let myself get worn down to the point where my body can't defend itself as usual.
But it's business as usual. School today, work tonight, assignements due tomorrow. Assignments that my computer destroyed and that I have to completely re-do. I should be freaking out but this is just the way it goes. That's life.

I came to the realization that I'm working my ass off to pay to do a mediocre job in school right now. That's a bullshit cycle that can't be helped. I will be so happy when this bullshit is over and I can go anywhere else and worry about new things. There I will worry about new things, while seeing new things and hopefully find a better balance.

Black and blue

2009-03-18T07:37:00.000-07:00

Somehow I'm standing. I think it's Wednesday but it feels like Monday. Literally, I am living at work. Sunday I worked from 9 am until 7 pm Monday. I've been living off coffee so much that my body doesn't know what to do with solid food and it's making me sick. It sounds crazy but crazier still, I love it. Beautiful children greet me in the morning, they say I love you and hug you and don't care if you didn't shower in the morning. I love it, I love it, I love it. My body is so sore that it hurts to sit, walk and stand up. Last night was St. Patrick's Day celebrations and it was very much needed. I've said it before but there is this perfect state of drunk where you are not sick, just happy and light and loving life despite the fact you know tomorrow comes crashing at 6 am. And what I have to show are the black and blue marks all over my back, shoulders, arms and chest. It's a good kind of sore. Everytime I accidentally touch one I am reminded that it's nice to be 21 and whatever else I want. 21 and a little reckless. 21 and somewhere between caring a lot and not giving a fuck about anything. I'm sitting in class right now but I feel deaf. Listening and hearing is taking 100% more effort than usual. All I can think about is how I'd rather be at camp and tomorrow can't come soon enough so I can spend the whole day just playing. 21 and playing like I'm 6.

My name is Frankee. I'm six years old and my favourite animal is the great pink elephant.

We choose, and that makes us lucky.

2009-03-08T19:52:00.000-07:00

Do not listen to people when they tell you your friends are wrong for you. When all is said and done you are the only one who gets to choose who you spend time with, share with and laugh with. At this age you are old enough to deal with the consequences of your actions. Do what gets you through the day, week and year. Spend time with those you can talk to for hours and those you can be around for hours and not use words at all. Just remember that karma is a real bitch, respect yourself and know that you deserve the same from others. Don't ever put labels on your love or think for a second that you need to fufill some social guideline for friendship that other people follow like game rules. It doesn't matter how often you speak or how long, who opens the door, or whether or not you split the bill. Just always remember that you are the only one you have to spend the rest of your life with so make sure that person is happy first and foremost. You know you have met true life loves when spending time with those people makes you feel more like yourself than the times you are alone. Sadly, others won't understand or approve of everything you do and that's okay. They're looking out for you, they're protecting you and the truth is, you should listen and consider what they say. You shouldn't be clouded by your own assumptions and feelings, you should be aware of how your friends treat others as well. But in the end, the choice is yours. You keep you safe. You keep you happy. You spend that love.

I loves my friends. I am so in love with friends.

The other day someone told me that friends are the family we choose.

Someone today asked me where I would I go on vacation if I had the choice. The truth is that anywhere would be a wonderful adventure as long as the right person or people came along.

This storm is what we call progress

2009-03-07T20:03:00.000-08:00

Today I worked for 12 hours. When I came home from leading four birthday parties and serving at least ten pizzas, I planned on doing homework. I don't want to go through the list of midterms, assignments, and puppets (don't ask) that are due this upcoming week. Maybe someone will take my desk shift Monday night. I doubt it. I have staff training all day tomorrow which I've secretly been looking forward to. I'm rambling. There is no formula to these sentences, no order. And now, now I am watching the corniest Hugh Grant love movie ever and I might be half asleep. Sleep typing. Sleep singing. Anyways, I planned on doing homework and I failed. I thought of some ideas. I'll build on them tomorrow.

On top of this week of school hell I feel incredibly guilty. I found out that I don't even have time to pursue other options and roads in my personal time. I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up hurting someone's feelings and I'm avoiding it. The sucky thing is, the longer I wait the worse the feelings get hurt but I jut can't do it now. I'm terrible. He deserves some cute,hipster, bubbly thing that has time for a 20 minute phone call. He deserves someone who is really into him and that's not me right now.

God my head hurts.

My mom said I could move to Australia. Well, she supports it. I think they're going to help me go, grandparents too. Lately, it's like everyone just knows that I can't stay here anymore and that it's really important that I go away. Or maybe they just want me gone like my sister says.

Sleep typing. Sleep talking.

"This storm is what we call progress." - George Bernard Shaw
This quote has effectively changed my perspective.

I love you. Goodnight.

Two face

2009-03-02T14:53:00.000-08:00

There are two sides of me right now. I feel a little like I'm pulled in two very different directions. If I follow one direction I stay in the same place, a limbo. There is possibility of change in this place but it's unlikely. It's a place I could stay for years, a place I've been in for years without movement. Like a line dance, back and forth, you move around side to side but always stop and start in the same exact place. In that place I have nothing to loose but nothing to gain. And that part has been made clear to me, explictiy, it is not as assumption. But there on the other side is something new, something growing on me. I'm hestitant and cautious to go there. It's scary and new and I'm not sure of myself. I don't want to loose myself. I'm more afraid of things going well than bad. If things go well nothing can last because I don't intend to stay here. Dead end. If I'm attatched I lose. Nothing can come from anything, doomed from the start. But now, right now it feels pretty good. For now I'm just going to do what feels good now and fuck whatever happens. Worst thing that can happen, I face plant again. I kinda feel like taking a risk. Wouldn't it be nice to split yourself in half, take both roads, see what happens, maybe eventually choose just one or always keep both.

Maybe I'm selfish. It's nice to be wanted. And god he's pretty. And nice. What is that?

Stupid universe.

2009-02-17T21:38:00.001-08:00

Stupid universe. Thanks a whole lot for granting me my wish. (*eyeroll*) Yeah, you really did me a HUGE favour by sending me a seemingly sweet, blonde, available, chemist who plans on going to Ghana to work with children for a month. You reallllly did it this time. Thanks for sending me a well kept number who actually called and wants to call again. When I said all I needed was to meet someone better...I thought I meant it. Didn't you know better? Ugh. I hate you.

Don't you know anything? Never EVER give me what I want! Because now I don't know what I want and that's really fucked up. And why are you giving me what I want now, you sure havn't done it before, and I was comfortable with that. Even though I'm pretty sure it's nothing it's driving me crazy and I'm already planning on how horrible it will be to break things off with what seems to be a sweet, smart and cute one. I know I would regret it too. And how fucked up is it that you did this on VALENTINES DAY? Oh you really should give yourself a cookie.

Getting what you want means you have to follow through on your word. On my word. It means now that I have to decide if I'm ready to invest more than just time in a person I don't really know that well. Well. I always said this would be good, this is what I wanted and now you're basically forcing me to face facts. Am I ready to totally give up? I thought I had. I thought I had for a very long time.

I hate meeting people in bars. It's the least ideal situation I can possibly imagine. But he wasn't drunk, neither was I and we had legit conversation. I actually gave out a real number this time. I don't know why! I never do! I didn't expect a phone call but there it was, in a bathroom for crying out loud. Upset. I am upset. I am the only girl who would be.

Look. I know this isn't a big deal. It sure as hell isn't serious. It isn't anything. But, now I have to face the fact that someone might actually call one day (someone I secretly wanted to call) and I have to decide if I want to drag myself through another mess when I'm pretty sure I'm still slightly disheveled.

I am afraid.

I will kiss the air instead, as not to disturb your sleep

2009-02-11T01:58:00.000-08:00

And now just for fun, my horoscope...

Over the course of your lifetime, if you're average, you will spend about 336 hours kissing. But why be average? Especially now, when the cosmos is begging you to use your mouth to incite ingenious bliss and explore the frontiers of closeness? To be in maximum alignment with the great cycles of nature and make God happy, I suggest you experiment with Guinness-Book-of-World-Records-levels of smooching and licking and sucking. If you can't find a human partner to collaborate with, then kiss the sky, the trees, the rivers, and even the mist. (P.S. For extra credit, use your mouth to murmur lyrical praises and whisper poetic temptations.)

That's not fair.

Not fair at all.

A time to kill

2009-02-09T12:46:00.001-08:00

I have realized that the train I want to take to Toronto leaves this Saturday, Valentines Day. I could put money on the fact that is a sub conscious descision to keep myself busy and mind off the "holiday." I am not one of those girls who goes around throwing anti Valentines cards at people, bitching relentlessly about the sucky commercial aspect of a superficial holiday. I was always the girl who hid a sharp jealousy by handing out cards to anyone and everyone along with chocolates and a bright pink and red sweater vest. The best deffence is a solid offence. Or is it the other way around? W/e it still works. I love the idea of a day for love. But let's be honest, it sucks when you feel excluded and doesn't it rock when you're not? And I never liked how the day had to be colour coded red and pink. The fact that holidays are associated with with specific colours always irked me as tacky. I actually havn't had a Valentine since I was 12 so it's no different than any other year. BUT I will secretly cross my fingers for some small act of appreciation, whether a random phone call from a friend or a surprise cup of coffee. I am not trying to be pathetic. So no sympathy allowed. That's not the point. My mother is buying me all the chocolate I want. I guess I wish I could change Valentines day into more of a day to celebrate all kinds of love rather than strictly romantic love. The feeling you get being in love, and celecbrate everyone in your lie that you love. It already kinda is I get. But let's start a revolution, let's spread the word and hand flowers to strangers, all kinds of flowers, not just roses. Meet me on the corner with your gerber daisies and snap dragons and we'll make sure everyone has a happy Valentines Day. :)

TGIS

2009-02-07T09:38:00.001-08:00

Right now I am sitting on Jake's couch, in his comfiest sweater watching my two best friends battle it out over Mario Kart. We are full of bacon and eggs and coffee, preparing to study and still somehow debating what movie we should watch. It's pretty much perfect. Last night was similar. Work and school this week have been stressful to say the least. But right now I am so comfortable and happy it's ridiculous.
One more week of school , work and placment and I'll be in Toronto to visit the sister. That is also a much needed mini vacation. I might just wander around downtown alone while she's at work. It's my favourite thing to do. It's like a weird sort of meditation for me. Walking amoung all the people and just thinking about everything and nothing. I'm never really going anywhere and yet seeing everything.

muchl azy and perfect Saturday love

Help I'm alive

2009-02-01T10:21:00.000-08:00

Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind,
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves,
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach,
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow.
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.

I have been hearing this everywhere. I see this everywhere. It's following me. And I'm not really sure why. I have ideas. It's possibly one of the most beautiful verses I have ever heard. I have this plane ticket to use up from a trip I cancelled a month ago. I can go anywhere and right now I am dying to go to Coachella. The lineup is beyond amazing, like everyday was handpicked just for me. That's a really egotistical thing to say but I don't care. I'm seriously considering going alone.
And sidenote: I have this friend who consistently puts down any seemingly crazy idea I have or future plan that seems unrealistic and it's really really really getting old. To use a really cheesy saying, I have big dreams. I do. I don't think on a small scale. I see the last two years as working my way up to my biggest ideas. Getting on planes, trains, staying places alone, meeting strange and lovely people and setting it all up on my own are some things I getting better at. Every little bit helps. I can't just pick up and leave my whole life without some realistic expectation of what to do. I'm working my way up, leaving a piece of myself in every new place I visit, with every interesting person I hope to meet again. And I tell you these things, I share them with you not so you can shut them down and beat them in front of me. I do it so that maybe you will understand, tell me I'm not crazy and that I can do whatever I want. But that's ridiculous because I already know those things and I don't really need reaffirmation. In short, cut it out. You're pissing me off.

THERE IS A BREAKTHROUGH MOMENT OCCURING IN MY KITCHEN AT THIS MOMENT
...
Abbee just said, "Why does everyone want a coach bag, like really it just has Cs on it? And why does everyone like the same thing as everyone else, why do they all have to be the same? It's boring. Do you ever think about how nothing matters, nothing? Did you ever realize how pointless EVERYTHING IS? Cars are unatural and scary, pop is terrifying, who thought that was a good idea? Go drink water! Staples, staples are unatural. Nailpolish."

Okay. My little sister just became a philosopher in front of my eyes. My day just got 100% better.

Oh yeah, my placement teacher asked me never to come back. I'm numb about that. I don't want to talk about it. But I will say I feel so bad for the kids in her class that it makes me sick.

Back to studying the phonetic alphabet, but just for now.

Of 3s and performing and tattoos

2009-01-28T19:08:00.000-08:00

3 assignments in 3 days. Approximately 3 hours of sleep a night. 3 inches of snow and 4 times the car ride. 3 days of class BUT 4 without. The universe is a place of balance I tell you.
Things feel good. Things are still cold and icy but good and sparkly at the same time. I looked at the Ambassador bridge today and almost thought it was pretty. Alright. It kinda was. Like I said, things are busy and if I'm not careful I stay up too late and start the day off cranky and rushed. Good things are happening in spite of the chaos. My research project was looking like a nightmare. I'm basically working in a classroom where a teacher doesn't believe in using drama in the classroom. Even though it's part of the curriculum. Anyways, I've changed my research question so it will work out, it's so much easier for me now. I'm making slim monies right now but having nice long weekends and I'm enjoying it. Fuck the everyday, constant, busy, no sleep crap. Been there, done that. It gets you nowhere but old and fast. Half a busy week works for me.

Today we gave a group performance in improv two. I have the biggest love/hate relationship with this class. The deadlines are quick, detailed, challenging and seemingly impossible at first impression. But, something has to be said for the fact that the individual assignments each group was given turned out beautifully. Everyone had the most elaborate set, props and tech that I've ever seen in six minute works in progress. And in the end the prof gave us a ton of credit, saying she was privileged to work with our class. It still would have been nice to develop the piece further rather than rush a script in less than week. I played an uninhibited crack whore, naturally. Can't imagine a day when I don't get to perform in some capacity on a regular basis. I have yet to find adrenaline and satisfaction in quite the same way anywhere else.

I got a new tattoo. An ampersand under my bottom lip (&). She's pretty and reminds me that I've lost my mind but more importantly, that I ain't no Juliet.

The bride

2009-01-15T20:22:00.000-08:00

In progress

I hate winter

2009-01-15T19:01:00.000-08:00

It's freezing outside. Arctic freezing. My hands turned black walking to class the other day because I forgot my mittens. It was scary. A good reason to hate winter. Another good reason to hate winter is that everything is slippery. I was running into the drama building and yelling about how I had to pee and fell flat on my face in front of my improv class. Which didn't embarrass me at all, I had a good long laugh, but damn my knees hurt after. My boots are slippery but it's better than getting wet feet in sneakers. I refuse to wear heavy boots. Too uncomfortable and hot.
School can only be described as fine this semester. Improv, history of the English language, theatre for young audiences, theatre history and directed studies in dred. I'm actually really lucky. I have genuine interest in each class. But the work, the work she kills. I cut back on working for money hardcore, signed up for more classes instead, but I'm only on campus 3 days a week. The rest of the time I do homework. But, I've also started painting. I have less money but slightly more insanity. That was supposed to say sanity. Freudian slip I guess. That's so bizarre. I need to think about what that means. Anyways, it looks like the majority of assignments will be done with in the next month.
I need to book another concert soon. There are 2 I'm considering. Great Big Sea and Matt and Kim. Both are in the same week. That would be so awesome. But it's also the same week as March break day camp. I've pulled off some pretty crazy and desperate trips for the sake of music before so it's not a huge deal. The sake of music is also the sake of sanity so the insanity is completely necessary.
Let's see, what else is new, I got a haircut today, one of my best friends is home from Australia after a year and I can't wait to see her, I have a skating competition this weekend, and I got drunk the other night doing homework. I found out the devil is alive and well embodied in Ann Coulter, there is a national day for velocaraptors and I picked a wedding song should I ever decide to. It's called Fairytale of New York. if I ever were to get married I think I'd hire a celtic band instead of a dj. That would be the greatest wedding ever. I miss Patrick O'Ryans. There, I think I'm caught up with randomness.

My brother the poet

2009-01-08T20:05:00.000-08:00

if you want to see santa again come to the dock with all the money in the world and if you dont, we will burn down the white house and the pentagon with elves and the president inside. WWWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH... ..and cut off his balls.

....

Quinten strikes again.
Word for word.
A ransom letter.
An assignment he wrote for school.
I've been told it's my fault.
Please, tell me, how the fresh hell did I suggest my brother should castrate Santa?

I hope you liked that.

2+0+0+9=11

2009-01-04T10:20:00.000-08:00

If you add up the numbers of the new year you get 11. Isn't that a lucky number? I think so? I know that at 11:11 you are supposed to make a wish. I always do. Wishing on the new year seems appropriate. 2008 was a terrible year for so many people I know. And for me, I relate. BUT, in ways it was one of the best years too. In many ways, I don't know what to make of it at all. Sometimes I want to forget it ever happened. When all is said and done, I think I learned a lot. I experienced a lot, and am better all around for it. I'm glad it's over. I don't think I've ever had such emotional turmoil within a twelve month time span. So, let's recap. Here are some of the low points from the year:

The Lows:
- one of my best friends left for Australia and I miss her terribly
- The university decided to take away my loan right before Christmas and I had to surrender money I had saved for almost a whole year
- I was backstabbed, betrayed and emotionally broken by someone I thought I trusted, who I thought was different, better. Now I don't know if I can ever trust anyone like that again even though we're still friends.
- I learned to never make myself vulnerable again.
- This summer was one of the worst ever. Mostly work and no play. Stress, headache and very little adventure.
- One of my best friends lost her mom. I can't imagine what she went through. It put a lot in perspective. Good and bad.

The Highs:
- I got a promotion at work, I got a second new job and have been working really hard
- First semester I got all As
- Four Amanda/Dresden Dolls concerts which effectively changed my outlook on life
- I found new music. This is always major
- I learned how to play the ukulele
- I went to BC and found the mountains and fresh air
- I danced in public and met strangers who became friends

Mainly I learned there are many kinds of love. It's messy, it's complicated, it's always in flux. Lines between love and hate are thin, and often the reasons we love people are the same reasons we hate them. It's not easy, it isn't fun and it hurts. It's uncontollable even when unwanted. There are no rules. People can consistently treat you horribly, ignore you, make you feel like dirt and we can consistently put our hearts through hell for them. I can't help people if they won't let me. It's exhausting giving 100 when you're barely getting 50. This is now in the past. The majority of hurt has callused. People always tell me I should turn my back on the situation completely. It's not an option. I don't turn my back. It's a good reminder none the less.

A lot can change in a year. I still have faith that things will work out if you believe it, if you make good things happen. You are miserable if you choose to be, if you refuse to realize that life is short and we deserve a balance of work and play. I have no more time for people who are satisified looking for attention for being miserable and refuse to talk about it. What they are looking for can only be found by themselves.

So here is my wish, outloud because I'm not going to be superstious and hopefully make it all happen by myself. In the next twelve months I wish to travel and see things, and do everything I can to make myself feel good inside and out. That's all. And if at the end I feel heartbroken again and learn for it, it's okay because I know it will probably be for the best. We never stop learning. One more summer of camp is left, this time I know what to expect. I'll be done school come December and start more adventures in places away from here.

Happy New Year
Happy Fresh Start

Merry Christmas Charlie Brown

2008-12-16T17:29:00.000-08:00

I should be studying but fuck school. Lisa says, "Fuck school hard... with toys." When she said that I cried a little. Right now we're watching the Charlie Brown Christmas special on the tele. I prefer the Charlie Brown Christmas episodes that came after to tell the truth. The one where Linus comes out and quotes the bible:

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them,
Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
LUKE 2:8-14

Linus rules hard. It's cause he is comfortable enough with himself to carry a blanket and is smart as all get out. I have a feeling Linus would have been a pomo kid had he been part of the here and now. Well, if it wasn't for the whole religious thing.

Sally though, Sally is my sister Abbee incarnate.

And now for a change in topic and pace.

MY CHRISTMAS LIST:

a ukelele

acrylic paints and canvases

a very large oversized knit sweater that is really comfy and warm

for the rich to give more to the poor (it feels good to give)

a happy 2009 (this would require numerous live music events)

less harmful aerosoles in the atmosphere (i'm studying atmosphere and climate)

my parents old camera

a new blackberry

peace on earth and economic stability

kota the triceratops

here's a visual on that one. I can't help how much I adore dinosaurs.

I don't want the kid though. I deal enough with kids as is. God love em but if I have to hear the boys I sit for sing choruses of "Go away Frankee," once a week for the next year I may really never have children.

So that's my list. I don't really care if I get any of it or not. Making a list is half the fun. I have to go study, which sounds painful but at least it's about thunderstorms and tornados. On a scale of one to ten dinosaurs are at a 9 and tornados are at about 8.5.

In the words of Sally Brown,

Much love sweet baboo

Proof of life

2008-12-14T19:42:00.000-08:00

This was my reaction during the final performance. In the moment I thought that I needed to document the exact moment when I felt something I had never felt before. lol I was stunned. There were too many emotions running through my head to put together a cohesive thought. And that's pretty obvious.

Amanda Palmer is alive and well

2008-12-14T18:32:00.001-08:00

It has taken a long time for me to write about possibly the greatest three days of my life. On November 29th I saw Amanda Palmer perform in Toronto. Not my first time, my third this year. But, this show was different, better, more moving. Songs were paired with moving dance and movement peices by an acting troupe called the Danger Ensemble. Similar to the work I do at school. Interpretive, edgy, innovative, and emotional. Some peices were commentaries on aspects of society, some humorous, always interesting and dynamic. The music itself was unreal. It's just beautiful. It's the most beautiful music I've ever heard in my life. It makes me happy when I am sad. It reminds me that there is life after broken hearts, that the world is still a beautiful place when it's not, that there are people in the world who need help, maybe my help, and that art is a beautiful and a worthwhile pursuit for me in this lifetime. And then there is the woman behind the music. This talented, independent, unique, woman who encourages everyone to love themselves just the way they are. To write love on their bodies, to accept eachother and embrace, hold, help. She doesn't care what other people say or do, the only thing she follows is her heart, not people, not the expectations of others. I don't know her personally, but this is what I have seen, this is what she has inspired in me.
After the show I got a chance to walk up to her and thank her for making me feel, for the first time, that I could be exactly who I am without worrying, without caring. After 20 years of feeling like I didn't really belong anywhere I have a new perspective on lots of things. I'm happier now than ever. And this music and this woman have helped me feel this way. She held my face, she hugged me and held on. And just when I thought she was going to let go she held on tighter. I offered her a place to stay while crossing the border. She almost took me up on that offer but unfortunately had to cross the border that night. She took my name, number and address and said to watch out for future shows when she might need my help. I met Katie K, I met Steven Mitchell Wright, and this tour family is full of charming and hard working people. They took time to meet each and every person who stayed after the show. Because I offered Amanda and her crew a place to crash they offered to give me tickets to the Detroit show. The next day I emailed Steven who confirmed that this was possible.
So two days later Christopher and I left for Detroit to see Amanda again. My name wasn't on a list at the door. So he paid for me to get inside and the poor thing went back into the freezing cold to find some money. Ten minutes later I found a frazzled Katie K who recognized me and told me to go get Chris and we finally got in and enjoyed the best concert we have ever seen. Zoe Keating is an amazing musician. There were times when she played that I felt like I was floating, I almost lost my balance being completely focused on the music. We were very close to the stage, I couldn't help but feel so incredibly lucky, like I didn't deserve to relive one of the most amazing moments twice. People just don't get that everyday. I feel spoiled, I feel like I've cheated others. I only hope I deserve it. Or that I can pay this forward somehow.
I met Amanda a second time. I was so focused on getting a picture with her that I had forgotten about the night before that I awkwardly hugged her and rambled about how she shouldn't get sick and take cold fx. She remembered me from the night before whuch was more than enough. Thank god I didn't waste my first encounter. This was almost embarassing.
But all in all it was surreal, and lovely and I still can't believe it happened to me. I left feeling like I could do anything, that anything can happen if you will it and that I can be anything and anyone I want. I saw things, see things, differently and feel changed. Now that something I thought was impossible has happenend I see endless possibility. I am excited about life more now than ever.
Pictures are coming in a photo entry. It's easier that way.

I go in love. I leave you love. In this holiday season know that magic exists, and happiness. So does pain and hurt and anger. We pick our battles, we choose what emotions to hang onto, what to value and what to let go of. Look for the little happinesses and keep on keeping on. You never know what is coming for you.

<3

I'm too tired to title

2008-11-22T22:13:00.000-08:00

I am sleepy and full of a hamburger happy meal. I am getting over a slight cold and sniffling. I am finding random reasons to crawl into bed when no one notices and nap in corners. I am warm and cold. lol I am so tired that my writing skills are seriously lacking any cohesive pattern, rhyme or reason. I think I have a headache. I'd kill for some cold fx and I think the strawberry milkshake in my tummy is slowly hardening. Curse you McDonalds, I know you're evil, I always did. What I would really like right now is for someone to say, "Hey Frankee you know that 12 page paper on the cardiorespiratory system that's due Thursday? Yeah, I'll write it, no problem!" Seriously, I would pay 100 dollars for that shit. I have a four page paper for drama due Tuesday. I am not a teribly lazy person, I just cannot for the life of me understand anything biological let alone write twelve pages about it. I hve never written a 12 page paper at all let alone on a topic I have no framiliarity about. Daunting. It's just a pile of shit to finish before my fun. God's laughing. Haha, yes you can go away but you have to stress and panic right up until the very last second. I know that it's only fair, the universe must stay balanced, I get it. One week until I see Amanda Palmer again. And this time I will meet her and take pictures and talk to her about the meaning of life or some philosophical theory about the beauty of art that I cannot even comprehend at this moment in time. I told you I wasn't making any sense.

And now I must sleep and dream before I have to face tomorrow. Yay for dreaming, I'm really good at it!

Sweet dreams wherever you are

Honesty is the best policy

2008-11-19T18:55:00.000-08:00

I just want to say that it's really really scary when friends know you better than you know yourself. Lisa wrote this for our end of the year roast. Basically the third years bash us to hell. So I give you the honest truth, I can't deny any of it.

frankee orgasmed in bear grunts in class yesterday
frankee loves this singer named amanda palmer and has been turning into her the past two years
frankee can sing like an angel... she is a classically trained opera singer and never sings!
obsessed with phantom of the opera to the point where yep she would read erotic fiction based on it
loves sushi. frankee's diet consists of ciggarets when she's stressed, coffee and sushi
frankee wants to be in the circus as a juggler. this is not a joke.
loves lush and bathes in it
frankee has a tatoo the size of my face of a skull. want to know why she got it? because she got it half off for martigras
frankee comes from a family of 5 and her mother jenny is wacko and thinks frankee should get married and have babies. frankie said to her one day, once upon a time there was a girl who never got married and she was happy.
frankee also loves her vino but her ceasers more. sometimes we go for drives and listen to music and bitch about life
frankee has a group of friends who are all gay. they worship her to the high heavens and frankee loves all of them. u can find her on saturday night at the loop dancing with them. she will probobly marry one of them.
frankee and beth are going to get married. im the maid of honor.
once frankee told me she was going to put face paint on and steal lawn gnomes
she wasn't joking, these were her actual saturday night plans
frankee eats herfingers when she's stressed
honestly her skin peals off and its disturbing

Thanks Lis,
I couldn't have said it better if I tried.

Trouble is a friend

2008-11-14T16:39:00.000-08:00

This is a picture of the wife and I on Halloween being silly in the cab. She was Sharpay from High School Musical. I only wish such fun, sloppy, and sexy times for all.

I want a ukelele for Christmas. Preferably a bright yellow one. The only instrument I used to know how to play is flute and I took vocal classes for years so I'm not totally unframiliar with music. I could do it. And it would be sweet. I think I'd carry it with me like a baby and play in random places wherever I feel compelled.
Lately I've been having thoughts about applying to grad school after I'm done with this undergrad business. Montreal would be ideal. There's a drama therapist program and also another about being an artist in the community that I should probablt check out. I figure I'm going to broke no matter what and from what I hear so will everyone. What's a little more broke then? So we'll all be broke together and getting by like bohemians do. La vie boheme baby, let's do it up. I'm trying to save money now, to cover travel costs but I definitely bought new jeans today and lots o soap. Oh well. Could be much worse. I'm punishing myself by staying in tonight. House to msyelf, I'll art out, read some school-io stuffs, make some tea. What a punishment. Tomorrow is Lisa's birthday party and we are going to be rockstars in dresses! Like a 50's cocktail party! How chic of us all. Girls must wear dresses and we're even going to have fancy dinner! How very grown up of us all. Pour the wine friends.
Artist plug of the day: Lenka. Listen to Trouble is a Friend. I totally relate, except I am getting rid of my trouble. It sounds sexy.
As of late I am way too happy for my own good and strangely optomistic. Right now, I am living in the right now. I'm happy about what's going on in this moment, what's coming in the next few weeks, I am letting stress pass on through, I'm confident that everything will work out for the best and the very best is yet to come. Maybe even soon to come. Maybe these feelings are brought by it's my sexy boots and fuzzy hat. Maybe it's because my skin is pretty clear today. Maybe it's because I'm letting go of old emotional weights. I'm cleaning out friendships that are one sided, I'm not wasting energy in trying to be crutches for people who could care less. Especially people who seem to be attention whores. I can't help you if you won't let me. I'm a simple kinda girl. Pleases, thank yous and I love yous make me happiest. Not rings and things. But you could always send a bar of vegan soap. I'd promise to love you forever and ever. I got a D minus in kinesiology. For some reason I find it incredibly funny. I'm going to stick it out and pull up my grade. Usually I'd run away but I'm here to stay kids, I will win this one and prove that I can do like all the jock kids do.

I leave you now with lyrics to Trouble is a Friend. makes you swing your hips it does.

Trouble will find you
No matter where you go
Oh, oh No matter if you're fast
No matter if you're slow
Oh, oh The eye of the storm wanna cry in the morn
Oh, oh You're fine for a while
But you start to lose control
He's there in the dark
He's there in my heart
He waits in the wings he's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend
Yeah Trouble is a friend of mine
Ahh Trouble is a friend
But trouble is a foe
Oh, oh And no matter what I feed him
He always seems to grow
Oh, oh He sees what I see
And he knows
What I know
Oh, oh So don't forget
As you ease
On down my road
He's there in the dark
He's there in my heart
He waits in the wings
He's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend
Yeah Trouble is a friend of mine
So don't be alarmed
If he takes you
By the arm
I roll down the window
I'm a sucker for his charm
Trouble is a friend
Yeah Trouble Is a friend of mine
Ahh How I hate the way
He makes me feel
And how I try to make him leave
I try Oh, oh, I try
But he's there in the dark
He's there in my heart
He waits in the wings
He's gotta play a part
Trouble is a friend
Yeah Trouble is a friend of mine
So don't be alarmed
If he takes you by the arm
I roll down the window
I'm a sucker For his charm
Trouble is a friend
Yeah Trouble is a friend of mine

OH we all know Trouble, Trouble's gotta go kids

Much love x10000!

Like you.

2008-11-06T21:58:00.000-08:00

It's beautiful here, in many ways. November and warm. The ivy on Dillon Hall is red and gold and orange. You barely need a jacket. They are opening a new Irish pub in Windsor to replace my favourite one that is closing and my student loan came just in time to register for classes. I booked rooms for my trip to Toronto but sadly cancelled a highly anticipated trip to Jamaica for very practical reasons. On the positive side I now have a credit with the airline that I have to use in a year. So options are open. I keep playing with the idea of a one way ticket. School is going good with the exception of one killer first year class that happily raped me like no other exam. I have never flat out failed and I felt completely violated. I studied that shit too. If I drop it completely I could pick up another shift at work. You don't know how tempting that is. The one thing I wish I could change right now is that I wish I could adopt more drive and pick up more classes, volunteer more at school, and stay organized. It doesn't help when all your friends are overachievers who make me look like the biggest slacker ever. Having two jobs and going to school is nothing compared to my friends who T.A., sit on commitees, have relationships, do research, hold multiple jobs and still manage to get all As. Yes, most of them do all that. And, while I plan on taking my time with school and add an extra semester next year, they all overload and plan to graduate this year. They will do great things and I am lucky to have so many motivators.

Today I heard this song from the original version of Dr. Dolittle on a Christmas commercial. I used to watch it non-stop when I was five. That's how I learned to sing, from watching old musicals like The Wizard of Oz and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Old movies were my favourite. Anyways, I found the lyrics, they are sweet without being overly gushy. They remind me of being five and thinking everything was magic and the world was my fairy tale. I really thought I was special, I used to tell people that I knew how to fly and that I was secretly a princess. Not because I was a pathological liar, but because I had convinced myself that my dreams were memories.

THE WORLD IS FULL OF BEAUTIFUL THINGS
BUTTERFLY WINGS, FAIRY TALE KINGS
AND EACH NEW DAY UNDOUBTEDLY BRINGS
STILL MORE BEAUTIFUL THINGS
THE WORLD ABOUNDS WITH MANY DELIGHTS
MAGICAL SIGHTS, FANCIFUL FLIGHTS
AND THOSE WHO DREAM ON BEAUTIFUL NIGHTS
DREAM OF BEAUTIFUL THINGS
BEAUTIFUL DAYS FOR SUNSHINE LAZIN'
BEAUTIFUL SKIES AND SHORES
BEAUTIFUL DAYS WHEN I CAN GAZE IN BEAUTIFUL EYES - LIKE YOURS
OUR LIVES TICK BY LIKE PENDULUM SWINGS
POOR LITTLE THINGS, PUPPETS ON STRINGS
LIFE IS FULL OF BEAUTIFUL THINGS
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE TOO
BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE LIKE YOU.

Like you.

Much very tired late night love

This is me and where I am

2008-10-26T19:56:00.000-07:00

Dog driving a truck. Only in H town. Can't wait to never see stuff like this ever.

Happy with my tea and big sweater.

Abbee is all kinds of colourful. And I'm all kinds of growls.

I tried to time my jump with the flash. FAIL.

Abbee is most def not fail. I was pissed.

The bro and I, too cool for school. Check the leather threads.

It's not all so toxic sometimes.

We found a hole! I thought maybe snakes would be in it. But secretly I thought fo the Alice in Wonderland rabbit hole. Nothing but dirt in the end.

Homage to the Palmer.

I will miss this one day.

The Fernandes blings 1, 3, and 5 went for a spur of the moment walk down the local nature trial. Number 5 was hoping to see some "wildlife." Sad to say the wildest thing we saw wasn't even alive but a dead snake on the road, all dry and flat. Number 3 was all about taking artistic pictures of the myspace variety. Number 1, yours truly, was just hoping to take advantage of the nice weather before winter comes and my mood goes south for the winter. My head is all kinds of confused. Assignments are coming, work is all over the place with planning and things just come up outta no where. My head is slightly spinning. I'm wondering why it's been days since I've talked to friends and where the weeks are going. Walks like this ground me, keep me happy and breathing. When the leaves change is my favourite part of the year and I'm just sorry it's so short. But soon I'll be planning my trip to Toronto! And soon after that I'll be going to Jamaica! I get to be a flower girl in a wedding! lol This is so good and necessary because I can't stand the winter. The cold gets me down.
Tomorrow morning I am going to work to do yoga with all the mommies and their babies lol. The instructor invited me to join in so why not?
Oh! I chose a new career path. before I settle down in life I will manage tours for bands. I'll probably sell merch to start and learn the ropes and work my way up. I love bus trips to competitions. Travelling on the road is my favourite part. I want to meet people and see things and hear music everynight. Everynight! I know it's not easy but I'd be willing to try. Needless to say no one will take me seriously. Seriously, you live in a town where dogs drive pick up trucks and I seem crazy?? Seriously???

I found a new song to be obsessed with. It's called Bruises by Chairlift. Slightly emo lyrics but the beat is addicting.

Sidenote: Planet Terror is a good movie if you like blood exploding everywhere. I loved it. It was like a classic zombie movie but ten times better because Rose McGowan has a machine gun for a leg and I'm pretty sure it's comedic genius.

I have to go to bed though. Sweet dreams kids.

Much golden autumn love

Ampersand

2008-10-23T21:17:00.000-07:00

My mother thinks I'm on drugs. She's asking my friends about me, claiming I'm not myself. Then she finally asked me in seriousness. I laughed and said, "I wish. Maybe then things would be more interesting." Apparently it wasn't time to make a joke. So I asked why and she said there was nothing else to explain the silent treatments, mood swings and sleepiness. Yes, there is. It's called being an overworked, overstressed, 21-year old girl who is trying to figure out how to not end up stuck in this town forever and stay sane. And, apparently a man would fix all this. According to mom everyone has someone and we are all incapable of being happy without another half. Yes, yes, people in love are so happy, so very disgustingly happy. But I am whole! Aren't I glad that I don't have one more thing to drive me crazy while I'm busy saving up to run away and earn some kind of degree? Yes, yes I am. I am just as capable of being happy right now without someone needing my constant attention. Amanda can explain it better than I can:

And I'm not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand (&). And even if I went with you, I'm not the girl you think I am. And I'm not gonna match you, 'cause I'll lose my voice completely. No, I'm just gonna watch you, 'cause I'm not the one that's crazy. - AFP

Amanda is in love and she's 30. So much time! Time is what I do have! I am not pleading girl power here. I am pleading for the world to lay off while I try and figure out who I am. I am too busy falling in love with pieces of the world. If I don't focus on myself no one else will. And, if one day I am lucky enough to stop getting punched in the face by my own idiocy and go where I swore I would never go again, MAYBE THEN. But let's face it, no one deserves to faceplant into pavement e.v.e.r.y.time. So yes, mom I'm happy. I'm really happy getting good grades and getting promotions and working and having friends and not having to be checked up on, and not fighting with someone and crying all night and for not worrying about hurting someone when I leave.

Pretty sure I've already said this. I'm a broken record tonight. Blame it on the cold medicine. My head feels about the size of a hot air balloon. I should have gone to bed hours ago but I even procrastinate about that!

Sidenote: Greys was so good. Lexi was my hero. That took balls. Saying what you want, even if it means losing out. She put herself first. That is so fucking hard.

This JUST Happened

2008-10-17T21:01:00.000-07:00

Actual conversation that took place five seconds ago:

Brother (he's 11): Do you ever have dreams about Amanda Palmer?

Me: Yes....

Brother: What do you dream about her?

Me: Oh...we just talk and hangout mostly. We sing and stuff.

Brother: WHAT? Thats not a dream! I dream that I'm being chased by killer bees and then they start sword fighting with pirates and they all fly planes and the planes fight with bombs and machine guns. And then monkeys climb my wall!!! And I just sit in the middle of it all and scream like a girl! And once I dreamed these dinosaurs were golfing and they ate me!!! But the weirdest one was about the mole people who lived underneath humans...and their king was gay. Wait, no once there was this team of cavemen hockey players.....

Me: ........ARE YOU KIDDING?

Brother: NO REALLY!

I'd write more but I'mm laughing so hard that even typing is difficult.

Much killer bee, dinosaur golf-playing-homosexual mole king love

lmao

A thanksgiving prayer

2008-10-11T13:13:00.000-07:00

God bless Grandma and vino and California Maki. God bless trains for taking us far away and concerts for making us believe we will be rockstars. I am thankful for makeup and hair dye, the players and the game. I am thankful for vocal warmups and open concept architecture. God bless the black hearts of the administration at the university of Windsor for moving exams until the 22 of Dec even though technically we only lost 3 days of class. I am thankful for Crown Royal for making me believe I am a princess, and for vino for making me brave. I am thankful for playing dressup in my room while dancing to Euro pop. Thank god for my corset and stockings and the boys who want to borrow them. God bless gay men who will pretend to take us engagement ring shopping and create fake wedding registries. God bless all the bikers I've ever almost hit on the road, especially Riverside Drive, because they all must have a death wish. God bless all us golden hearted girls who know that being a bitch is truly a crafted talent that takes years of practice to perfect, especially because it's all an act. I am thankful for sunglasses. Hangovers have never looked so sexy. God bless the few who keep me sane enough to deal with the rest of them.

Amen.

Familiar Recklessness

2008-10-05T10:25:00.000-07:00

I am procrastinating and eating nutella from the jar. I am trying to shake this lethargy. Of the past 24 hours I have slept away half of them. The fall is making me sleepy. I'm beginning to hibernate in blankets and movies, warm drinks, and sappy books. Work has slowed now that things are up and running, it's comfortable. School starts Tuesday and I'm only thankful that I can go back to my routine of breakfast with Beth, lunch with Lisa. I can only sum up the past few weeks with a line from a Killer's song, "Lazy days help me through the hopeless haze," and one from Regina Spektor, "Some days aren't yours at all, they come and go as if they're someone else's days." But, despite my sleepy disposition the past few days have been memorable. I spent lengthy time with best friends. It was as if the universe was apologizing for the tease of vacation. A vacation that could end at any time isn't really relaxing, especially when you don't know what consequence it brings. So, the universe was apologizing and slowed down work, fed me lots of sushi and caesars, let me go out on Friday, allowed me to survive through Clubhouse kids and Art Attack classes, and brought on perfect sweater weather. And now it's Sunday, my day for rest and supposedly school work. Mind you I'm still going to work tonight and skating. But, a few hours of an empty house is all the weekend lazy-ness I need. Anymore and I'm liable to go slightly crazy.

I wish I was travelling through the U.K. freely with no obligations and one of my friends. Oh god we'd have so much fun bashing through London. No time limits, no responsibilities, just days of brand new adventuers and nights of familiar recklessness.

I've been exercising my imagination again. Lots of sleep does that for me.

Much reckless love

As long as he needs me

2008-09-25T21:33:00.001-07:00

He only ever needs me at night. When there's no one else around and it's dark, he'll hold my hand and make sure I'm there. In the day light he couldn't care less, he makes it painfully obvious he doesn't need me and sometimes I'm sure he would rather I was far, far away. I stay up until he falls asleep and at that point, even in sleep, he throws my hand away. He lets go and even tosses it back at me. It's purpose was served. When we watch movies he sits far away and makes sure we don't look at each other. And even though he puts me through the ringer I still love him. I pat his head and touch his hair and say goodnight. Amazingly, I don't blame him, not at all.

He's only three. He can't help it.
Babysitting can be a hard gig yo.
One day we'll be friends...I hope :)

Oh! Go listen to Ben Folds' new album. It's love.

In the meantime watch two loves come together beauty-ously(sp?) lol.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTXsoi603yU
It's Amanda and Ben! Woo!

Much starry night sky love

The Call

2008-09-22T12:46:00.000-07:00

I just biked for over an hour to the river motherfuckers. I could have stayed home and did the ab lounge in Abbees room but this was much more rewarding. Physical activity is much more fun when there's a reward at the end. It was nice outisde and I stood on the bridge and stared down at the river, framed by willow trees. I was probably 40 ft above the water. I love it. I saw butterflies on the trail and a lot of horse poop too. I rode behind the the barrel factory and smelled all the old musty woody containers that reek of red wine. Yum. I got a lot of thinking done. Thinking about hypothetical futures, where I'll be in five, ten years, where people in my life will be, who I'll lose, who might try to keep me around. Absolutely no definite answers were found. I think I came up with 4 possible life outcomes today. It's like a game I play. I try to imagine a different city, a different house/living space, a different job, different friends and lovers, each one unique and lovely to the point of heartbreak. I just can't decide which one I want the most! Maybe my problem is that I have too many dreams lol. Tomorrow I'm sure I'll come up with more. Today I went between Nottingham England, New York, Montreal, and a slightly random excursion to Spain. Each one different. Each one the same. All filled with love and art and antiques lol.

Today my mother said she wonders when I will grow up and be an adult. This was after I mentioned something about music and public art, and a practical joke. I asked her define adult and she shook her head. I said is that someone who has no fun? Who only worries and has responsibilities and believes their life is over? I told her adulthood is what you make it. More angry grunts. I should never open my mouth.

School is still out. Tomorrow I will try to catch up. But for right now I will drink my new found concoction of orange green tea with a little bit of all natural fruit juice. Yum x2.

Go listen to The Call by Regina Spektor. I cry, I ache, I pine. It makes me feel like I'm up to my eyes in potential goodbyes just waiting to happen in the next 2 years. I'm drowning in the need to make the most of people before they leave and I forget things about them. Things that I love about them that mkae them a crucial part of my life that will feel broken when they leave. I will write a letter to everyone who leaves about what makes them special in the world. Then we both won't ever forget. It's just such a pretty song it makes me so happy and sad at the same time <3

I think today I am full of love. It's been a while.
Much tea with juice filled LOVE

Fragments

2008-09-18T08:56:00.001-07:00

For the moment I have lost the will to write in complete sentences. I feel I can only list. Here goes a random stream of thought:

Cd in my car right now: The Arcade Fire, Bright Eyes and Radiohead mix.
What I had for breakfast: peanut butter and jelly with an apple juice box
Current events: The faculty is on strike and I just want to go to fucking school
Last song I heard: These Boys Are Too Refined by The Hush Sound (orgasmy)
Last night I dreamed: That my Dad was a serial killer and there was a bag of heads in my kitchen, terrifying
Regretting: Putting off responsibilities at work lately
Current love interest: Amanda's gorgeous, talented, vampire-like boyfriend. Wall me.
Happy because: My preorder was shipped, it's nice outside, and the weekend is coming
Sad because: My preorders not here, I have to work and it's nice outside and I still have to work all weekend
If I could be anywhere right now: Point Pelee. Yes. Walking on the boardwalk and butterfly hunting to the max. I <3 nature
Tonight: I get paid to be a drowning victim at staff training. This is nice. The gaurds hate me cause I sit on the bottom of the pool
Worried about: Ever going back to school.

Wanna see my new lover? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYYMCXT3_Ng
He's an artist. Wall me.

Much fragmented and random love

Happy Amanda Palmer Day

2008-09-16T08:44:00.000-07:00

This fruitcup tastes like metal. These drama students taste like metal. This reading tastes like fruitloops. I should have grabbed the plastic peach cups. It wouldn't taste like aluminum foil. It's like getting my tongue stuck to the playground in January. Fact. But, for some reason I was feeling nostalgic about the metal cups and my apple juice box and packed some snacks, being reminded of my grade school lunch routine. I was in a good mood this morning. I got up a half hour early with little trouble on only five hours of sleep. I havn't gottten tired of school yet. It's nice to get up and watch the sun come up as I drive across the county. This is one of few visual advantages of living on a flat, nearly barren wasteland. It's Tuesday again ,and again I'm surrounded by drama students. Yay for headphones. Yay for being in fourth year and throwing out random comments to second years who don't ask for my opinion that I so generously throw out to show that I'm eaves dropping, that I can easily burst their bubble. "You like reading Ayers?? Oh he's all rainbows and butterflies now, wait till you get called in to do emergency supply with no lesson plan and Ayers flies out the window." Then smile, "Oh don't get me wrong he's good, of course he might have bombed the pentagon (fact again) I'm just saying..." The look of fear on their faces almost makes me guilty for throwing around my smart ass senior cents. Oh babies, I was you, you will be me, it's a vicous cycle, a matter of time.

It's Amanda Palmer Day. I may or may not have shed a tear when I couldn't place my preorder. Some fucked up shit with the bank. All I want to do is throw money at people and they won't have any of it for no apparent reason. I'm wearing my t shirt in honour of it all. Today she might post new tour dates. I wanna go again. If God likes me today maybe there will be a show in Toronto and I'll go alone if I have to. And I'll be wild.

OH. Yesterday my favourite Yoga instructor came in to the rec centre. She looked at me up and down and said. "Look at you, you're friend, shes small town, you are not. You know you're not supposed to stay here right? Get out, get away, you don't belong here." I was taken back at first. I dream about what it would be like to up and leave all the time. Then I started thinking about what I'd be leaving, this town, this job, these friends, family. Which naturally led to thinking about who I'd be leaving. Not such a big deal. My parents aren't the clingy type, my friends would go on like normal, there's no boy begging me to stay. Hmmmm at first I'm thinking, good thing, but is this depressing? Noooooooot really.

Lisa says it would be good for me to find a man. A man who adores me and genuinely enjoys just being around me. And still gives me space, lots of space. But she says he better not treat me like a princess or I'd probably punch him. This is true. She says we should all find men to throw us against walls. Lisa is very smart.

I hope I go out tomorrow night. Maybe I'll go out regardless. Alone if I have to. I'm not going to see my drummer lover anymore. One day again. Face to face. And next time I'll say more than, "Hiiiayamfdkbthtjbe................." Dolt. I can be a dolt.

Much Who Killed Amanda Palmer love

Drama. School. Balls.

2008-09-09T10:58:00.000-07:00

I think I'm developing social anxiety. Being around people in general today has been one of the most awkward and stressful things. I don't I'm used to being around this many people I don't choose to see on a regular basis in far too long. I'm sitting alone in the drama lounge, surrounded by people in groups. Drama students in general are exhausting. I get along well with very few. They have this endless energy that makes them capable of suffocating you with their constant insincere wit and dry humor. Right now two girls are literally running around the building (it's an open concept design) floor to floor, in masks and yelling in Italian accents as commedia del arte characters. Funny? Yes, but this is everyday and it can be exhausting. The egos around here are so big they should have to register seperately. They take up enough space. Everytime I try to find space at the end of the couch someone has no problem sitting close enough to touch. You do not own personal space in a drama lounge. Touching strangers is probably part of the art. Someone just said, "we feed off eachother." This is true, they're eating my persoanl space. And yes, I am writing this surrounded still. If only they knew. God help me I love drama and art but people exhaust me. And if I want to work in the field, these are my collegues. I am scared. Maybe i just need to suck it up and stop being such a bitch. But for reals, a girl walked right up to me today, introduced herself, and told me she would remember me for the future. Aw, you cute bright eyed art students, one day you will adopt my cynicism. I'm sorry for that. I get the feeling people think I'm either a snob, bitch, or recluse. It's not the case. I'm just socially awkward with new people until I figure out if they're as crazy as me.

People are starting to leave and my anxiety is decreasing. But I still have an hour and a half before class and no one to talk to. I'm watching music videos without sound cause I forgot my headphones. This is tragic. I wish I had a reading or an assignment or something to make me look busy and unapproachable.

On a positive, productive note I have already decided my topic for directed studies. I might be the only one. It's an obvious choice for me and I'm lucky enough to have a ready made support system for studying drama in ESL. Not to mention a year's experience. Holla. This may be succesful.

I'm practically alone now. Bitches ain't shit. Almost relaxed. I envy people who can sleep in public. I'd be out like a light fo sho.

Oh god, the guy across the room just said he has a rapier. Mental note: don't fuck with that guy. Thats another thing. Drama students are scary because they are slightly crazy and usually own combat weapons for stage. You have been warned.

Back to boredom and more vids. I'm so tired and class is three hours long tonight.

I smell like oatmeal

2008-09-04T08:37:00.000-07:00

I have so much energy it's gross, and a little scary. Today was the first day of classes. This girl has class at 8:30 in the morning on Tuesdays and Thursdays, intro to kin. I'm banking on the fact that I took exercise science in high school and the fact that the class has no actual text book that I will make it through unscathed. I already took biology 101 so this can't be much worse right? Plus Bethany, my hetero-wife, is with me so it really can't be so bad. But the thing that sucks is that my next class of the day is atmosphere and climate and that one doesn't start until 7pm. Balls. So I bought that $138 textbook (which is even more balls) and came home. I won't go tonight. Not because I'm lazy, I actually intend on going to most classes. It's just that if they let us early I'll be pissed. I'd much rather do something important like go to work (I've been really putting this off for a few days). I need to get going on planning things for my new position. I was supposed to start last week. I figured I deserved a few days off but I still need to bank some hours. Money is tight when the university makes you her bitch.

On the extremely positive side I have this insane amount of energy right now that inspired me to finally apply for my loan. I am the worst procrastinator ever. Looks like tuition will be paid after all. I'm actually happy I'm not getting as much as I used to. Less debt to pay. Even if it means I get to wear my torn jeans and old t shirts for another year. Screw fancy clothes, the poor student look is chic. But really, so much energy that I wanted to actually do yoga, I considered quitting being a destructive lazy kid. I'm going to get a haircut today and pay attention to what I'm eating because lately I look like a stressed out, well, student. Messy hair, wrinkled clothes, makeup-less face, sunglasses and coffee in hand. I even picked up an add drop form today and bought a notebook. I remembered how much I actually kinda like sitting in a class, especially with Beth. Thank god for her or I'd shoot myself in class for sure. We pass notes like 14 year olds and draw pictures of the profs with speech bubbles. For serious. Maturity is overrated yo. And btw how the fuck did I come to be in fourth year? This is a really unfunny joke and depressing to say the least. Abbee is experiencing a similar funk. She's started her last year of high school. Poor Babs was so sad leaving for school the other day, knowing it was her last first day at Harrow. Quinten took her by the arms, shook her, and said in his best dramatically deep voice, "Make it the best year ever!" My baby brother is wise beyond years lol.

Oh and my soap addiction is growing. I bought Lush lotion, cleanser, 2 more body soaps, and an energy boosting shower bomb. Fuck my addictive personality, I live for smelly soap. And I LOVE smelling like oatmeal, so fuck Chanel.

Much oatmeal-y-smelling-soap love

I am writing graffiti on your body

2008-09-01T20:26:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to Ani DiFranco who has amazing music, music-y poetry. Shit that makes you listen, pretty words strung together in puzzles that make sense. Music that makes me want to buy a guitar, develop some dred locks, live under a tree and do nothing but think about pretty things that will never ever generate a steady income. I wish I could write poetry more than I wish I had the ability to fly lol. And that one's a life long daydream. I'm wearing flowy skirts and ditching the makeup as of late. I've developed a love for yoga, tai chi and organic food. Not to mention I just happen to obsess over vegan soap. More for the smell of oatmeal cookies than the actual vegan-ness. I'm not too keen on giving up my red meat right now. But give it a year, who knows... I digress. lol Yeah, the hardcore hippie life won't happen. I love my red lipstick and black heels way too much. Who says you have to be one way or the other? Not I.

Last night was a mess. Busted out the whiskey and decided to drink with family that was down. Mess, mess, mess. Not that I was sick or even really far gone. I had one of those god awful emotional waves that sometimes come when your mental state is slightly off. I think it was a mix of looming school, the end of camp, feeling guilty for lying to people lately (white lies but what's the difference in the end?), and generally feeling lonely. Feeling lonely is a fucking trip for me. I hate that I have the human need to sometimes rely on people and relationships. It's not that I can't be alone, I'm not one of those girls who has to go out every night or latch herself in a string of disastrous relationships to feel validated and full of purpose. But, if I could just be completely independent I truly believe I would be so much better off. Makes me feel weak and reliant and I hate it. The last thing I ever want to be is one of those girls who plan their life around others or just one person. What a nightmare. If I was a totally independent I could then focus completely on school and work and what I want for myself. Maybe that's terrible, to wish away attachment. But, then I wouldn't feel bad about ever leaving anyone or anyplace. It just seems incredibly liberating. Unfortunately that's not the case and I have a tendency to feel guilty for wanting to move away from everyone and for holding grudges against people who would up and leave and not miss me as much as I would miss them. Mostly, I can't help but feel torn between being isolated and finding someone who's life would compliment my own in the most beautiful way without suffocating me completely. Doesn't it feel so good to know that you can do anything and go anywhere without worrying about how it affects someone else? But, doesn't it feel good when someone just wants to hold your hand because it's attached to your arm and no one elses? You can hold my hand but it still belongs to my arm.

I think these are my favourite Ani DiFranco lyrics as of yet:

We could be stuck in traffic for over a week with a car full of quintuplets who are all cutting teeth and around my neck could be a flaming Christmas wreath and I'd be smiling underneath

and also:

tell you the truth i prefer the worst of you

too bad you had to have a better half

she's not really my type

but i think you two are forever

and i hate to say it but

you're perfect together

so fuck you

and your untouchable face

and fuck you

for existing in the first place

and who am i

that i should be vying for your touch

and who am i

i bet you can't even tell me that much

And the moral of the story is I am a fucking emotional girl who wishes she were made of stone. There is something to be said for my desire to be a living statue. Haha, pretentious artists and psychologists would read so much into this and say I already am one.

Scary.

And now, a rant.

2008-08-24T20:50:00.000-07:00

I really almost lost my mind today. I stood and listened to my aunt ramble on about this time she took my cousin to Toronto and saw him looking at the homeless people. Of course he had never seen a homeless person before. My aunt told everyone at the table (a group of elderly church women) how she explained to her son that they were not to feel sorry for this person because they weren't really poor. They are tricking you to get money she said, dressing up and pretending to be poor and we shouldn't feel bad for them. We shouldn't make eye contact and ignore them completely.

I could go off in a huge bitch rant about how this sends me into a fit of anger that borders on rage. At the time I actually stopped her and said, "That is terrible. That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard." What I wanted to say was, listen bitch, your son deserves the truth. The truth is that this person may or may not have chosen this life for themselves. Who are you to judge them? Who are you to say we don't need compassion in this world? Go ahead, teach your child not to make eye contact but heaven forbid you ever fall on hard times and need help. Heaven forbid you ever feel the shame of asking for a handout. You don't have to give money to people on the street but don't make them out to be criminals and scary people to children. I hate ignorance and I hate spreading ignorance to children even more.

She told me I was too young to understand and to wait until I was older to speak about such things... Oh good. You're an ageist too. Even better than I thought.

....

I'm 21 years old and have been lucky enough to have seen and experienced three times as much as you. Fuck off. The older I get the more amazed I am with the attitude of my elders towards the rest of society. These are the people who raised me? I don't recognize them sometimes. I am confused but mostly sad. I don't want people to be perfect. I want the opposite. I want recognition of bias and flaw. You may not understand and that's okay. You don't always have to be right and neither do I.

I've run out of words.
It's bed time.

You are so fucking lucky

2008-08-20T20:04:00.000-07:00

This is the first time I've felt like writing in forever. Mostly because nothing has been happening that makes me want to go type crazy. Work has been stressful and to write every detail would be a draining, exhausting experience. I almost feel that if I don't document it there's a possibility I can forget about it and move on. If I put it in words it exists on hardcopy and can be revisited. I'm very good at forgetting and altering memories if i have to. It's why I keep coming back to my job, I push and hide and tuck away the bad memories so I can start fresh.... I think. It makes sense now that I think about it. The good moments outweigh the bad even though they are terribly less frequent.

Amanda Palmer came and went. Bittersweet. Short but so fantastic that it should sustain me for a while. It could sustain me for a very long time if it had to. The hostil was beautiful and clean and yellow! I can't wait to go back. We had this huge balcony all to ourselves and a room named after Will Shatner. I bought soap and dragged Christopher to every eccentric and girly store on Queen St. and he was a good sport about it. I did feel bad that the soap girls kept shoving bars of "I should co co" and "honey I washed the kids" in his face. We went back to the Red Lion and sat outside this time. We had wine and adventures for an opener that we had all the while, we made friends with a raccoon and he made his stenciled t shirt. Another adventure in the rain for an exact-o knife was inevitable. We drowned in wine and beer, ate pub food and for a day I lived how I'd like to everyday. The show itself was surreal. We had dinner at the Rivoli. Correction: we drank dinner at the Rivoli and chased the Jack Daniels and Keiths with a divided pita. How could we possibly eat when the show was hours away? I drank lots and thankfully entered that perfect light headed state that just made everything feel giddy and light. We met two fans who put up wtih our excitement. It was nice to find new people who shared our enthusiasm when most just stare at you, blank faced and confused. That gets boring real fast. We talked for a while and like I said, it was so nice to meet people who understand something you love when it can't be explained to your regular friends or even family. Vermillion Lies opened and I knew their music was cute and catchy but I was expecting mediocrity. I was so wrong. They were hilarious and charming and everything a sister act in cabaret should be. Then Amanda came out and she was so beautiful. The room was so small that we sat up on a bar and could see perfectly. She held up signs and lip sang to ben folds while we cheered and she expressed her love. My state of euphoria allowed me to buy two t shirts and I just sat in awe and watched my whole summer flash before my eyes while she sang. We had to leave early so Chris could catch his flight to Germany, and yes it was sad but understandable. I couldn't be angry. I got to go away and stay in my favourite place, I saw my favourite person with one of my best friends. Who could be angry after that? I can't be selfish like that, it was really one of those moments where I had to stop and say, "You are so fucking lucky you were here at all. You need to take this for what it is or you will spend your life never being thankful for anything." And so, we RAN. lol We ran to the hostil, we ran out of it, we ran into a cab and flew through traffic like cracked out gangstas. We caught our bus in time and drank red wine while middle aged people stared in horror. How perfect to see a man in a bowler hat and a girl in a funeral veil drinking vino from the bottle on a midnight greyhound. It could only end this way. I'll never forget it.

The more I have these experiences and plan my own adventures the more I believe there is much for me to do and see. I genuinely feel like something is waiting and coming, something big. It could just be hoping and wishing but knowing that the small plans I make work out gives me hope that bigger ones will too. The more beautiful things I see the more I hear this voice that says, "Kid, you don't even know..." Fuck, if I can learn to juggle in a day I can do anything.

I had more to say but that whole story has made everything else insignificant right now. Blah blah blah, work is fine, I got a promotion, I learned to juggle, I got into the class I wanted, blah blah blah. All I know is I'm going to see Amanda Palmer again one day and actually meet her. I'll thank her for making me want more out of life.

And for now I'm going to drink orange ginger decaf tea and maybe play some loudcrowd. But Christopher's not here to play and that means it's just creepy getting those automated one liners from randoms. "I'm on fire baby." Ugh.

Much wicked-artsy-free-love <3

"I am so happy you all came" -A.F.P.

July skies, fire flies

2008-07-19T10:55:00.000-07:00

I meant to write this a long time ago.

Last week I went for a walk for about an hour. I was feeling pretty low. In comparison to last summer...well there is no comparison. I have two good friends left in this town. And thank god for them or I would be lost. My job is good but the staff has changed and my work friends are gone. They all leave the messes for me and I end up volunteering. I don't care. I'd do almost anything to make sure camp runs smoothly but I don't like being taken advantage of. I have yet to have a bon fire or camp out. I miss so many people that have left. And so I have found a safe hiding place out in the open at night. I walk from one side of town to the other listening to music and paying attention to everything except for the people. I have to admit living in the middle of nowhere has some redeeming qualities and that's why I got out at night, to find the things that make staying here somewhat worthwhile for now. There is this spot on the outskirts of town, towards the lake, where the oldest cemeteries are found and the closest apple orchards begin. Right there where the road bends you can stand and look out over a soy bean field and see hundreds of fire flies, like moving flickering stars. Directly above was the moon, whole and circled in blue. I wanted to stay longer but the bugs were biting so I created this mental picture instead.

Tonight some friends return. Next weekend I go and see the street performances at the river. Two weeks later and I'm off to Toronto for the glorious punk cabaret. I'm staying optomistic kids. Summer's not over yet.

"But, you are my love the astronaut, flying in the face of science. I will gladly stay an afterthought. Just bring back some nice reminders."

I am coming Ms. Palmer. And vacation is coming to me!

Oh and I almsot forgot! In university I used to have all kids of dreams about tornados when I was stressed. Last night I had my first tornado dream in probably a year. It was the biggest one yet, an F5 for sure. And no matter how hard I tried I couldn't run. I hope it's a symbol of the past rather than the future. :-)

Much love kids

Happy camper

2008-07-08T18:04:00.000-07:00

I am so tired. I fell asleep on my keyboard. I have 65 daycamp kids. For the most part they are wonderful. The new ones and the regulars. If it weren't for them I'd be totally loosing it. I'm pulling ten hour days on average.

I understand that its strange and awkward working with someone who is supposed to be your supervisor who is also your peer. But every comment does not need to be an attack. Not every minor incident is the end of the world. Breathe, relax, the kids are smiling. Parents are happy. The world still spins for all we know. We're all learning together. Why does it have to be difficult? Life isn't as hard as you make it out to be. In short, we as a group need to work on communication. Or maybe manners. Maybe it's the same thing.

And despite the stress I still have the best job in the world. When you have a genuine conversation with a kid who is going through a tough time and they tell you how much they like camp it makes it worth it. When you are hugged and thanked and you hears screams of, "I don't want to go home!" Then you know there is something worthwhile left for you to do everyday and though small, it matters.

But now I'm bored and still tired and no one is here. I don't feel like watching a movie alone... I don't feel like doing much of anything alone.

When I grow up

2008-06-18T19:15:00.000-07:00

When I grow up I want to:

be an artist

work with other artists

perform in some capacity

tour and travel

design

i don't want to necessarily be rich and famous, I don't really want that at all

i want to meet lots of people and feel inspired everyday

i want to paint and dance and sweat and laugh

Something has to change. I'm drowning in monotony.

Time to leave this place, and soon.

My Birthday

2008-06-17T19:44:00.000-07:00

I hate my birthday. Not because I get older. I could care less about age. That's a semi lie. Turning 20 was a near tragedy at first but 21 is no sweat. I hate it when people call and make a big deal, like I did something really important. I'd rather celebrate good grades or gettting a promotion at work. And I guess birthdays can be for celebrating a years accomplishments but its not like we actually think about that come a friend's birthday. And besides, I'm not going to list them for you. A relelvant accomplishment should be celebrated in THAT moment anyways. But it seems birthdays are a bigger deal and yet, I have done nothing but stayed alive for another 365 days. I don't even like cake. Sure, I like celebrating an overall year of success but I always thought thats what the holidays were for. On New Years we all celebrate together and no one is singled out. Not that singling out accomplishments is bad. I just prefer the celebrating everyone at the same time. "I love you, I love that you're here, thanks for being in my life, let's all be in love with each other and hope that we get another year of this together." That's more fun than my birthday. "Cheers to me, I squeezed my way out of a uterus, let's drink." I don't think so. And so in a week from today I will be 21. I took my birthday off facebook. Those who genuinely wish me a happy birthday are welcome to do so. Those who feel obligated because the feed told you so will not have to worry about keeping up with the Jones'. lol You're off the hook. I don't need my inbox flooded anyways. I love that people want to take me out and celebrate with me, I can't wait to see those I love. I guess I should add that I have nothing against celebrating birthdays in general, if you love your birthday more power to you, I envy it.

I already know I'm getting a camera. What I really want is a twenty dollar band shirt I should have bought months ago. Tragic. If only they'd ask. lol. I could save them money.

Much love

There is no title, just incoherent sounds in my throat

2008-06-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

This summer is officially going to be beautiful. There is no way in hell that it couldn't. Even if everyday rained, as long as I make it to Toronto on August 9th to see Amanda Palmer it will be absolutely fantastic. I found out today and yelled, I screamed, I shook my sister. Finally something to look forward to! I was so afraid that this summer would be awful, work and no play. But this is the best news I could have gotten. The circus is coming to town kids, and I'm gonna be front and center.

At this very moment life=love and love=life. I'm on cloud nine and I'd like to stay. At least for the night. Did I mention the summer isn't going to suck afterall?

: ) You don't even know.

Goodbye forever Crash!

2008-06-06T20:20:00.000-07:00

I have sleep issues. People say they call my house in the morning, people say they call my cell phone. I never hear it. Apparently my phone alarm rings and I shut if off. I never remember this. I have this theory that it's an escape mechanism. My subconscious self just shoots the world a big ol' middle finger and keeps dreaming about lots of things. Awful things, good things, things that would make you wonder. I could care less about reality when i finally wake up. I guess my mom tried to call three times in a row and I just kept dreaming on through it. Good. I have no excuse for people than, "Obviously my body needs the rest." And who am I to say it's a lie?

And now for a strange story:

Last week I ran into my devastating high school let down. The reason I became cynical. He left town ages ago. It's really not so dramatic. It wasn't some great love, just a huge disappointment. I really should thank him. He taught me how to be guarded, to be wary of words (and men in general), and strange promises with underlying motives. Mostly the kind that last a night. Anyways we were at the same place, same time. I was halfway to inhebriation and thought what the hell. So, there I was with my high school crash (not crush) and grade school boyfriend, drinking, while they just asked me questions about how and why and when I changed. I just laughed and said I grew up, and asked them when they got old and why they havn't changed at all. High school let down was VERY friendly, rubbing my back, standing and talking very close. I had to try really hard not to laugh. I considered the unspeakable. Maybe I could be a little reckless, maybe I could forget all that other shit for a little bit and have fun, maybe my 17 year-old-self was cheering me on. Nah, lol the idea of adding another chapter to that ridiculous book of teenage disaster was laughable. So I used my well tuned defenses that he so lovingly gave me three odd years ago. At the end of the night he muttered something about how we never see each toher and probably wouldn't again for a very long time. "How tragic," I smiled, "Goodbye forever then!" And turned out the door, arm in arm with my girlfriend.

I could be brilliant, I could be an idiot. My 17 year-old-self hates me. My almost 21 year-old-self loves me. He's not what I want. Much too pretty. haha

Much love.

Kissy face

2008-06-03T20:38:00.000-07:00

Today was probably the most productive day in months. I placed a camp order, tons of prizes and toys for the kids. We handed out post cards to the businesses in town. I got t shirt prices (but have yet to actually place an order). I paid my speeding ticket before getting a notice in the mail! This is pretty huge for me, being the procrastinator that I am. Proof of my legendary procrastination skills comes in the money owed to school. Who I am happy to say received an e mail from me today promising speedy payments now that I am thankfully employed. I really do have a certain gentleman to thank for all these accomplishments. Now that he is finished working he has become my biggest helper and motivation for getting the dirty business out of the way. Feels good, like living someone elses life for a bit lol. I'm being led to believe the only true key to success is initiative and organization. Who knew?

~~~

On a very lovely and free Sunday Jakey and I went on an adventure including Big Breakfast (a fast growing tradition), Colasantis, and flower shopping. Here is my photo essay:

Jake pretending he and the goat are downtown after a night of drinking:

Me playing with a baby who tried to eat my favourite jeans. Monster.

More fun with the goats. I had this really funny feeling they knew they were being mocked.

Playing kissy face with beauty. We taught her to say "How yu durrrin?"
All in all fantastic. The past 2 days have felt like an entire week of glorious breakfasts, car rides, flower shopping, sunshine, pizza dinners and movie nights. I can have my cake and eat it too.

Back to semi reality today. I taught my fantastic art attack class that consists of five of the cutest little girls you will ever meet in one room. They will all be beautiful girls one day, each one in her own way is stunning. I love watching them dance and play and paint. Most of the time they are more taken up with cutting up pieces of feathers and pipe cleaners than actually creating a unified craft. They can just sit there and watch the glitter on their hands and never think to glue it to anything. Beads are more fun loose in your pockets than on string and the little shapes that come from cutting holes in paper are more interesting than the empty spaces left in the paper. I hate inhibiting crafts anyways. I would much rather prefer to let them come up with own creation than anything I suggest.

I could go on but I have to try and sleep. I have a day of babysitting tomorrow with my boys. Hopefully they're tired in the morning and we can all relax together. I've had trouble sleeping lately and don't really know why. Strange dreams and trouble waking up are becoming a constant nuisance.

Much love

To do in the next few days:

2008-06-01T21:16:00.000-07:00

Get t shirt prices and numbers

Remember to go to first aid training (because I totally spaced on it today)

Pay speeding ticket (before they lock me up)

Pay the university (in magic beans and whatever else I have of value)

Change old day camp signs around Essex county

Get car serviced (when I don't need it? haha yeaaaaah)

Come up with camp brainstorms for meeting on Friday

Finish camp inventory and type it up

Put up flyers

Think of other things I need to order in bulk

I'm sure there's more. This is the only place I can put it right now and not lose it.

Oi to the world.

I heart my life/job/insanity.

And when not doing the camp life I take not-so-serious hat pictures in very serious faces.

Much love

11:11

2008-05-28T21:21:00.000-07:00

For about a week I have caught myself looking at the clock at exactly 11:11 every night straight. I'm not being overly dramatic, I just find it funny, humorous, and strange. I honestly laugh to myself every time and wish for the same damn thing because I have nothing to lose. Tonight was the first night I missed it. I looked at the clock at 12:11 instead. Fate is a tease. But so am I, right Mack? lol

Planning for camp is going really well. I figured out the mystery of spread sheets, which is actually incredibly simple and I've gone all organized and professional on myself. Let's just keep our fingers crossed that I can keep it up. I'm getting really comfortable in my position. I thought I was really going to miss the constant interaction with the kids (which I will). I guess my mentality right now is that from behind the scenes I can better control and create the environment and atmosphere of camp. Which means various nonstop overlapping and simultaneous activities. Which also means tons of takedown and set up for me. Oi, for you kids I'll do it. My one and crippling problem as of late is that I cannot spend money, especially other people's. Yes, yes a young girl with a strange spending problem, how cliche of me. But my craft list was a whopping 10 items. Luckily, my support system can spend money like water and we're balancing each other out. I also find it hysterical that my biggest problem right now is choosing between cheap gorilla and squirrel mascot costumes on Ebay. And a month ago I was stressing over school...yeah I pretty much love summer more than peppermint tea. And that says a hell of a lot.

Going through the vault I found something I wrote years ago for creative writing:

If I ever really miss you, I promise I won't call.
I'll just talk to your photos, the burned ones on the wall.
And if you should ever wonder what became of my black heart,
I tore it up in pieces, I collaged, and call it "art"
So, I don't worry about skipping beats and butterflies inside.
Life is infinitely simpler when your emotions have all died.
Let's call the friends and family, plan a funeral parade.
Come mourn the the bitter ending, respects are to be paid.
"How sad," they'll say, "To be so young. Surely it wasn't time,"
"For feeling to have decomposed. What tragedy and crime."
But there I'll be, smiling away, ignoring their foul tears,
Content to live in numbness for the remainder of the years.

Emo much? Yeeesh. I might sell this to Deathcab. I probably ripped off the essence of their songs as inspiration anyways. My rhyming skills are also a marvel lol. Although, I'm kind of fond of the collage line.

"Right now I can be happy if I choose to. I know that in the morning I will lose you."
Now there is a line I can only wish to have written. New Dresden Dolls makes the world a better place. If my cd doesn't come soon this town will burn. Or, just the post office. How I wish I was going to Rothbury to see them and the whole beautiful circus cabaret wonderland. I'd beg them to take me with them and never go home again. What a 21st birthday that would be.... I almost cried about it today. (I AM overdramatic thanks for noticing) So close and yet so far has never rang so true.

If I happen to catch the clock at 11:11 tomorrow we all know what I'll be wishing for. <3

Much love

Stop it

2008-05-18T23:12:00.000-07:00

I need you to be happy for me, to say congratulations, to say something other than useless blather. I need to be told that I deserve this, that you were wrong and I'm okay afterall. Because, I feel broken, like you tore me up inside and now I don't matter. I'm so tired, I just want to sleep and I can't.

I hate you. I hate you.

No, forget it.
I can tell myself. I deserve this and so much more. Fuck your assumptions. Fuck my doubts.

This should have been a good night.

Random Weekend

2008-05-17T21:27:00.000-07:00

I won 200 dollars last night at the casino. I understand why people develop gambling addictions. You just keep thinking that one more bet will do it, the machine is ready to pay if you're patient enough. I like setting limits, breaking even, knowing ahead of time how much money I am willing to loose. And importantly, remembering where my money is going. It would be different if the money was going towards a good cause. I can't justify throwing away hundreds of dollars to a casino to make the rich richer. That's disgusting. Which makes me think that I need to re-evaluate where the majority of my money goes.

Abbee just ran through the kitchen. Probably drunk? Crying? We'll see. Ohhhhh, maybe a late night older sibling lecture is in order. Lucky thing doesn't know the parentals are in bed.....

(5 minutes later)
Not drunk, possibly and probably slightly buzzed, and wearing a boy's sweater. Oh well, no bad cop Frankee tonight. There's always the pre prom lecture to look forward to.

I went out last night to usual Friday night haunt. I brought my sister for her first pub experience and I think she liked it. My friend berated the guitar player until he played "Piano Man," which he didn't know very well, it was a short version of three verses and probably not in the right order whatsoever. But we sang at the top of our lungs anyways and the whole thing is on tape, soon to be posted for the pleasure of the entire internet community. Many sweet potato fries were eaten, and lots of beer was enjoyed. Overall, it was a great time. Something was bugging me for about a minute but beer and singing can always clear up any worries.

Biggest news of the week: I recieved a really unexpected surprise at work when I found out that I will be the new coordinator of camp. People ask if I'm excited. Scared shitless is more like it. I didn't realize I wanted the job. I hadn't considered getting it because I thought for sure someone else would. I was even told last year that I wasn't coordinator, "material," by a friend. Now that I think about it, I could do it, I still have some things to learn but I havn't been working for two years in the winter season for nothing. I've been working towards something bigger and I didn't realize it was time to move up. It's a huge step as far as my responsibilities go and a lot of extra work. I havn't been in a large leadership position since high school. I've kind of missed being in a in a position that allows me to create something more or less in my own image. I guess it's a fancy way of saying I miss being the boss. I'm so glad I decided not to do intersession so that I can put virtually all my energy into this. I've been so bored lately and planning for camp is something I would be happy to do in any spare time. I have great help too, and a lot of support. I'm just so excited to organize and plan and make changes and I'm being a complete nerd and I don't care! All I really know is that I love camp and now I have the ability to do almost anything I want.

Sidenote:
There's this part in the movie Juno where she has just told her dad she's pregnant and he says, "I thought you were the kind of girl who knew when to say when." And she says, "I don't really know what kind of girl I am." THAT'S my favourite part.
I'm all kinds of messed up girl and I kinda like it.

Have a good long weekend, wherever you are.

Much love

Bitch

2008-05-15T11:57:00.000-07:00

Bitch wore my favourite scarf to school today and I wrote the better part of a novel about her??

UGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHG

I take it all back. Only children have it so good. Enjoy the sweet life lonely kids.

W/e. I'm through.

;-)

Happy 17th Baberella (eh eh eh)

2008-05-14T21:20:00.000-07:00

I meant to go house hunting and ended up with a tattoo. That is so my life. That is strangely typical. I don't plan these things. Every piercing or slight body modification (even drastic hair colour and cut) has been spur of the moment. I don't think things over, I don't like to doubt myself. It's been this way for so long and I realized it at a pretty young age. Probably in the seventh grade when I cut my hair off. Truth be told it was probably way back in the first grade when my long black hair down my back was clipped to a spikey horrific mess due to head lice. I guess it's a survival thing. I decided a long time ago that there would be no regrets. It's not worth mulling over the small insignificants. Hair grows, piercings close, tattoos can be hidden (if you're lucky). But, they remind of us of who we were in a moment in time. Maybe I'll carry a piece of being twenty with me forever. Yeah, yeah I don't need body ink for that but I need a physical reminder. Like a daily pinch that reminds me, "Hey you fool, slow down, rock out, breathe, and let it go." Anyways the damn thing itches like hell. And no, it didn't hurt. it was a good pain for the most part, annoying as fuck at times though.

I'm thoroughly enjoying my new job babysitting. I like to think of it more as a nanny position. Although, the senile dog club likes to pee all over the floor when I'm alone with them. I cleaned up puppy pee 3 times in an hour today. I'd think it was in spite if they weren't so cute in their poor old age. And there is the small problem of the one child who likes to throw things at me when we play. Usually right in my face. Blocks, puzzle pieces, used tissues....it all goes at Frankee. I can discipline but he's pretty persistent. He's not bad, we're just testing each other still.

Happy 17th Birthday Baberella. It's my little sister's birthday and if I don't write about her she might shank me in my sleep. What can I say about the middle child that is my teenage sister? Well she's incredibly stubborn and terribly aggressive. She's the only four-year-old I've ever known that could take on any elementary school punk, toothless and all. I guess she's pretty smart even though we all know she's riding the coat tails of some pretty exceptional older siblings. All lies. She does it on her own I guess. Most of my teachers are gone now anyways. ;-) She's tough, she bounces back and she knows how to stick up for herself. I envy her ability to put her head ahead of her heart which I need to practice still. She's probably one of the only people in the world I can be completely myself around (the others being siblings and "lucky" friends) she understands my weird sense of humor, and I hers. She lets me gush on about things that she has no interest in whatsoever if only to stand and pretend to listen because she knows no one else will. When we're happy and feeling like bunnies on E we jump around the kitchen to Meatloaf and Billy Joel blarring away for the entire neighborhood to despise. She's one of two people I would let see myself loose control like that. (The other being another sister who deserves her own paragraph in her own time). We have photo shoots from time to time doing ridiculousness like squirrel hunting and hiding in giant BC trees. If you have a particular favourite small child keep them away from her. She will surely win them over in a matter of time. They will forget you even exist and simply talk about how special she is to you or just to themselves. I have seen this. So now you must know how wonderful she is because we all know that children are the most honest creatures in the world. Their purity makes them incapable of lies. Unlike boys and telemarketers. Happy Birthday Gaja Face. You're like the cheese to my macaroni, if I even really liked mac and cheese. It's hypothetical w/e. I like you a lot, you know, if "like" meant crazy-mad-love.

F bomb out

Much "like"

I'm tired

2008-05-04T22:30:00.000-07:00

It's warm outside. This means I can sit outside on my porch at night and drink tea and the whole street is asleep and no one is the wiser. I walked across my front lawn and all the house lights were out. Nothing but me and quiet and stars. A spider sat beside me and didn't move and everything stood still for five whole minutes. Joy to the world, summer's here.

Last night was awful. I meant to go out, I should have gone out, if only to get dressed up and leave. But when I got home from work everyone was gone already. I hear they think I'm anti-social. It's not true, I can be social when I want to. I don't like to be with people who will talk about me when I'm not around. I'm different than you, accept it and move on. I'm not better than you, I'm different. I won't defend it, not anymore. Sidenote: Please don't put down what I like or do, not to my face. I absolutely hate being cut down for things that make me happy. It's not hurting you. I get it enough, back off.

Tomorrow I house hunt. Time for a new home to be a recluse in. One with a porch preferably.

Much love

Friday morning

2008-05-02T10:20:00.000-07:00

It's Friday morning. I'm in my Black Sabbath t-shirt and pjs drinking a monster sized tea and dancing to Metric in the kitchen. It's pouring rain outside and my nasty cold is almost gone. I got As in all my classes.

I can hear thunder outside.

HHHOOOOOOLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

I want to remember this moment.

MUCH love

Carpe the shit out of that diem

2008-05-01T21:46:00.000-07:00

Wednesday I had my first full day of babysitting. There is something about this place that I like very much. The kids are great, mostly well behaved. The oldest can be a handful. I get the feeling he's testing me out, seeing what he can get away with. It would be easier to discipline if I didn't think mom or dad could hear me in the next room. The little guy has a tendency to say, "Die, die, why won't you die?" Which I guess he picked up from Madagascar. He likes to wrestle and has a tendency to throw a little punch at me when no one's looking. I give him a stern look and tell him that's not nice and he tries to get away with a cute smile. lol Nice try buddy, that does not work with me. When I was 16 I once babysat a little boy who would literally beat me with closed fists until I was bruised. he had the other kids sit on me and pin me down while he let me have it. That job didn't last long thank god. I'm going to bring him to play with my brother for some quality boy ime since I'm not versed in the playing strategies of males. He also has a tendency to call me Amanda or Frankee Amanda which I don't mind so much. It's cute. They have 4 dogs and while the boys nap in the afternoon I get to check my e mail, nap or read from the extensive library that includes many Chuck Palahniuk titles. All of which I've been meaning to read. Not to mention there are seasons of The Office, Curb Your Enthusiasm and Arressted Development for me to watch if I choose. It's my kind of place already. They feed me oatmeal with raisins, grilled cheese sandwiches and tea. I think I'll stay. I don't know what it is about this place but it seems familiar. It could be the slight chaos of a lived-in house or the constant thumping of kids running up and down the hallway but I like it, and I hope they like me too. Unfortunately, I was coming down with a nasty head cold all day. I called in sick to work after leaving and went to bed for 7 hours. Bad idea. I was up that night from 11 30 till almost 4 am.

So now I'm recovering on a strict diet of tea, orange juice, Nyquil, Cold FX, advil and allergy medicine. I think I had well over 10 pills today. I scare myself with my pill cocktails sometimes. But I feel very little right now and it's a nice numbness.

I watched Grey's Anatomy tonight. I have the strangest love/hate relationship with that show. I love the characters and the their relationships and the stupid sappy voice overs that tie them all together in the end. It makes me wish I was dead and breaks my cold black heart. Someone on that show is always crying, or heartbroken or my personal favourite--putting on a front when they are practically dying inside. There is a strange mix of happy and sad that keeps you coming back for more. Someone dies, someone lives, someone makes up, another breaks up. All in one hour. And then for the rest of the night I go emo. I can relate almost all the characters to people in my life and the love/hate relationship I carry for them too. We're all seeking approval, putting on a front to protect ourselves from hurt, avoiding the one person we shouldn't, trying to fit in, and hiding behind our work. It makes me think I am way too cynical for my own good. Life is short. Carpe the shit out of that diem.

Cold medicine makes me loopy and emo. I'm thinking too much now. I'm going to bed.

......find someone who makes you happy and squeeze tight.

Much love

Flung and Fling

2008-04-29T10:03:00.000-07:00

The last three days have been a blur. So much has happened, small and big that it seems like enough change to last a month. Maybe I've just grown used to the monotonous winter that was work and school. Things are happening around me, to me; and I can't help but chalk it up to the natural course of rebirth that is spring itself.

I thought that Friday was just a random day of insanity but apparently it will be dragged on a little longer. I have a job on Wednesdays babysitting for two adorable little boys, making very good money that I would be silly to pass up. On Sunday I found out the university is giving me am award with a nice bit of money that will be a welcome help to the school fee I've been ignoring. I've been meeting new people, I'm running into old friends. I'm planning the most perfect birthday trip and looking into a house for next year. I've discovered threading my eyebrows is heaven sent and that I like my new navy blue hair colour. But, spring is unpredictable. Sunny and 75 in the shade on Monday, 45 and raining by Tuesday. I had the opportunity to join an educational puppet show (this Wednesday) that works with the board of education. Not wanting to make a bad first impression on my new job I passed it up with a plea that if they should ever need someone to volunteer I would be more than happy to help. OH, and for reasons unknown my face has been itchy for three days. It's sensitive and reacts to almost anything like the weather, makeup, or food. So please, stop bugging me. I hate waking up reddish and puffy.

Details on the birthday trip include two nights in my favourite town in the world and a show. We might stay at this B&B with free breakfast and wine. They will even pack you a picnic! I think we would just die. It's hard to work everyones schedules in and I would really love everyone to come but I know that's not likely. Then again, there's a whole summer open to be reckless, one weekend won't make or break, I hope.

I'm eating dried dates. They look like cockroaches.

I went for a drive today out of sheer boredom. I have no one in this town to call. All the people I would want to see are either working, very far away or don't want to see me as much as I want to see them. I can't just sit in front of the tv like I used to. It drives me bananas. It annoys me to no end. But, I saw my favourite magnolia trees by the lake. I counted all the magnolia trees, 11 in total. And then I took mental pictures because in a week they will be gone and break my heart. I should have taken real pictures. My mom always used to say she got married in early May just cause the magnolia trees were in bloom.

On to banana chips. They remind me of being five years old and in the car on my way to Florida. We used to stop at The Cracker Barrel and buy dried fruit, things I would never normally eat. But when in a strange place we would always soak up every bit of unfamiliarity and even eat differently. The smell of banana is tied to this for some reason.

Last cooking class tonight. Cupcakes and ice cream sandwiches. Should be easy enough. I will miss them. The last 5 weeks flew by. I hope the next 5 take their time. I have so much nothing to do still. The least I can do is enjoy it. Even if it turns to be just driving alone.

"I know we'll meet again
Maybe tonight
Just tell me where and when
I know it's never sure
Maybe tonight"

Seriously, I'm not trying to be cliche but this girl's lyrics always have something relevant in the moment. And right now I could have written it myself.

I miss you professor G. You know who you are <3

Much love

Sweet intoxication

2008-04-26T14:54:00.000-07:00

So the silver fox directing teacher actually gave me and A plus. NO SHIT. My absolute best final mark and the one I deserve the least. It's not like I did nothing but an A plus? That's a tad extreme. So, it's tainted but I'll take it. People come by success in life in many more screwed up ways than that. I didn't lie, cheat or steal so as far as I am concerned the universe and I are square.

Yesterday was the craziest day ever. I seriously thought I'd just get up and do nothing until movie night at work and then go out for a drink with one of my best girls. Not so. I mean yeah those things happpened but so did so many other ridiculous things. First, my uncle called who is a vice pronciple at a high school in the city. He needed an emergency supply teacher for a drama class in the afternoon. Scared shitless is a good way to describe how I felt in that moment. I had a half an hour to get ready and then drive to a school I've never been to. So I'm driving along, practically shaking and low and behold I get pulled over by the cops for going 94 in a 60. My first speeding ticket ever. But the officer was a very nice woman who was very understanding and reduced my fine to 30 dollars. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I get to the school and find out there is no lesson plan. NONE. Time for serious improvisation. I pulled out every game I could possibly think of that a high school class might want to play. The classroom (if you can call it that) was a disaster. No teacher's desk, no filing cabinet, piles of papers, books, props, costumes and general random debris everywhere. Chaos follows me wherever I go. The first class actually went well. There were 10 grade twelve students and everyone participated and I actually had a pretty good time. The second class had 27 grade tens. Yeeps. Slowly more and more students dropped out of the games as the class went on. Some came back for periods of time. About half were participating by the end of the class. I understand, they don't have to listen to me, I'm only playing games with them. They weren't completely rude or belligerent. One boy said the game was stupid and lame cause he couldn't figure it out. I told him it was funny everyone else could figure it out but him. I don't like attitudes. Some students were nice enough to hush others when I was speaking. I only raised my voice a few times, I know how well that works (...right). When the last bell went I was sooooo happy. I survived. I didn't do that bad. For having no lesson plan I think I actually did pretty good. It was adrenaline for sure.

Back home I went, and then to work. For 2 hours. Hooray. Then my friend came all the way to Harrow to pick me up and bring me to Windsor so I could drink and not worry about driving. Wes topped at house party first. Some big jerky hockey player asked if I thought I was a pirate (because of the skull scarf on my bag). I said yes with a straight face. I don't like assholes who think they're funny either. Then drunk asshole had the nerve to ask for a ride. Hells no Chi-ca-go, you ain't getting anywhere. So we sped away into the night leaving behind a group of angry drunk hockey players who were forced to call cabs. HAHAHA. I love my life. We went to my favourite pub in the city (mainly because the bouncer knows me by heart and doesn't make me pay cover), listened to live music (all my favourite bar songs!) and I had 3 pints of beer. OH I was feeling pretty good. We met up with some guys originally from my hometown who were a lot of fun and pretty much basked in the glory of being free from school.

At the end of the night my mom met us halfway home to pick me up. I was slurring awfully, going on about boys and hockey players and drama. She said I was prejudiced against hockey players. I just laughed and said maybe I am, but only against the majority. As soon as I came home my parents went to bed, probably so they wouldn't have to deal with me all slightly drunk. I went online, put on my favourite band, closed my eyes and thought about how it was like I was hearing them for the first time. I fell asleep on my keyboard. I woke up at 3:30, put on another song and did the same damn thing. By 4 I went to bed. Imagine if my family found me asleep at the computer in my clothes in the morning. haha they probably wouldn't be surprised at all. There are a few beautiful times when you're in an inhebriated state of bliss. No spins, no puking no headaches. This was one such time. I couldn't have started the summer any better.

"Together we're both alone, but I don't mind." Holla Nicole Atkins; you know my soul. Finally bought the album.

Much love

I'll go anywhere you want

2008-04-22T22:18:00.000-07:00

I am done exams. I handed in my last paper today at noon (let's not talk about how I was up till 3 am) and I'm not feeling the huge rush of relief that everyone else is gushing about. I still have to wait for all the final marks to come in and in the meantime there's the constant boredom. I realize I am probably being the most ridiculous pessimist in the world right now. But other than clean my room and work there is little to do here during the day. The last two years have driven me into a fitness mode where I take all the energy I usually put into note taking and turn it into looong walks and bike rides. I'll probably do it again. I like seeing all the green in the spring. I'm a nerd when it comes to the nature stuff, I eat it up and get all mushy about how pretty the flowers are in the smelly ditch. In a recent trip to B.C. I stood and gaped at a natural waterfall for a good ten minutes. I dragged my sister along that same nature trail multiple times in three days. I'm not the kind of girl who grew up camping, nor do I look the part of back-woods-roughing-it-kid but I can always oooh and awe over the beauty of things man did not create.... I just realized it's earth day. Honestly. Irony....ugh you cliche, you. *That's a picture of me marvelling at an overturned tree in BC. Again, much gapping was done.

And so now I face the void. Room cleaning, working, debt paying... maybe a trip to Toronto to visit the sister. Drinking? Probably. I can't even waste my time shopping cause it would just depress me. Although, I was amazed today to realize that I've never taken the time to look around the countless antique shops in my hometown. I love anything retro and old but out of a personal spite for this town I have avoided them for much too long. I don't even know what's in there. Once I clean out my winter mess I could probably find some treasure for when I move out and start decorating my own place. No, I don't have in mind per say...I'm working on it. I have no actual house, just this vision of an old, worn in, dark place with lots and lots of glass bottles, ancient furniture, random artifacts from the 20s and 30s. Lots of shelves of vinyls, fresh flowers, my own art work and mugs that never run out of tea. Run of the mill creepy-cozy.

Cooking class ran today. We made pizza. I call it zaz. I like my name better. Anyways, when I got to work to find my groceries I realized that I would have to use real pizza dough and rough it betty croker style with my pre-school class. Last time we used bagels, super easy. I couldn't find the flour at first and everyone had dough stuck to their fingers like thick, gooey spiderwebs. I swear the moms who watch me think I haven't a clue some days. (I can't blame them, it's usually true, I improv most things). Although, they always compliment me on my patience, which I admit is a talent. I understand the instant attention children believe they need. Maybe I can relate. Eventually, I found the flour and only half the dough was wasted. No major problems with the preschoolers this week. A few spilled glasses on the floor, some zaz was stuck to the pans, and I had to improvise a game to fill dead baking time but other than that they loved their pizza. My second class came in quick and this time my favourite friend came back. I don't know if he wants attention, to unload a whack of energy or to sincerely get on my nerves but he cannot stop running around the kitchen. I try to give him special jobs but it's all in vain. Finally, after he felt the need to sword fight with a broom and very nearly smack a little girl in the forehead I put his pizza in the fridge and told him to sit down while the others ate. He told me I suck. I said thanks for noticing. I might have patience to beat the band but I can get sarcastic with kids that push me. One more week. I just wish I could figure out what this kid is trying to get at. There's obviously a bigger problem. ADD? Maybe. Maybe family stuff. I don't know. Wish I did.

...something is in the kitchen. Noises can be heard. Mom said she saw a mouse the other day. I'm chalking this up to rodent................Noises have ceased for the time being. Updates to follow.

And now I need to thank a very special girl who saved my ass last night after a night of drinking (her not me). Imagine coming home from the bar and finding your friend nearly dying over a paper at 3 am because they are so tired and drained that they cannot figure out how to format their paper. Most people would laugh, say sucks to be you, maybe offer a little encouragement and turn to bed. Not this angel. She took all my references and made my works cited. I owe you my life and my sanity kid! I'm never letting you go, that's for sure. I was nearly in tears and spinning from the anxiety but once again a friend pulls through. Every time (more like everyday) I think about becoming a recluse lovely individuals remind me I can't always do it on my own, nor should I. I like being independent for the most part. I just occasionally need someone to hold my hand and tell me the world isn't going to end if my final paper worth only 15 percent misuses capital letters in titles of journals. Literally and figuratively. I can be completely ridiculous but it takes very little to calm me down.

Time for the nightly music and tea ritual. Me time. 2 am is for creative juices. I love.

"Hometown heroes fall

As years go by

Like dominoes

A dark parade

I'll go anywhere

I'll go anywhere you want

If you'll take me

I know that I don't know you very well

But you seem cool enough

I don't care where you're going

Just take me with you

This place's got nothing

That I could want"

...................Nicole Atkins, you've done it again.

(Kitchen noises have subsided, I love my ghosts)

Much love.

Breathe and Smile

2008-04-20T10:30:00.000-07:00

I didn't go out this weekend. I worked for seven hours at a wrestling tournament. Basically I stood with a walkie talkie and an ice pack just waiting for someone to get hurt. The stress level was ridiculous. There was no EMS standing by! We always have medics around for skating competitions but wrestling dosen't??? Luckily I only saw a few bruises and pulled muscles. Apparently someone broke their collar bone before I got there. No offence to people who wrestle but it just doesn't look very appealing, and way too dangerous. I can't imagine not swearing at someone the moment they touched me. I'd probably bite someone if they trie to pin me to the ground. There's no way in hell you'd ever catch me in the one peice spandex disaster either. Skating dresses are another story altogether, it's really not the same at all. They have sequence and lace. I can deal with that. Wrestlers don't get to wear the most hideous shades of red and pink lipstick either. Clown makeup is half the fun. I'll take my no contact girly sport anyday.

My sister got back on the train to go back home today. I'm jelous. I would love nothing more than to get on a train to Toronto right now, espeically with the weather the way it is. I love trains, maybe because everytime I've been on one I've been going someplace exciting, maybe because you can see lots of things along the way, maybe I just love getting the section of four seats in the back corner. I can pretty much find my way around the city and I could always explore some more. I always find the most stellar underground shopping. lol Last time I found a store in a basement that sold retro musical theatre memorabilia. The black market has great shopping too. I'll have to go back this summer for sure, get some really cheap second hand stuff. Aw, I can't wait. I dream about running away everyday. Alone or not, I'd go far away live in an old house, have a part time job and spend the rest of my days starting over, creating art and drama and music. Hells yeah. That, or join the circus. Seriously how sick would that be??!! I'd do it. I think I'm drawn to the lifestyle because of the Portuguese gypsy blood. No lie. Grandma says so. Dad plays accordian, he's got it too.

I found out Francesca means white dove. I'm not sure how to relate this to myself yet, or if I can. I like another translation better...free. That's more me I think...

I like my hair today. I like my boobs too, I do. They're not too big right now, and my hands, despite the deep cuts around my thumbs that tell me I'm stressed out. They let me know when it's time to just let go. I like how I'm only wearing a little bit of makeup and I smell like vanilla. It's a good day. My grandmas magnolia trees are white and blooming across the street and I'm going to study on my front porch, with some orange pekoe. Sounds like a plan kids.

I can't stop listening to Nicole Atkins. She is just wonderful.

"Maybe if I paid attention I could learn to love the landscape I was born too..."
I know what you mean my dear.

Time to study. I'm still stressed but at least I slept better last night. Two night ago was awful. I kept waking up sweaty and panicky. It wasn't fun at all. I take comfort in knowing that no matter what happens Tuesday it'll all be over. I can't decide if the first thing I'll do will be get completely wasted or meditiate. Truly. I miss tai chi. I can crane like no other mo fo. "Just breathe and smile," he used to say.
Breathe and smile...

Happy Endings

2008-04-17T22:04:00.000-07:00

I locked my keys in the damn car. I hate that. I left my cell phone and ipod in there too. Thank god I grabbed my wallet before locking the door. So naturally, I was pissed. But let's start at the beginning because I'm getting ahead of myself. Things started out much worse than all this, it was just one of those days I will be happy to laugh at come tomorrow. I went to work at 6 like every Thursday to teach my favourite program about how to be home alone and safe. The kids are cool, they bring me pictures of concerts they go to, laugh at my stupid jokes and they even humor me by reading stories aloud and doing the various voices like it's a play. My boss left a note for me to call her. This is never a good thing. I have yet to be told to call for a pat on the back, it's not how things work. No news is good news, end of story. So I called right away, not wanting to make the situation any worse than it could potentially be. Even though I had no idea what it was about, you just never know what to expect. Apparently I've been signing in for too much set up and take down time. I've been doing this since September and they're just noticing? I didn't do it on purpose, it's a completely legitimate use of time and I was under the impression I could use it. I can dispute this and submit a list of all the things I do in the time span but I feel like that would be a waste of time. The hours are almost not worth it at all anymore. For example, the rental I was supposed to cover tonight didn't show up and so I got even less hours than usual. It's almost not worth the gas money to drive there anymore. I could have been studying. I love my job but when does experience and fulfilment become overshadowed by the money? I used to swear that working was never about the money, it wasn't at all. It was money that would help me, I didn't depend on it like I do now. I need to support my school debts, text books, credit card and phone bill. The school is fucking me over, so are the text books, the phone company, and now my job that I used to look forward to.

After all that I went to the gas station and locked my keys in the car. The gas station doesn't let you use their phone, and the pay phone takes 50 cents now, 50 cents I did not have. The girl at the counter was nice enough to let me use her cell phone but everyone in my family was at my sisters fashion show. There was literally no one I could call to bring me my extra key. Luckily, (i'm pretty sure nothing about this story is lucky) .... my car was not at the pump so I ran back to work and got a ride, from a co worker, to the local golden arches where I met a friend. Unfortunately, my friend was trying to study and probably not too impressed I was stranded with them until my mom came to bring me my spare key. (I finally called her from my friend's phone). So aside from being a nuisance and distraction I was also a pain to my mother who had to drive 25 minutes to bring me a key. I know she was angry because we went through drive through for coffee and the girl on the speaker asked her if she wanted anything else twice, both times she said no, without asking me if I wanted something. lol She must have been really mad. Sorry again mom.

So after that the vices are back. Kinda.

I guess I should just be thankful I have an extra key, last time I didn't. That's another debacle altogether. The really funny thing is that about an hour ago a friend called to say she lost her car keys (the same one who loves her tea). It's very natural that we would both have similar things happen to us and then freak about how we are such dunces over the phone. It's one of those things where you are complete opposites but exactly the same. So you always surprise each other with your differences but theres so much in common that there's no way you couldn't be friends. It's one of the healthier relationships I've found.

Tomorrow morning I'm getting up early to go to the library to try and finish some of my take home exam and visit my aunt who might be able to help. I really hope I can do it and not freak out the day before. I need to not stress. If I stress I will freeze up and I only have myself to drive crazy. And I'm already there. lol I will be so happy on Tuesday! I can't wait to feel sooooooo good. Like summer, like daycamp, like your favourite music coming on the radio randomly on the most beautiful day you can imagine, and butterflies and beer and cigars!

Sleep time. I'm going to dream about my drummer love. OOOhhhhh Today has a happy ending after all.....

Much love

Tea time.

2008-04-16T22:18:00.000-07:00

It's tea time. Something that's supposed to put me to sleep. It has peppermint in it and is absolutely wonderful. It may as well be called warmed up peppermint milk because there's so much of it. But thats how I had when I was little, with honey of course, so naturally that's the best way to enjoy it until forever. This is my favourite time of the day, the only time I can really think clearly at all. Its past 1 am and the entire house has gone to bed. It's just me and an empty house and my music. I can do pretty much whatever I want and completely decompress. It's so awfully strange and perfect all at the same time. During the day I have this need to be constantly stimulated by television, music, chores and the internet (all at the same time). I will find myself trying to listen to a song and watch tv at the same time and realize that I'm almost torturing my nervous system.

My sister's coming home tomorrow. I get to pick her up at the train station. She's a year younger than me but older in every way other than chronologically. She was always the first to do everything, skate on a team, go to prom, have a boyfriend, move away. She's brave like that. I envy it. Plus shes taller so everyone assumes she's older anwyays. We're going out this weekend cause she's going through some drama. I just hope I don't have to get dressed up. I'd much rather wear my converses and polka dots, climb on a makeshift stage and jump around like the reckless kid I pretend to be. Emilee would much rather put on the heels and have a cosmo. Not I sir, give me a pint of guinness and a pub with live music and I'm set for life. I find clubs annoying as hell. I'd gladly never go again. The whole thing is just raunchy and fake. I just get the icky feeling that everyone goes to be seen, not to have fun. And I'd like to shake the underagers. Let's go someplace where we can all just jump around like losers to weird old music the cool kids hate. Please?

Storytime:
On my way to the university I was driving in the middle of nowhere like I do everyday. The sun was shinning, obviously it was a beautiful day. All of a sudden the car ahead of me slows down. That's strange, I thought, he's not following anything.... JUST THEN A HUGE TERADACTYLE BIRD SWOOPS IN FRONT OF THE CAR. The thing was massive and almost got hit. It was literally the size of a ten year old child with the wingspan. As Abbee would say, just like a bat out of hell. I think it was a turkey vulture or something for sure. I just sat in my car slightly stunned, kinda shrugged and thought about how weirder things have happened. Which is strange in itself because normally I'd scream. It must have been a very zen day. One time when I was driving home from work in the dark I saw a wolf by the side of the road. No one believed me though, they said it was a dog. That was no dog my friends. Coyote, maybe. But not dog. That time I did kinda scream. Screaming by yourself is a very strange thing because you realize that it's pointless and no one can hear you. So, you kinda stop halfway through and then you're just happy that no one heard your pathetic half scream.

This is for my lovely friend who asked me to write something for her morning tea ritual. My love, in a way we just had tea together as I just finished my last sip of sweet milky peppermint. lol Have a fantastic day and goodluck on that exam! You'll do fine so no sweat okay? I am dead tired though, I hope this was somewhat satisfying. I'm a tad delirious so i appologize for any incohesiveness. It's me afterall.

Much love

Circle a, b, c, a and b, b and c, all of the above, or none of the above

2008-04-15T22:53:00.000-07:00

I have a slight problem. I realized as I began my exam that I viewed it more as a game than a serious academic test. My inner monologue as I turned over the test started along the lines of..."Isn't it nice that this is kinda like a game of Trivial Pursuit?....Wait a minute, that's kinda fucked up. This is worth something important, you better focus dolt." Comparing a final to a trivia puzzle in a car ride companion is just NOT a good idea. It's sick. I better take the next one more seriously, it's even harder and there's three times as much material. And I officially hate choosing between b and c, a and b, all of the above and none of the above. That's a mind game and I don't see how it's not a trick when more than one can be right. They say pick the one that's "more right." "More right" is a stupid term. And now I'm blathering about exams and it's making me angry and so I digress. Angry is not the way I want to end today.

After the exam I wandered around the bookstore with my ipod going through tables of bargain books and discount text books. I was just killing time. But it was nice to finally have time to kill and do nothing but stare at book titles. I couldn't help but begin cursing the lack of time I had to actually sit down and read them. It was ironic. I could only speculate as to whether or not I "might" enjoy one if I had the time to read it. I've added a book about Josephine Bonaparte to my list of "I will read one day I swears"

I went to work. They forgot to buy me groceries for cooking class. Luckily, someone ran out and did. (Thank you, it was much appreciated). The only recipe in the book was for Kraft dinner. This would not hold the hour time spot. So I got out the celery, peanut butter, raisins, coconut and sunflower seeds so we could make bugs on a log. it was the only moment of genius I had all day. Delicious healthy food for my little lovelies. Then, genius me, I decided to treat them to hot chocolate and one little girl spilled on her tummy and cried cause it was hot. I felt like a complete idiot and totally responsible for her crocodile tears. I still feel awful. I deserve lashings for that one, poor baby. You deserve a present much better than anything I can think of right now. The other mothers probably think I'm a moron. I'll make it up to them next week somehow. After that fiasco the little boy who was supposed to be observed by mom, Mr. Disruptive, he came to class and decided not to stay. His mom said he was probably embarassed. That's it. I've humiliated a child into fearing my class. I encouraged him to come back next week but again I feel like dirt. He can't really help that he is surrounded by people who use terrible language, the kid is sponge. Adults should be punished for the way children behave, children only need to know better and learn WHY IT'S WRONG. UGH.

On top of it all I've got pains in my abdomen and I've cut back on vices. I'm developing a tick as we speak.
But my goodfriends Advil Liquigels and Peppermint Tea are here. We're going to listen to some angry-rocker-chick-almost-feminist-but-much-more-baddass music and chill.

I still feel awful.

Procrastination and Dead Theatre

2008-04-14T21:44:00.000-07:00

Productivity is at an all time low. Well that's not completely true. I have been "studying" all day and I managed to highlight two chapters of my living theatre text book. Most of what I learned I already knew or just reinforced which I guess is what I'm supposed to do but honestly, when I took this midterm I got like 95 or something and barely studied. Which is either a compliment to my very enthusiastic prof or just proof she needs to make the content deeper. Probably a combination of both. Upon reflection I highlighted things not even covered in the exam but things I took to personal heart like the fact that "Living Theatre" is a terrible name for a book about subject matter that is put into dead words and best learned by actually witnessing a work of performance art. A book is not living, it's just words about a moment in time we can't capture because it happened so long ago. Note to Wilson and Goldfard, your title is lying and should be revised to something like "This is what we think but we really don't know cause everyone in this book is worm food and didn't have a cam corder." I hate speculating about something I wish I could see in the moment. So as I tried to imagine what kind of rules and aestetic movements the first actors who followed Stanislavski put into practice I ended up highlighting points about Sweeney Todd orignially being a play that ended in Sweeney shooting Mrs Lovett before throwing her into flames. And I also made notes about Brecht and Wagner (Wagner was an anti semite who believed in German supremacy and Hitler adored him but we don't tell high school kids that part about "classic opera" do we?) This really has nothing to do with the exam. Burlesque didn't mean the same thing it does today for instance. It was about farce and sketch comedy. Go figure. A famous black actor named Ira Aldridge played at Convent Garden in the 1800s and was loved across Europe. The first paid female playwright was actually a spy for Britain, a bisexual in 17th centruy England, and wrote about a prostitute who pulled a gun on her two-timing lover. Alas the prostitute doesn't pull the trigger because the play would never have been commissioned with this ending but the playwrights point comes across nicely. Aphra Behn you were ahead of your time.

All the while today I managed to read 3 years worth of my favourite blog in archives and listen to my new music on repeat. OH and I caught another episode of Wife Swap on daytime satellite shite. Beautiful stuff, pop culture at its finest. Productive? In a way, sure. Am I scared about this exam? Not really, no. Should I be? If I was a normal student then, yes.
This past weekend I had an accomplishment of my own. I finished off a bottle of blackberry merlot within 2 hours and lived to tell the tale. Kudos to my liver. I'll make a rock star of you yet.
My body hates me. I've been feeding myself steak for 2 days straight because we have scarcely anything else to eat. The left overs are ridiculous. Normally I stick to a strict diet of veggie pizza, sushi, veggie taco salad and apples. Anymore red meat and I'm likely to moo. Good god I hope my mom brings home some spinach pizza soon. I'd grocery shop myself but I havn't the funds. I only work these days to pay off cell phone bills and internet orders. I;ve gotten good at making the grunge look work. What people don't know is that the jeans with holes and old band t shirts are the staple because they have to be. You're all being fooled.

Speaking of work tomorrow, I teach cooking class and a mother is sitting in on my older class. This little boy keeps using words like gay and retard out of context and I can't have it anymore. For two weeks I've pulled him aside, expained why he's being disruptive, sat him out and even gone through the social consequences of using such words. Nothing works. Normally I'd lead a dramatic exploration of social issues where we put ourselves in the shoes of the oppressed but its an hour class and I havn't the time. It's what I'm trained to do. But damn it's harder than it looks. Just how do you begin to explain to a nine year old that gay is not a synonym for stupid? It's tough. It's a can of worms. I can't just say we don't say that BECAUSE. Ignorance reinforces ignorance. So next best thing, mom comes in and observes. I hate to scare someone into submission but I'm at a loss.

Random: Morissey is alive? And making music? Wtf. It sounds the same as it did in the eighties. Sad, sad, silver fox I love you. Which reminds me that my directing prof (who is a dashing Russian/British silver fox), gave the entire class As and left the country.... HA Take that university of Windsor. Thats what you get for not informing the poor old guy of his responsibilities as a prof. We didn't have a final paper and our final performance was a work in progress where we read from script. Mind you it was the only script we had alllll semester. "Sveetheart," he said, "Don't meeeess your target, you could act, you just need to find your inner vitch" I think he meant bitch. Oh Daniel, if you only knew... Farewell my friend.

Summer plans: 1. Find a house for next year. My house is too small for me. The guilt of coming and going and making a mess for everyone is ridiculous. I'd hate me too if I were them. 2. Go to Stratford. Maybe enlighten myself with a show but mostly drink beer and bask in a small underground alternative scene 3. Go to Toronto, maybe pride, wear something outrageous, feel at home, and stay. 4. Do something with potential artistic energy. Not sure what. I'd settle for selling jewllery on my lawn.

Dead theatre calls. So does my bed. What to do... I think you know.
Much love.